If you don't sign some players, those fans will DIE. So make some frikkin transfers.\n\nStop being a dick and start signing some players.\n\n[[sign some players|sat1]]\n[[continue being a dick|dick]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nIf you want to be buying fish in the middle of a crisis, go and play Mass Effect 3!\n\n[[start making calls|sat1calls]]
\nYou call Real Madrid and use your language skills to charm Florentino Perez into selling you Karim Benzema.\n\nHe's a top player who will make a big difference and will pacify your fans.\n\nPerez asks for 60 million Euro.\nYou offer 15 million pounds.\nHe asks for 55 million Euro.\nYou offer 20 million pounds.\nThis goes on for a while. At some point you both lose track of the currencies and the fee ends up as 37 million pounds, plus they'll throw in Michael Owen and Thomas Gravesen.\n\nAll you have to do to seal the deal is call Benzema and convince him to come.\n\n\n[[call Benzema|benny]]\n\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 2>>\n\nWell, that's a relief. But the bad news is that some phone hacking journo has heard everything and the story is out all over the internet.\n\nThere's no coming back from this.\n\nYou've come to the end of the line. There are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside.\n\nThat's not very good, is it? Perhaps you want to start again and try to do better.\n\nFor now, though, Piers Morgan has won.\n\nIt's WENGER OUT.
<<set $fans = $fans - 2>>\n\nThere are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside. They look like an LS Lowry painting down there.\n\nYou close your window for the last time. They are very gentle with you as they take you away. They're taking you somewhere quiet, away from London. Away from Mourinho. Away from Daniel Levy.\n\nThe pills are nice. They taste like rainbows.\n\n\nTRY AGAIN
Great move!\n\nYou've doubled your squad size, bought a bunch of promising young players, added a great goalkeeper, another Walcott-type fast winger, and an unplayable monster upfront.\n\nWENGER KNOWS\n\nTHE WINDOW HAS CLOSED\n\n<<if $fans eq 10>>\nYou have done some good business. You've spent some money and the fans are excited to see what happens. All 10 fans return to their normal lives. Part of you regrets letting them live, but your beloved Arsenal is stronger than it was two days ago. WENGER IN is trending on Twitter. You look out your window and no-one is threatening to kill anyone. All is well.\n<<else>>\nThere are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside.\n\nThat's not very good, is it? Perhaps you want to start again and try to do better.\n<<endif>>
\nPART ONE\n<<set $fans = 10>>\n\nARSENE'S WINDOW\nThe Arsene Wenger Transfer Window Simulator\n\nYou're looking out of a window. It's a good window. You chose it yourself. It took three years to make the final decision, but it was worth the wait. Just like with transfers.\n"Mister Wenger, Mister Wenger!"\n"What is it Tommy?"\n"It's the fans!"\n"What about them?"\n"They're not happy!"\nYou smile at the earnest young man. "Tommy, they never are."\n"But this time it's worser!"\nFor the millionth time you wonder how it is that you speak better English than almost the whole of London.\n"Transfers, is it?"\n"Yes, Mister Wenger, sir! But this time they aren't just whingeing impotently on Twitter. They're outside!"\nSomething in his voice alarms you. You return to the window and see a small group of fans. They seem to be protesting.\n\nYou relax. You've seen all this before. In the end, after a tricky start, the season goes well and they fall into line.\n\nSuddenly, one of the fans pours a can of petrol over himself and takes out a match. Clearly he's bluffing, but still. It's //vidid//.\n\nShit! He just set himself on fire!\nNow he's dead! And his legs and arms are all twitching and stuff even though he's snuffed it!\n\nTommy is almost unable to speak. "There are ten fans left. They're going to immolate themselves unless you sign some players!"\n\n[[sign some players|sat1]]\n[[don't sign any players|dont]]\n
