Sugarcane

The cerebral bore bores out the shark's cerebrum. [[Surprise|Pat Face]].

Returning to the zaibatsu headquarters from a long day both fighting and engaging in skycrime, you disembark from your majestic eagle and answer your ringing phone. Most of your attention is spent dodging the possessed furniture flying at your head, but you manage to gather the following information:\n1- It's Liam calling\n2- Woolie's on an insane rampage\n3- You're invited to a slumber party\n\nHopping into your presidential mech-suit, you prepare for combat.\n\nSuddenly, a [[firenado|Matt Firenado]] appears!

You pour a bowl of Cinnamon Frosted Cluster Bombs and throw it at the Firenado. It is [[doused by the milky torrent|Firenado Defeat]].

Your apartment. Every surface is coated, nay caked, in effluvial grime. Garbage mountain settles in the evening sun. \nYou are eating pizza, shirtless; it was much cooler when Dante did it.\n\nOne of your windows shatters as a giant steel fist knocks to get your attention. It's Matt, in his presidential mech suit. \n\n"Woolie's taken all the mailbag weapons!" he says. "He got tired of waiting for Mahvel, and now he's gone rogue! We've got no choice. We have to TAKE HIM DOWN."\n\n"Sure," you say, and begin the laborious process of peeling yourself off the sofa. Your attache case lies open, empty. Time to find some [[weapons|Pat Weapons]].

You show baby Ashley to the horrifying undead lobster and it [[scuttles away, terrified|Lobster Defeat]]. That's how disturbing the stuff in your apartment is.

<<set $mountain = "no">>A tidal wave of garbage engulfs your opponent. [[I don't think anything else need be said|Pat Face]].\n

SSStylish!\n\n[[You black out.|BR5]]

You hide in the cardboard box to sneak up on Woolie, but he's played Metal Gear and he's wise to your tricks. He fends you off with some expert [[CQC|Matt Woolie]].

When you wake up, Emma Stone is gone.\n\n"Did I S rank it?" You ask, feebly.\n\nAlone once more, you venture [[deeper into the Woolie hole|Matt Woolie]].

Oh god. [[What have you done?|DB2]]

A ginger-seeking butt-chomp appears out of the tall grass.\n\n"Oh shit!" you yell.\n\nMatt watches from a distance. "I'm going to allow this."\n\nWhat will you do?\n\n[[Use baby Ashley|Chomp Ashley]]\n\n[[Use rubber fist|Chomp Fist]]\n\n[[Use cerebral bore|Chomp Bore]]\n\n[[Summon garbage mountain|Chomp Mountain]]\n\n[[Summon ????????|DB]]

<<set $liam = "no">>Dressed in a bikini and a cowboy hat, Liam arrives on the scene. \n\n"Let's engage in some jolly co-operation," he says.\n\nHis twin katanas flash as he executes his death dance. Your enemy doesn't last two seconds.\n\n"I didn't hear you call me 'Boss'!" you yell. "You're grounded!"\n\nWith a quick bow, Liam fires up his 3D manuever gear and zips away.\n\nYou wipe the sparkles out of your eyes and get [[back to business|Matt Lobster Defeat]].

<<set $zach = "no">>Zach leaps through the sky, silhouetted for a moment against the moon, before crashing to earth, cracking the concrete under his mighty paws. With a single berserker barrage, your enemy is dead.\n\n"[[Combination complete|Matt Lobster Defeat]]," says Zach.\n

[img[http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/112/c/d/super_best_friends_2__electric_boogaloo_by_joe_wright-d7fjsy6.jpg]]\n[[PRESS START|Character select]]

The firenado is already on fire. Your crafts are of [[no use|Matt Firenado]] here.

Unwilling to risk losing one of your tiny baby hands, you throw a rubber fist at your enemy. It bounces away [[harmlessly|Pat Duel]].\n

You pour a bowl of Matt's Bomb-Ass Cereal System and throw it into the shark's mouth.\n\n"This is delicious!" says the shark, wet cereal spilling from its open gills. "To think I've spent thousands of years eating nothing but plankton. You have shown me the light, thank you kind stranger!"\n\nThe shark [[moves aside|Matt Face]].

<<set $mountain = "no">>A tidal wave of garbage engulfs your opponent. [[I don't think anything else need be said|Chomp Defeat]].

GAME IS BORKEN\n[img[http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/112/7/e/borken_by_joe_wright-d7fjtjt.jpg]]

Baby Ashley is creep as fuck. She'll probably come in [[useful|Pat Weapons]].

