Some years ago, something incredible graced the halls of The Linworth Alternative Program.
It all started on a Monday morning, before sunrise, when Ron pulled into the parking lot. His was the first car in the lot that morning, as it is every morning. The doors to the building were still locked. He fumbled for his keys, then found the correct one to get into the building. Upon entering the building Ron quickly entered the security code to disable the annoying <i>"beeeeeeeep, beeeeeeeep, beeeeeeeep"</i> of the keypad.
Once the alarm had been silenced, Ron proceeded to...
[[Make the first pot of coffee.|Page 2a]]
[[Put the finishing touches on the Chemistry lab he had prepared for the day.|Page 2b]]
[[Sit back in the Cave listening to the newest "Morning Edition" on NPR.|Page 2c]]Ron headed to the staff room in the office to make the morning's first pot of coffee. 7 scoops, a carafe full of water, and the task is done.
Just then, Ron began to wonder about the whereabouts of Lilly's classroom hamster.
[["Where could that hamster have gone?"|Page 3]]As Ron began to think more about Linworth's most recently lost hamster, he decided to investigate further. Ron walked out of the Cave and headed to
[[The John Miller.|Page 4a]]
[[The Powder Room.|Page 4b]]
[[The Basement.|Page 4c]]It was still early, barely 7 o'clock. On his way to the John Miller, Ron was startled by a pounding on the door by the office, so he [[went to see what all the noise was about.|Page 6]]The paw prints were beginning to fade. They went all the way to the bottom of the steps and then under the heavy, weighted door into the boiler room.
Ron pushed on the door with both hands, finally getting it to break open from the seal it had made with the door frame. He slid a cinderblock in front of the door to hold it open and flipped on the light. He discovered that the basement had water all over the floor, with a trail leading into the 3 small rooms that comprise the basement of Linworth. Ron decided to head
[[Straight ahead to check out the biggest room.|Page 7a]]
[[To the room to the left, where all of the old paint is stored.|Page 7b]]
[[To the room to the right, where the spare pieces of the stage are stored.|Page 7c]]Jacob Rittenberg was standing at the door, waving frantically and smiling at Ron as he approached. Ron, shaking his head, opened the door to let Jacob into the building.
"Good morning, Jacob," Ron said, rubbing his temples, still shaking his head.
"Good morning, Ron!" said Jacob. "I couldn't sleep, I was so excited to come spend the day at Linworth with you and the rest of the staff. I can't wait to..."
Ron, no longer listening, noticed tiny, wet paw prints leading underneath the door to the basement. "That's nice Jacob, excuse me..."
[[He opened the basement door to check out where the paw prints lead.|Page 5]]It's an existential question that cannot be answered.
Regardless, Ron inspected the purple light and discovered that it was the hamster, covered in two moles of phenol and one mole of peroxyacid ester. (That's glowstick goo to you and me.)
Ron picked up the hamster. "How did you get into this mess?" he said. "Lilly is so careless, no wonder you're Linworth's 9th class hamster."
Just then the hamster bit Ron. "What in Avogadro's name!" he exclaimed. "You little Mendeleev!"
Ron dropped the hamster, then clutched his hand, covering the wound. <i>"Sin bin,"</i> he murmured. Just then, the lights turned back on, and the hamster was nowhere to be seen. Ron's hand, on the other hand, was bleeding. But it's not just blood-- the blood had a slight purple tinge.
Ron then
[[Headed to the office to apply a bandage and go about his day.|Page 9a]]
[[Headed to the office to call the doctor; he's starting to get a headache.|Page 9b]]
[[Attempted to exit the boiler room, but collapsed in the doorway.|Page 9c]]Ron headed to the Cave to finish putting together the chemistry lab for his students later that day. He carefully measured out just the right amounts of each chemical, following exact safety protocols. Once the final solution was correctly mixed, he began to wonder about the whereabouts of Lilly's classroom hamster.
[["Where could that hamster have gone?"|Page 3]]Ron sat in the comfy chair at his desk, listening to the soothing voice of Steve Inskeep reading through the day's headlines.
Later, just as Jim Letizia began to give the local weather from "Columbus's NPR station, WCBE 90.5," Ron began to wonder as to the whereabouts of Lilly's classroom hamster.
[["Where could that hamster have gone?"|Page 3]]It was still early, barely 7 o'clock. On his way to the Power Room, Ron was startled by a pounding on the door by the office, so he [[went to see what all the noise was about.|Page 6]]Ron began to mutter to himself. "There's no evidence of a hamster among all of this Camp Christian and Chili Supper stuff. I wonder if there's anything where all of the old paint is stored."
[[Ron turns around and walks into the next room.|Page 7b]]Ron entered the room and turned the light on. All of the lights flickered, then went out. "Great," Ron sighed.