"Well," says Benzema, "You've answered all the questions. I guess I'm an Arsenal player now. See you on Monday for training."\n"But we have a big game tomorrow!"\n"See you on Monday."\n\nClick\n\nAnyway, you release the news and within seconds #WengerKnows is trending on Twitter.\n\nYou sleep like a baby. A baby who just bought a good player for its football team.\n\n[[dream about nipples, but in a good way|sun1]]
You met Cheikhou Kouyate at an airport and he was very polite and respectful. He'd fit in well with the Arsenal dressing room mentality.\n\nHe's probably a good player, right?\n\nAnyway, there is no suicide this time because no-one knows if Kouyate was a good signing or not. The guy has a pleasantly exotic name and a good reel of Youtube clips.\n\nIn the derby, a last minute Walcott equaliser snatches a dramatic draw.\n\nYOU HAVE PLACATED THE FANS, for now.\n\nThere's more work to do, but that can wait till Monday.\n\n[[read Andrew Girardin's blog while you wait for the new day|mon1]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nBenzema sighs, says he won't be joining, and hangs up.\n\nYou are stunned. You were sure you got them right!\n\nYou hear screams from outside. Who opened that stupid window?\n\nThat whole series of events was traumatic. You should get some sleep.\n\n[[get some sleep|sun1]]\n
Look, even the real Wenger signed Sonogo and Flamini. I know you're just here because you want to see what happens when you don't sign anyone.\n\nWhat happens is:\nAll the fans set themselves on fire.\n\nHappy now?\n\nReady to start playing the game properly?\n\n[[start playing the game properly|sat1]]
PART TWO\n\nYeah! Let's get to work!\n\nSuddenly you feel like it's 2002 again. Everyone loves you and wants to play for Arsenal. There's value to be had in the market.\n\nWhoop!\n\nLooking over your squad you see it urgently needs a world-class goalkeeper, a dominant centre-half, and a goalscoring threat.\n\nBut mostly you like buying creative midfielders, so let's start there.\n\n[[bid for Cabaye|cabaye]]\n[[bid for Kaka|kaka]]\n[[bid for Fellaini|fell]]\n[[bid for Mata|mata]]\n[[bid for Eriksen|Erik]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nThe right-back you sign turns into a good player. Three years from now. In the meantime, another fan tops himself.\n\nOh, and you lose the derby against Spurs.\n\n[[hope monday will go better|mon1]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nYou call Jose Mourinho to ask how much he wants for Mata.\n\nHe negotiates with you for two hours, and you finally agree on a price - 5 million pounds for a season-long loan with an option for you to buy him at 28 million at the end. It's a good deal, and you still have loads of money left.\n\nMourinho says he has another call on the other line. It's his niece. Can he call you right back? Of course he can!\n\nAnother two hours later, you realise that Mourinho doesn't //have// a niece. He was deliberately wasting your time. What a scamp!\n\n<html><img src=http://www.independent.co.uk/incoming/article8626108.ece/ALTERNATES/w460/Mourinho-moment.jpg></html>\n\nYou chuckle to yourself, until you smell charring flesh coming in your office window. Smells a bit like Four Four Tom.\n\nYou close the window and get back to work.\n\n[[work the phones again|sat2]]\n
Arsene's Window
Draxler has been described as a wunderkid by some linguistic philistines. He has been described as a wunderkind by some more educated types. Because's that's how you spell it.\n\n<html><img src=http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Julian+Draxler.+Testmatch+Schalke+04+Germany+against+Al+Sadd+Quatar_7641d9_4707342.gif></html>\n\nAnyway, he's great, and he's keen to join. The sale goes through smoothly. Why didn't you sign him, like, two months ago?\n\nDUH.\n\nTHE WINDOW HAS CLOSED\n\n<<if $fans eq 10>>\nYou have done some good business. You've spent some money and the fans are excited. All 10 fans return to their normal lives. Part of you regrets letting them live, but your beloved Arsenal is stronger than it was two days ago. WENGER IN is trending on Twitter. You look out your window and no-one is threatening to kill anyone. All is well.\n<<else>>\nThere are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside.\n\nThat's not very good, is it? Perhaps you want to start again and try to do better.\n<<endif>>