The lobster is defeated!\n\n"This sucks," says Pat. "Games need systems! This isn't even a game, this is just a dumb book where someone lost a bunch of pages. I've got plenty of those at my apartment."\n\nThere he goes, yammering about systems again. "What's your problem?" you ask. "Can't something just be fun?"\n\nHe seems to consider this for a second. [["No!"|Matt Shark]]

<<set $fireaxe = "no">>With all your might, you hurl your fireaxe in [[entirely the wrong direction|Matt Lobster]]

Unwilling to risk losing one of your tiny baby hands, you throw a rubber fist at your enemy. It bounces away [[harmlessly|Pat Shark]].

You gather up the various rubber fists. \n\n"I'd better take these," you say, "in case of... [[opportunities|Pat Weapons]]."

Carefully, you apply glitter glue to the lobster's shell. The lobster [[bursts into flame|Matt Lobster Defeat]].

<<silently>>\n<<set $fireaxe = "yes">>\n<<set $liam = "yes">>\n<<set $zach = "yes">>\n<<set $mountain = "yes">>\n<<endsilently>>\nCHARACTER SELECT\n[[Matt|Matt]]\n[[Pat|Pat]]\nRising Superstar DLC coming soon

The lobster is defeated!\n\n"This sucks," you say. "Games need systems! This isn't even a game, this is just a dumb book where someone lost a bunch of pages. I've got plenty of those at my apartment."\n\n"What's your problem?" asks Matt. "Can't something just be fun?"\n\nYou consider this for a second. [["No!"|Dysentery]]

Unwilling to risk losing one of your tiny baby hands, you throw a rubber fist at your enemy. It bounces away [[harmlessly|Pat Chomp]].

Press [[circle|BR2]]!

You emerge in Woolie's inner sanctum. Woolie himself presides over a palace of cardboard boxes.\n\n"About time you got here," he says. "Now my ascension can begin."\n\n"Woolie!" you shout. "Did you go insane? I heard you went insane."\n\n"Yeah, I'm insane now fucker, deal with it. You made me carry really heavy boxes every day, and now I'm crazy. Them's the breaks."\n\n"Did anyone send me anything cool?"\n\n"It's all mine now," says Woolie, resplendent in his Street Fighter onesie. "Look, I've got twelve Gurren Lagann boxsets. And someone gave me a stand."\n\n"That's not a stand, that's just a guy you made out of cardboard boxes."\n\n"Unacceptable!" growls Woolie. "You'll learn soon enough. My ascension draws near."\n\nWhat will you do?\n\nUse [[cardboard box|Pat Box]]\n\nUse [[boxcutter|Pat Zubaz]]\n\nUse [[baby Ashley|Pat Nope]]\n\nUse [[rubber fist|Pat Nope]]\n\nUse [[cerebral bore|Woolie Bore]]\n\nThere is no phone signal in the Woolie hole! You cannot summon!

You reach for the boxcutter that lies on the ground, but Woolie gets there first.\n\n"You thought you could defeat me?" he laughs. A machine constructed of cardboard and fan mail begins to crackle with electricity. "You should know by now. If you fuck with the Baz, you get the horns."\n\nLightning strikes, and Woolie is transformed by the essence of Zubaz. "CAN YOU FEEL THE STORM?" he asks. He raises the boxcutter aloft, and somehow lops his own arm off.\n\n"Fuck," he says, changing back into vanilla Woolie, his one remaining arm clutching at his bloody stump. \n\n"You can borrow one of these," you say, offering him a rubber fist.\n\n\nTHE END

You pour a bowl of Crunchberry Fondant Owl Pellets and throw it at the lobster. It has [[no discernible effect|Matt Lobster]].

Super Best Friends 2:\nThe Legend of Woolie's Gold

You fire the cerebral bore, only for Woolie to catch it in his dreads and whip it back at you. Great job you oaf, you just bored your own cerebrum.\n\n\nTHE END.

You try your best, but Woolie dodges your attack, disappearing and leaving a tree stump behind with some [[magic Naruto bullshit|Pat Hole 2]].

You give Pat a friendship bracelet, but its unintentionally razor sharp edges [[flay him alive|Matt Hole]].

The bore can't penetrate the lobster's hard shell! [[And now it's all clogged up with mummy bandages!|Chomp Defeat]]

Matt asks you why you're carrying so many rubber fists.\n\nLoud sweating commences.\n\nLuckily, a mummified lobster appears!\n\nWhat will you do?\n\n[[Use baby Ashley|Lobster Ashley]]\n\n[[Use rubber fist|Lobster Fist]]\n\n[[Use cerebral bore|Lobster Bore]]\n\n<<if $mountain eq "yes">>Summon [[garbage mountain|Lobster Mountain]] <<endif>>\n\nSummon [[????????|DB]]

You pour a bowl of Marshmallow Kaiju Loops and give it to Woolie. It's too delicious to resist; his diabetes does the rest.\n\n\nTHE END.

