There's a red door and a blue door. [[blue door]] [[red door]]There's a purple person. Cool. [[Go back|Intro]]there's a purple cake [[take the cake]] You now have some purple cake. Score. [[Go back to the previous room]]There's a red door and a blue door [[blue door|blue door no cake]] [[red door|red door no cake]]There's a purple person. Cool. [[Go back|Go back to the previous room]] [[Give him the purple cake]]There's no more cake here =( [[Go back|Go back to the previous room]] The purple man smiles at you. He takes the cake from you and kisses it tenderly. "Thank you for returning my husband to me. Take this trinket as a token of my gratitude." He reaches into his mouth, pulls out one of his molars, and presents it to you. [["Uhh, thanks."]] [["You're going to have a tough time chewing without that."]] [[Kiss the tooth twice and return it to the man.]]"Uhh, thanks." Maybe this is a customary gift from wherever the purple man is from, and you don't want to insult his culture. You've seen how that worked for Donald Trump. "No. Thank you, kind stranger. You've earned that." "What will you do now with your... Husband?" "We will return to our home. I have not returned in many years, I cannot wait to see my family once again. [[Inquire about the purple man's home]] [[Politely bid him farewell]]"You're going to have a tough time chewing without that," you tell the purple man. "Oh don't you worry about that, where I'm going I won't need to chew anything." He winks at you, then kisses his husband again. "Take care, traveller." The man disappears in a smokey puff of sexual anticipation. A purple door has appeared where he once stood. Also you have his tooth. [[Eat the tooth]] [[Go through the purple door]]Remembering that cultural appreciation class you took in college, you kiss the tooth twice and return it to the purple man. "What manner of man are you that knows the customs of the purplefolk so well?" he asks. [["I'm just a bomb ass motherfucker."]] [["I was a humanities major."]]You toss the tooth into your mouth like popcorn. Unfortunately, it isn't popcorn, it's a tooth. You chew on it for a while, reminiscing on all the other teeth you've eaten in your wild college years. This one doesn't taste quite the same. A familiar taste, but not one that you can pinpoint. Then, suddenly, it comes to you. Cyanide. That purple bastard didn't give you a tooth, he gave you a cyanide capsule. And you fell for it hook like and sinker. What a goof you are. The cyanide kills you, and you die from it. [[Try again?|Intro]]You slowly push the purple door open, revealing a long purple hallway. [[Walk down the hallway]]"Where do you come from, oh purple man?" "None of your fucking business." Oh. Okay. [[Politely bid him farewell]] "I hope you enjoy your travels home, and it was a pleasure to meet you," you tell the man with a bow and a tip of your fedora. "You truly are a noble traveller." He turns to leave, but quickly snaps back. "Ah, yes, before I forget. Don't eat that tooth I gave you. In another reality you eat it in your hubris. But seriously, don't. It's cyanide." [["Why the hell did you give me cyanide as a token of your gratitude?"]] [["Uhh, thanks... Again."]]"Why the hell did you give me cyanid as a token of your gratitude?" You ask the man, a hint of agitation in your voice. "Fuck off you little shit, how dare you insult my culture? God, you're just like Donald Trump. And Lord knows we don't need another one of him." The purple man pins you against the wall. "W- wait, I didn't mean to--" "Silence, fool. You will pay for your bigotry." He reaches into his mouth and yanks out a few more teeth and casually drops them into your mouth. "Sleep tight." [[Swallow]] [[Don't swallow]]"Uhh, thanks... Again." You're curious as to why this purple man just gave you what is essentially a cyanide capsule, but you're even more curious as to why his species has evolved to have cyanide-filled molars. But alas, he's a purple man and he referred to a cake as his husband, so maybe this would be a weird time to start asking questions. The purple man bids you adieu, then vanishes in a puff of smoke. You see a purple door. [[Go through the purple door]] You swallow the cyanide teeth because you ain't a bitch, and spitters are quitters. And you die, but because you ain't a bitch I'm gonna give you some advice. When I tell you you don't have a choice, you actually do. Period. [[Try again?