He felt in his chest pocket. "Red pen. Blue pen. Black pen. Pencil. Pen light! Got it!" He turned around to find the circuit breaker panel, when his pen light suddenly stopped working. "I put a fresh AAA battery in this thing yesterday!" he said.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw a shaky, glowing purple light in the corner of the room. The purple, glowing light started to move toward Ron. Or...was Ron moving toward the purple, glowing light?
[[The light was moving toward Ron.|Page 8]]
[[Ron was moving toward the light.|Page 8]]Ron begins to mutter to himself. "There's no evidence of a hamster among all of these set-pieces and stage parts. I wonder if there's anything where all of the old paint is stored?"
[[Ron turns around and walks into the next room.|Page 7b]]As Ron reached the top of the stairs, he turned off the lights and closed the door to the basement. He looked at his watch.
"7:45?!" he exclaimed. "I'm late!" He rushed into the office and grabbed some gauze.
Michelle saw Ron tearing frantically through the first aid cabinet and said, "Ron, are you okay?"
Ron responded, "I just need some gauze. Darn hamsters!"
Ron successfully wrapped his hands and rushed off to start his Chemistry class. All of his students were probably in the Cave waiting silently with pencil, paper, erasers, and a good attitude--ideal for the top-tier lecture he had prepared for them!
[[Off to the Cave he goes!|Page 10a]]As Ron reached the top of the stairs, he turned off the lights and closed the door to the basement. He looks at his watch.
"7:45?!" he exclaimed. "I'm late! I'll have to call the doctor later."
Ron rushed off to start his Chemistry class. All of his students were probably in the Cave waiting silently with pencil, paper, erasers, and a good attitude--ideal for the top-tier lecture he had prepared for them!
[[Off to the Cave he goes!|Page 10a]]Ron's eyes rolled back into his head. He curled into the fetal position and began to moan, <i>"Mesocricetus Auratus."</i> The moaning grew louder and louder. <i>"Mesocricetus Auratus."</i>
By then, the school had begun to fill with the full compliment of students and staff.
Chris hearing this moaning, hurried to Ron's side, trying to determine what had happened.
<i>"Mesocricetus Auratus,"</i> Ron moaned again. He began to rub his hands together very quickly, like someone who had just come inside from frigid temperatures.
"What the hell?" Chris said under his breath, looking around for an answer from the students that had started gathering.
<i>"Mesocricetus Auratus,"</i> the moaning continues.
[[Charles Osborne appears.|Page 11]]As Ron scurries through the big room, he trips and [[falls to the ground.|Page 9c]]"<i>Mesocricetus Auratus</i> is the Latin name for the Syrian hamster, also known as the golden hamster," Charles stated. "It was first described scientifically by George Robert Waterhouse in 1839." He looked up from his phone after his brief oration.
The group sighs. "Thanks, Charles."
[[Now, what's wrong with Ron?!!|Page 12]]Just then, Ron sat straight up, eyes wide. He sniffed the air, then chattered his teeth together before saying, "What happened? I don't feel so good."
"You don't look so good either," Jamie chimed in.
Ron decided at that point to
[[Take the rest of the day off and head home.|Page 13]]
[[Take a quick nap on the couch in Chris' office.|Page 14]]Upon arriving at his humble abode, Ron decided to head to the master bathroom to splash some water on his face. After washing his hands, Ron put a warm washcloth to his face. [[He looked in the mirror and saw...|Page 15]]Before heading to Chris's office, Ron decided to stop by the restroom. He turned on the faucet. After washing his hands and splashing some warm water on his face, [[he looked in the mirror and saw...|Page 15]]His two front teeth were the size of the teeth of a horse! But they looked more like...hamster teeth?? He put his hand over his mouth in shock.
Just then, his head shook uncontrollably up and down in some sort of weird, slow, nodding motion. Ron's vision went black, and he put his hands to his head to stop the nodding. His vision returned to normal, and so did the size of his teeth. Ron couldn't believe what he had just experienced. He put his hands on his head again, the shaking started and the horse/hamster-teeth are back. Hands on his head, teeth gone. Ron whispers, "I'm like that Wolverine fellow...except with teeth instead of sweet steel claws."
[[The next day...|Page 16]]Ron woke up to see he'd grown a tail and fur, lots of fur. He darted to the bathroom. He began to rub his hands together, and the tail disappeared. For some reason he had the urge to wiggle his nose and sniff the air. The fur disappears. Ron began the think, "What am I--some sort of <i>Hamsterman?</i> What the heck kind of rip-off superhero is that?"It was still early, barely 7 o'clock. As Ron walked through the big room toward the back of the building to head to the basement, he was startled by a pounding on the door, so he [[went to see what all the noise was about.|Page 6]]