You reach for the boxcutter that lies on the ground, but Woolie gets there first.\n\n"You thought you could defeat me?" he laughs. A machine constructed of cardboard and fan mail begins to crackle with electricity. "You should know by now. If you fuck with the Baz, you get the horns."\n\nLightning strikes, and Woolie is transformed by the essence of Zubaz. "CAN YOU FEEL THE STORM?" he asks. He raises the boxcutter aloft, and somehow lops his own arm off.\n\n"Fuck," he says, changing back into vanilla Woolie, his one remaining arm clutching at his bloody stump. \n\n"Hey, now you can have that bionic arm you always wanted," you say, donning your sunglasses.\n\n\nTHE END

Alright!\n\nTwiddle the [[left stick|BR4]]!

Dope!\n\nPress [[triangle|BR3]]!

You fire the cerebral bore at Matt. The projectile drill hits him square in the hat skull, and then bores down through his skull skull. [[He's dead before he hits the ground|Pat Hole]].

Well done, now you have no job. [[Nice work, idiot.|Pat Hole 2]]

You pick up the bloody cerebral bore.\n\n"Whoa shit!" you say. "I forgot about this. Better [[hide the evidence|Pat Weapons]]."

A monstrous basking shark blocks the way to the Woolie hole. It gapes at you, it's toothless mouth threatening to swallow you whole.\n\nWhat will you do?\n\nUse [[baby Ashley|Shark Ashley]]\n\nUse [[rubber fist|Shark Fist]]\n\nUse [[cerebral bore|Shark Bore]]\n\n<<if $mountain eq "yes">>Summon [[garbage mountain|Shark Mountain]]<<endif>>\n\nSummon [[????????|DB]]

<<set $Zach = "no">>Zach leaps through the sky, silhouetted for a moment against the moon, before crashing to earth, cracking the concrete under his mighty paws. With a single berserker barrage, your enemy is dead.\n\n"[[Combination complete|Matt Hole]]," says Zach.

You try your best, but Woolie dodges your attack, disappearing and leaving a tree stump behind with some [[magic Naruto bullshit|Matt Woolie]].

You emerge in Woolie's inner sanctum. Woolie himself presides over a palace of cardboard boxes.\n\n"About time you got here," he says. "Now my ascension can begin."\n\n"Woolie!" you shout. "Did you go insane? I heard you went insane."\n\n"Yeah, I'm insane now fucker, deal with it. You made me carry really heavy boxes every day, and now I'm crazy. Them's the breaks."\n\n"Did anyone send me anything cool?"\n\n"It's all mine now," says Woolie, resplendent in his Street Fighter onesie. "Look, I've got twelve Gurren Lagann boxsets. And someone gave me a stand."\n\n"That's not a stand, that's just a guy you made out of cardboard boxes."\n\n"Unacceptable!" growls Woolie. "You'll learn soon enough. My ascension draws near."\n\nWhat will you do?\n\nUse [[cardboard box|Matt Box]]\n\nUse [[boxcutter|Matt Zubaz]]\n\n[[Use cereal|Woolie Cereal]]\n\n[[Use arts and crafts|Matt Nope]]\n\n<<if $fireaxe eq "yes">>[[Throw fire axe|Matt Nope]]<<endif>>\n\nThere is no phone signal in the Woolie hole! You cannot summon!

You show baby Ashley to the basking shark, but it remains unfazed. As creepy as she is, she cannot compare to this [[horror from the depths|Pat Shark]].

A body lies at the entrance to the Woolie hole, its face sliced cleanly off. The image reminds you of something.\n\n"This is like that one movie," you say. "I think John Travolta has a boat race with Nick Cage or something."\n\n"That's it!" screams Pat, as his eyes spurt fire and his beard turns to lava. "[[I'll fucking kill you!|Matt Duel]]"

<<set $fireaxe = "no">>Summoning all your might, you heave the axe into a bottomless chasm.\n\n"Hahahahahaha!" Laughs Pat.\n\n"It's not even that funny though," you say.\n\nIt [[totally is though|Matt Shark]].

THE WHEEL OF FACE/OFF IS TURNING!\n\n[[Use cereal|Pat Cereal]]\n\n[[Use arts and crafts|Pat Crafts]]\n\n<<if $fireaxe eq "yes">>[[Throw fire axe|Pat Fireaxe]]<<endif>>\n\n<<if $liam eq "yes">>[[Summon Liam|Pat Liam]]<<endif>>\n\n<<if $zach eq "yes">>[[Summon Zach|Pat Zach]]<<endif>>

<<set $mountain = "no">>A tidal wave of garbage engulfs your opponent. [[I don't think anything else need be said|Pat Hole]].\n

You begin to pretty up the shark with decorative ribbons. Within seconds, [[the giant beast is aflame|Matt Face]].