|Intro]]"Come on, don't be a bitch," the purple man tells you. It's true, you'd rather die than live as a spitter and/or quitter. [[Swallow|Swallow2]]"I'm just a bomb ass motherfucker." The man looks at you, then puts on a pair of sunglasses. "That you are. From one bomb ass motherfucker to another, here's some advice. When you see a purple monster, as I'm sure you will, don't give him that tooth. Purple monsters are mad teeth fiends." "Word." You make the Bloods insignia with your fingers. It isn't perfect, but it's pretty good for a white guy." "Take it easy fam." The purple man vanishes. You see a purple door. [[Go through the purple door]] "I was a humanities major," you proudly tell the purple man. "Ah. I see. Then you're expendable." He lunges at you and eats your brains out like a fucking animal. You dead, son. [[Try again?|Intro]]You start walking down the hallway. It's very purple and very long. [[Keep walking]]You continue down the hallway, admiring its purple color and its long length. [[Walk a little bit more]]Your legs are getting tired, but you don't really have any other choice but to keep walking. If you did, it would show up beneath the text. Unfortunately, the only thing I'm letting you do is [[keep walking|keep walking2]][[.]]This hallway sucks. This adventure sucks. You just want to go home. [[Sucks to be you, you gotta keep walking.]]You walk a little bit more and you see a purple monster. He's really big and scary and monstrous, just what you'd expect from a purple monster in a purple hallway. He hasn't noticed you. [[Try to sneak around the monster and continue down the hallway]] [[Attempt a sneak attack on the monster]] [[Get the monster's attention]]You don't like confrontation, so you try to sneak around the monster. [[Roll d20]] You try to use the element of surprise and attack the monster. [[Roll d20]]How would you like to get his attention? [[Throw the purple man's tooth at him]] [[Say "Excuse me" because that's what normal people do when they're trying to get someone's attention]] [[Sarcastically ask him how's the weather up there]] [[Consult the game's internet walkthrough to find out what you should do]]You roll the die, and you get a 7. That's pretty shitty, but maybe your dexterity bonus will help you out. [[Check your character sheet]]You check your character sheet. Shit. You're a barbarian and your DEX bonus is garbage. You actually end up losing 2 points on your roll cause you're such a clumsy brute. [[Accept your roll of 5]] [[Roll again]]In your feeble attempt to sneak up on the monster, you trip over your untied shoelace and plummet face first to the ground. The monster, hearing this, turns around and gobbles you up like a fat kid gobbling a Thanksgiving turkey. [[Get eaten]]jk lol you can't reroll in this game. [[Accept your roll of 5]] Really? You want to get eaten? [[Yes, that is my choice.]]You throw the purple man's tooth at the purple monster, thinking maybe that'll help. The tooth makes a dull thud against the monster's thick hide. He turns around and sees you. "I say, why ever would you throw something at me?" he asks in a cockney accent. You're too stunned to answer. He sees the purple man's tooth on the ground. The monster's eyes widen. "A purple man tooth. How dare you." You think that the monster has an agonized tone in his voice, but frankly you can't quite focus because of the absurdity of the situation in which you find yourself. "I'm s-sorry," you stutter, "I didn't mean to offend you." But the monster ignores you. Instead, he has begun crushing up the tooth with his big meaty claws and snorting it like that guy Chet you used to know from Phi Delta Pi. [[Man, fuck Chet]] [[Tell the monster to stop because drugs are bad for you]]"Excuse me," you begin, "I'm on an adventure of sorts and I'd very much like to pass through here. The monster turns to face you without a word. His pupils roll back in their sockets, showing nothing but a bloodshot white cornea. His mouth opens up, revealing a little man inside. Turns out the monster was a robot all along! Kinda like that Eddie Murphy movie, but I haven't seen it so I don't remember the title. Dave? Anyway. There's a little alien man in the robot-monster's mouth. [[What's up little man]]"Hey there, fella, how's the weather up there?" You think you're so goddamn funny, don't you? The monster turns to face you without a word. His pupils roll back in their sockets, showing nothing but a bloodshot white cornea. His mouth opens up, revealing a little