You call Real Madrid and sign Kaka on a season-long loan with an option to buy at the end.\n\nKaka's career seems to be more or less over already, and many fans believe you have signed another Arshavin.\n\nOther fans remember the brilliant Kaka of 4 years ago, and are hopeful he can recapture that form.\n\nThe fans outside your office spend ages discussing the transfer, and can't decide if they should kill themselves or not. So that's pretty much a win.\n\n[[continue|sat2]]\n
PART FOUR\n\nIt's Sunday.\n\nThere are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside.\n\nYou have a big game against Spurs later.\n\nBut first it's defender time.\n\nLet's go shopping!\n\n[[ignore your defensive needs, go back to your previous bids and raise them very slightly|upbid]]\n[[buy Ashley Williams|ash]]\n[[buy a right-back no-one has heard of|rb]]\n[[buy Cheikhou Kouyate|chek]]\n[[buy George Weah's cousin's nephew|weah]]\n
Thinking about transfers stresses you out. After ten minutes of trying to remember your Scouting Database password you give up and go to a water park.\n\n<html><img src=http://i56.tinypic.com/1548xv4.jpg></html>\n\nTremendous fun!\n\n[[go back to the office feeling refreshed|satmid]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nYeah, that doesn't work.\n\nPerhaps Monday will be better.\n\n[[lose to Spurs and panic buy on Monday|mon1]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 2>>\n\nSolomon Kalou is available on a free transfer. You //like// free transfers! Sure, he played for your bitter rivals Chelsea and was never really that good anyway. But he fits the bill of an Arsenal signing in many ways.\n\nAnd he IS a signing! The fans can't complain about that, can they?\n\nBut within seconds of the announcement, a website is set up called 'Has Kalou Scored' dot com. It simply says 'no', and the implication is that he never will.\n\n\n[[get some sleep|sun1]]\n\n
You pick up the phone.\n\nFellaini is a top quality player. He can sit in front of the defence or play further forward. He scores goals from midfield. He has great energy and can get around the park. He's a lethal weapon at set pieces and he has a nasty side that, while it can get him in trouble, will have rival teams thinking twice about roughing up a teammate.\n\nHe's perfect for this Arsenal side.\n\nExcept maybe he can't pass very well.\n\nYou put the phone down. You hear an inhuman scream from outside. Stubbornly, you fold your arms. No-one tells Arsene Wenger who to buy!\n\nBut then you think, fuck it. Worst case scenario, I can teach him to pass and sell him to Man United at a profit next year.\n\nYou call Everton, agree to pay 23 million for Fellaini, and release the news. The fans go mental. In a good way.\n\nBut they want more.\n\n[[continue shopping|sat2]]\n\n
\nYou're... joking, right? You're joking and want to go back and be more serious?\n\n[[sorry, yes, of course I was joking|jk1]]\n[[no. I think he would be interested|jk2]]\n
Star quality. Tick.\nTop players. Tick.\nHappy fans. Tick.\n\nIt's an okay deal. You feel you could have done better if you'd started earlier and you've blown all your money on your midfield.\n\nAnd midfield isn't really your weakest link, is it?\n\nTHE WINDOW HAS CLOSED\n\n<<if $fans eq 10>>\nAll in all, you have done some good business. You've spent some money and the fans are excited to see what happens. All 10 fans return to their normal lives. Part of you regrets letting them live, but your beloved Arsenal is stronger than it was two days ago. WENGER IN is trending on Twitter. You look out your window and no-one is threatening to kill anyone. All is well.\n<<else>>\nThere are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside.\n\nThat's not very good, is it? Perhaps you want to start again and try to do better.\n<<endif>>
\nYou're... joking, right? You're joking and want to go back and be more serious?\n\n[[sorry, yes, of course I was joking|jk1]]\n[[no. I think he would be interested|jk2]]\n
Yes! Good plan! He's a good defender with a lot of upside. He'll fit in and improve the side.\n\nGood thinking, Wenger.\n\nThe news boosts the morale of the team and you beat Spurs.\n\n[[enjoy the adulation and go to Monday|mon1]]\n