Mummified Lobster confirmed for Smash!\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n[[Use cereal|Matt Lobster Cereal]]\n\n[[Use arts and crafts|Matt Lobster Crafts]]\n\n<<if $fireaxe eq "yes">>[[Throw fire axe|Matt Lobster Fireaxe]]<<endif>>\n\n<<if $liam eq "yes">>[[Summon Liam|Matt Lobster Liam]]<<endif>>\n\n<<if $zach eq "yes">>[[Summon Zach|Matt Lobster Zach]]<<endif>>

<<set $fireaxe = "no">>With all your strength, you throw the fire axe, and it smacks directly into Pat's face, splitting it apart. It reminds you of a film!\n\n"YEEAAAAHHHH BOIII!" you yell. That axe-throw was a long time coming.\n\n[[You venture into the Woolie hole alone.|Matt Hole]]

You pick up Pat from his horrible apartment in the slums and watch as he struggles with a ginger-seeking butt-chomp for a while, like the peasant he is. It is quite amusing.\n\n[[PAT HAS JOINED THE PARTY!|Matt Lobster]]

"I've known you for years," says Matt. "I have [[no more creep to give|Pat Duel]]."

<<set $mountain = "no">>A tidal wave of garbage engulfs your opponent. [[I don't think anything else need be said|Lobster Defeat]].\n

[[You bored its cerebrum|Chomp Defeat]]! Well done!\n\n"Gross," says Matt.

[[The butt-chomp is creeped out|Chomp Defeat]]. He doesn't want to chomp your butt anymore. He doesn't know where it's been.

You hide in the cardboard box to sneak up on Woolie, but he's played Metal Gear and he's wise to your tricks. He fends you off with some expert [[CQC|Pat Hole 2]].

Unwilling to risk losing one of your tiny baby hands, you throw a rubber fist at your enemy. [[It bounces away harmlessly.|Chomp Defeat]]

You find Emma Stone in the Woolie hole.\n\n"What are you doing in the Woolie hole, Emma stone?" you ask.\n\n"Nothing," she says sheepishly. "I saw how you murdered that dude. It was super hot."\n\nYou put on your suave face, which lasts all of half a second until she rips off her shirt.\n\n"It's time for you to bone the Stone," she says.\n\n"Okay," you reply from [[between her bosoms|Bonus Round]].

You look around the apartment for things you can use. Romantic [[rubber fists|Rubber Fists]] litter the bedroom. [[Baby Ashley|Baby Ashley]] stares down from the top of the wardrobe. A bloody [[cerebral bore|Cerebral Bore]] is in the bathroom sink.\n\nThere's also a high frequency blade on the floor, but it's too high frequency and you're kind of scared of it. It vibrates around on the carpet threatening to sever your feet. Best to stay away from it.\n\nOnce you're all tooled up, it's [[time to go|Pat Chomp]].

A monstrous basking shark blocks the way to the Woolie hole. It gapes at you, it's toothless mouth threatening to swallow you whole.\n\nWhat will you do?\n\n[[Use cereal|Shark Cereal]]\n\n[[Use arts and crafts|Shark Crafts]]\n\n<<if $fireaxe eq "yes">>[[Throw fire axe|Shark Fireaxe]]<<endif>>\n\n<<if $liam eq "yes">>[[Summon Liam|Shark Liam]]<<endif>>\n\n<<if $zach eq "yes">>[[Summon Zach|Shark Zach]]<<endif>>

Joseph Wright\n\nYou can find more of his writing at:\n[[Amazon UK|http://www.amazon.co.uk/A-Certain-Number-Hypothetical-Scenarios/dp/1492175471]]\n[[Amazon US|http://www.amazon.com/A-Certain-Number-Hypothetical-Scenarios/dp/1492175471]]\n[[Smashwords (ebook)|https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/349678]]\n\n\nWatch Super Best Friends at [[TheSw1tcher|https://www.youtube.com/user/TheSw1tcher]]

A body lies at the entrance to the Woolie hole, its face sliced cleanly off. You watch as Matt stares at it, knowing what is coming, but powerless to stop it.\n\n"This reminds me of a movie," says Matt. "I think John Travolta has a boat race with Nick Cage or something."\n\n"That's it!" you scream, as your eyes spurt fire and your beard turns to lava. "[[I'll fucking kill you!|Pat Duel]]"

<<set $fireaxe = "no">>You decide to throw your fire axe at the firenado, fighting fire with its natural enemy. \n\nYou miss, and the fire axe clatters to the ground.\n\nHumbled by your apparent show of mercy, the [[firenado leaves|Firenado Defeat]].

Matt has dysentery.\n\n[[Continue|Pat Shark]]

You pour a bowl of Banana Bran Warcrimes and throw it at Pat. The milk steams as it drips from his lava beard. If anything he looks [[even angrier|Matt Duel]].