man inside. Turns out the monster was a robot all along! Kinda like that Eddie Murphy movie, but I haven't seen it so I don't remember the title. Dave? Anyway. There's a little alien man in the robot-monster's mouth. [[What's up little man]]There is no internet walkthrough for this game, you idiot. [[Go back]]How would you like to get his attention? [[Throw the purple man's tooth at him]] [[Say "Excuse me" because that's what normal people do when they're trying to get someone's attention]] [[Sarcastically ask him how's the weather up there]] [[Consult the game's internet walkthrough to find out what you should do|lol]]I'm serious, there's no walkthrough for the game. Just pick another option. [[Go back. Again.]]How would you like to get his attention? [[Throw the purple man's tooth at him]] [[Say "Excuse me" because that's what normal people do when they're trying to get someone's attention]] [[Sarcastically ask him how's the weather up there]] [[Consult the game's internet walkthrough to find out what you should do|lol2]]Either you're here because your an asshole, or you noticed that you actually haven't clicked on this link before. Either way, you're my kind of player, so congrats. You found secret ending number one! You win! [[Play again?|Intro]]You swallow the cyanide teeth. And you die, because that's what cyanide does to people like you. And by people like you, I mean humans. But, yeah, you're pretty dead right now.If you found this by accident, good job, I guess. If you found this cause you ain't a bitch, then congrats! You found secret ending number 3! You win! [[Play again?|Intro]]Okay, it just seems weird to me that you would want to take that action. This is interactive fiction, you know, so you get to choose what happens to you in the story. [[No, that's fine, I really think it would be in my best interest to get eaten. I recognize that I have the power to choose not to get eaten, but I have weighed the merits of the two options and I have decided that getting eaten is what I want to do.]]You make the conscious decision to get eaten. That was a bad choice, becuase now you're dead. Maybe next time when you've given the option to get eaten, you'll pass. Still, I admire your persistance. [[Try again?|Intro]]You reminisce on how much of a dick Chet was. [[Remember that one time he totally didn't let you and your boys into the frat?]]You politely recite to the monster the "Drugs are Bad" song you learned from your kindergarten D.A.R.E. class. Unfortunately, the monster is just as sick of that shit as everyone else, and he squishy squashes you until you're nothing but dust, then he snorts the shit outta you and goes on to bang some crack whore, a decision he regrets the next morning. But alas, he'll do the same thing the next evening, because that's how addiction works. Don't do drugs. But do try again. [[Try again?|Intro]]Yes, you do remember that. Because that was the night that you were finally gonna make a move with Stacy, that groovy chick from Econ 101. But Chet was still ticked at you for spilling some Coors on him the night before. But it wasn't even your fault cause some douche from the lacrosse team totally bumped into you, like seriously watch where you're going. [[I wonder what Stacy's up to these days]]She's probably the loving wife of some business man, a guy she met in grad school. She'd always wanted to be a vet, but pressure from her parents eventually got her to apply to business school in Utah so she could be near her family. She's not a Mormon, but she's tolerant. Her two kids come running off the school bus every day, excited to share their adventures in the public education system. Oh how she wishes she were still that age, young enough to be surprised by all of life's marvels and wonder. But that time had long gone, and she was now stuck in the daily routine of a typical housewife. [[Continue as erotica]] [[Continue as tragedy]] [[Continue as comedy]]You sick fuck, the only characters in Stacy's life right now are her kids. You seriously want to be part of some kind of rapey incest story? Hell no I'm not writing that. You lose. Pervert. [[Try again?