PART FIVE\n\nThere are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside.\n\nDammit! You forgot to buy a goalkeeper. Maybe no-one will notice.\n\nIt has finally dawned on you that all your rivals have added so much quality to their squads that your entire legacy is in danger. It's time to go big or go home.\n\n[[bid 70 million for Di Maria and Ozil|RM]]\n[[bid 70 million for Cristiano Ronaldo|CR]]\n[[bid 90 million for Gareth Bale|GB]]\n[[bid 40 million for Julian Draxler|drex]]\n[[bid 70 million for the entire Aston Villa team|vill]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 2>>\n\nYou call Joe Kinnear at Newcastle.\n\nHe offers you 'Kebby' for 10 million pounds.\n\nYou agree. Cabaye is international-class and is easily worth 10 million.\n\nYou start faxing paperwork across. Kinnear calls you back sounding confused. "What's all this paper?" he asks.\n"It's the transfer paperwork for Yohan Cabaye. If you sign it, we can wire the money over first thing in the morning." Your mind is already turning to the problem of signing a goalkeeper.\n"What's this Ca-ba-yer thing?"\n"Umm... oh, Cabaye. That's the player I'm buying."\n"Who is this?"\n"Excuse me?"\n"Who is this?"\n"Arsene Wenger."\n"Arsing Wanker? Is this a wind-up? Is this one of those radio pranks? Why, if I ever get my hands on you I'll..."\n\nYou hang up the phone.\nPerhaps you won't try to buy anyone from Newcastle for a while.\n\nFrom outside comes a blood-curdling scream. "Rory McGrath has topped himself!"\n\n[[get back to work|sat2]]\n
It's Saturday morning.\n\nThe transfer window closes Monday evening.\n\nArsenal's (relative) success on and off the pitch means you have about 80 million pounds to spend on new players. You have a very talented first 11, but the squad lacks depth and you've had some injuries.\n\nTomorrow is the big North London derby against Spurs, and while they've invested the Gareth Bale money in 4 world-class players, you've only got 12 fit players in the entire first team squad.\n\nThe time for action is NOW.\n\n[[start making calls|sat1calls]]\n[[go to a water park|park]]\n[[pimp your office with an aquarium and some exotic fish|fish]]\n[[go for a drive with some friends|drive]]\n\n\n
PART THREE\n\nThere are <<print $fans>> fans alive outside. Spurs have signed 2 more top players.\n\nYou turn your attention to goalkeepers.\n\nThen you get bored. You hate goalkeepers. Most of them have a shit first touch and can't run fast or do passing.\n\n"Boss! Boss!" shouts Tommmy. "Vermaelen is out for six weeks!"\nYou stare at the youth, quite taken aback. "I know, Tommy. I told you, remember. I announced it to the media."\n"Yes, but it seeemed like the right time to come in shouting it," says Tommy, and looking rather sheepish.\nYou ruffle his hair fondly. "We don't need your exposition here, Tommy! Now run away with you."\n\nTommy is right. You have a huge defensive crisis.\n\nWhich striker do you want to buy?\n\n[[Rooney|roon]]\n[[Benzema|benz]]\n[[Defoe|def]]\n[[Kalou|kal]]\n[[Ibrahimovic|ibr]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nShit! You forgot about the angry fans! Piers Morgan's brother has just set himself on fire. There are only <<print $fans>> left.\n\nStill, there's lots of time to make a lot of deals before transfer deadline day.\n\n[[start making calls|sat1calls]]\n
You call Sir Alex Ferguson, realise your mistake, and call David Moyes instead.\n\nYou ask about Wayne Rooney.\n"Ah," says Moyes. "I wish you'd call a couple of weeks ago. We'd happily have sold him to you then. If only to piss Mourinho off. But we're happy with him now, and he's happy to stay. So no can do, I'm afraid."\n"Oh. I was hoping to do some business today," you say.\n"Well, maybe we still can," says the manager of the current champions.\n\nYou accidentally sell Santi Cazorla to Manchester United.\n\nOn hearing the news, all the remaining fans spontaneously combust even before they cover themselves in petrol.\n\nYOU HAVE KILLED ALL YOUR FANS\n\nGAME OVER\n\nPerhaps if you had done things differently, it might have turned out better? (Try the rewind button.)