|Intro]]Double-click this passage to edit it.Billy, Stacy's eldest son, asks his mother a curious question. "Mother, how do you fit a giraffe into a box?" Puzzled yet curious, Stacy takes the bait. "I don't know, Billy, how do you fit a giraffe into a box?" Billy stifles a snicker. "You take the 'B' out of 'box' and you take the 'F' out of 'way'." "Billy you little shit [[there's no 'F' in 'way'."]]Ayy lmao Let's get back to the story at hand, shall we? [[Continue]]Uhh, where was I again? [[I was about to tell the monster that drugs are bad, something like that]]Oh yeah. Look at you, you little boy scout, you. [[Tell the monster to stop because drugs are bad for you]]"What's up little man?" "To finish this game, you must answer my questions three." [[Ooh, a riddle. Cool.]]"First question. What is Stacy's son's name?" [[Billy]] [[Tommy]] [[Jimmy]] [[Jommy]]"Uhh... Billy?" you say half-heartedly. "Correct!" the man replies. "Whether by luck or by skill, you have answered question one! Now on to question two!" [[mmmkay]]"Tommy, as in Tommy Pickles," you state proudly. "Wrong. You lose." You lose. Lose. Los. Los Angeles. LA Dodgers. You lose. [[Try again?|Intro]]"Jimmy, as in Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genious," you answer "Incorrect, you idiot, and you misspelled 'genius'," the alien man snarks. "I didn't misspell anything, you can't misspell spoken dialogue." "This is a text game, and you misspelled the word. You lose." Looooooser. [[Try again?|Intro]]"Jommy," you say. "What the hell, that isn't even a name." The alien grumbles and presses his fingers to his temples. "That one was a freebie, and you still picked it? You must've done great in grade school. You lose." [[Try again?|Intro]]"Question two. What is your DEX modifier?" [[5]] [[-2]] [[0]] [[None of the above]] [[What's a DEX modifier?]]"My DEX modifier is 5 because I'm a super agile assassin character!" "Ha, 'assassin'? More like my 'ass' is 'in' your 'ass'." You don't think that his joke was funny. Honestly, you don't really even consider it a joke, all he did was say the word "ass." Ah, who am I kidding. That is pretty funny. Ass. Hehe. Yeah, but you still lose. Maybe next time you'll try picking the correct answer. [[Try again?|Intro]]"Correct again! Last question, get this right and you win the game!" "Alright alien monster man, lay it on me." "Here it is. Question three. How many secret endings are there in this game?" [[1]] [[2]] [[3]] [[4]]"I have no DEX modifier because my base dexterity is 8." "While that is a fairly well informed answer, it is alas not the correct one. I'd suggest you go explore the world a bit more to help you get the right one. Here, I'll help you out and send you back to the beginning of the game." [[Try again?|Intro]]"None of the above, I don't have a DEX modifier." "Of course you do you sod, every character has a DEX modifier. For guessing incorrectly, I shall send thee back to the room with the blue and red doors! But you're very close to winning, I tell thee!" [[Try again?|Intro]]You scratch your head. You aren't playing D&D right now, are you? "What's a DEX modifier?" The alien man doesn't even acknowledge that you've asked a question because it was so stupid. "How about you go try and sneak, then come back here." GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Intro]]lol you only found one secret ending? Try again my man. [[Try again?|Intro]]"Is that your final answer?" [[Yes]] [[Hang on, lemme think about it|-2]]Wrong. But I'll give you a hint. It's like that classic senior prank. [[Try again?|Intro]]"There are four secret endings in this game," you tell the man. "I'm very aware of what's going on here. I'm pretty meta, if you know what I mean." "You probaly don't even know what that means. And it doesn't matter because you're wrong. GG NO RE." [[Try again?|Intro]]The little alien monster man takes off his glasses knowingly. "I'm so sorry..." Your brow furrows and a frown plants itself upon your face. "I'm so sorry... to tell you that you've won the game!" Confetti falls from the sky and a chorus of vuvuzelas sing their joyous song. Crowds of beautiful men and women surround you and offer to you their bodies for whatever sexual fantasies you would like to fulfill. Unless you disagree with the gender binary, in which case there are also a bunch of different people across the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Traps, shemales, even that two-dicked dude from Reddit. You now have everything your heart desires. Be free, young flower. Aloho nō kaua. Play again soon! In fact, why not play again now? You know, in case you guessed randomly and happened to be right, maybe you wanna know where those answers actually came from? [[Play again?|Intro]]Double-click this passage to edit it.