You call Benzema.\n\nFor some reason, he will only join Arsenal if you answer a multiple choice test.\n\nHe reads out the questions.\n\n"1) What's the biggest European capital that hasn't had a team in the Champions league group stages?\n\na) Karagounis\nb) Tblisi\nc) Minsk\n\n2) Which country has won the second most world cups?\n\na) Italy\nb) Germany\nc) Brazil\n\n3) Which player has scored the most World Cup goals?\n\na) Ronaldo (Brazil)\nb) Gerd Muller (Germany)\nc) Just Fontaine (France)\n\nWell, Mister Wenger?"\n\nA bead of sweat breaks out on your forehead. Gah! You should know this!\n\n[[Select a,a,a|no]]\n[[Select a,b,a|no]]\n[[Select a,a,b|no]]\n[[Select a,a,c|no]]\n[[Select a,c,a|no]]\n[[Select a,b,c|no]]\n[[Select b,a,a|no]]\n[[Select b,a,a|no]]\n[[Select b,b,a|no]]\n[[Select b,a,b|no]]\n[[Select a,a,a|no]]\n[[Select b,b,b|no]]\n[[Select c,c,c|no]]\n[[Select c,a,t|no]]\n[[Select c,a,a|yes]]\n[[Select c,a,b|no]]\n[[Select c,b,a|no]]\n[[Select c,b,c|no]]\n[[Select c,c,b|no]]\n\n\n
No! You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book!\n\nThe "George Weah's family are good at football because George Weah was good at football" scam dates back to Edwardian times.\n\nGeorge Weah's cousin's nephew comes for a trial. He runs around like bambi on ice. On the rare occassions he makes contact with the ball it bounces off him like he's using the Diamond Deflection System from Match Day 2.\n\nIt's too much for the remaining <<print $fans>> fans. They burn themselves to death. But they're not even very angry. Just disappointed.\n\nGAME OVER\n\n(Try the rewind button.)
\nYou have a lot of fun!\n\n<html><img src=http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/jafsfsafafaas.gif></html>\n\n[[go back to the office feeling refreshed|satmid]]\n
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nYou phone Ajax to ask about buying Christian Eriksen, and who should answer the phone than your old protege Marc Overmars!\n\n"Marc!" you exclaim, delighted.\nThe two of you chat for two hours about the good old days.\n"Oh, and by the way," you say, even though it feels rather gauche, "We want to buy Christian Eriksen. Will 10 million Euros be enough?"\n"No."\n"10 million and one?"\n"No, I mean, yes, I mean, oh gosh. It's not the price. It's just that we sold him to Tottenham about an hour ago."\n"C'est la vie," you say, shrugging Frenchly.\n\nWooosh!\nYou hear the sound of a flameball from outside.\nOh, yes. The fans.\n\n[[get back to work|sat2]]\n
by Andrew Girardin
<<set $fans = $fans - 1>>\n\nZlatan Ibrahimovic is a genius. An astonishing football god with more ability than three whole continents put together.\n\n<html><img src=http://worldsoccertalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/ibrahimovic-bicycle-kick.gif></html>\n\nHe'll cost a fortune, but he's worth it. Even with all the other problems in the squad, signing Ibrahimovic would turn you into title contenders.\n\nIt's a ballsy move.\n\nYou dial him direct.\n"Hai, moshi moshi!" he bellows.\n"Hi, it's Arsene Wenger. I want to sign you. I want you to come to Arsenal and be the focus of our team."\n"Arsenal." It seems like a question, but Ibrahimovic is not the type of person who deals in question marks.\n"Yes."\n"Zlatan to Arsenal."\n"Yes."\n"I like it!" he roars. "That would piss many people off. That's good. But tell me. Zlatan would play with Wall-Coat."\n"Yes! Many assists from Theo."\n"You can imagine Zlatan passing to Wall-Coat. You can imagine Zlatan passing to Wall-Coat, and Wall-Coat running very fast. Very fast, and very direct. Very fast, direct, to the corner flag, and out of play. Still fast, still running, Wall-Coat runs to Liverpool. Still runs. Runs to Iceland. Wall-Coat freezes to death. We get new ball. Zlatan passes to Ram-See. Zlatan passes to the one with the forehead."\n"Gervinho? We sold him."\n"You want Zlatan... to replace... Gerbinho."\nYou begin to sense this isn't going to work.\n\n[[get some sleep|sun1]]\n
\nBuying Defoe is controversial, but it's such a divisive move that nobody kills themself over it. Some fans whinge, some fans don't think he isn't 'Arsenal quality', whatever that means, and others point to his great goalscoring record and the fact that he comes cheap.\n\nActually his goalscoring record isn't __that__ good, but this is not the worst thing you've ever done. You sleep soundly. Apart from the nightmares.\n\n[[get some sleep|sun1]]\n\n