James H., she says when she gets to the music and movies section of the Wal-Mart. I’ve been driving for a long time, and I’m thinking about hanging out in this town for a minute, and I don't really know anyone here except for you kind of, and I was kind of hoping you could [[show me around.|show me around]]

It was a dress, Maria’s sure of it. The question is, does she [[ask him about it]] or does she pretend she [[didn't see it]]?

Once she’s stoned she can’t really communicate right, but then she tries to ask James H. a question. What do you want?\nNot all this, he says.\nMaria’s like, Well, now is the time when you do anything. And anything is gonna turn out great.\n[[She's talking weird.|She's talking weird]] Listen, James says, do you want to go inside and find some food and stuff?\n[[Fuck yeah I do.|Fuck yeah I do]]

Oh it must be Nicole's right? Maria says, and she sounds fake even to herself and she's pretty sure James isn't buying it, but he doesn't get angry or defensive or anything, which is a relief considering how she just barged into his private life.\n\nShe puts the dress back but at the same time she's thinking, How the fuck am I going to recover from that. She should have just pretended she [[didn't see it]].

Okay Maria didn’t mean to get too stoned to have a real talk but like a baked-ass Machiavellian genius, she at least managed to turn the conversation toward serious stuff. But that’s pretty much as far as they get, and they kind of just hang out for the rest of the night until she [[falls asleep]] on his futon.\n\n

Because how do you tell somehow that you figured out they were trans, not because of what they did or how they acted but because every day you're looking for someon who is trans so you can make friends with them and they can tell you that you are trans too and solve the problem for you?\n\n[[Continue|answer]]

Maria doesn’t go right back into the Wal-Mart. She’s thinking, [[I should go.|I should go]] She drove almost all the way across the country trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with her. Why stop right here, in this little nowhere town, just ‘cause she saw some kid in a Wal-Mart that she thinks might be trans? But maybe what she needs to do for once is look the fuck away from the mirror for twenty minutes and [[pay attention to someone else.|pay attention to someone else]]

Think about specifics, Maria says. Do you want to have lots of weird sex, no sex, lots of weird vegan food, a haircut that reads like a secret code that identifies you as a member of a subculture to other members of that subculture. [[Be specific, James H.|Be specific, James H]]

The next morning, James kind of completely catches her by surprise with his question.\n\nSo uh, he asks, and he's not meeting her eyes, You're trans right?\n\n[[Fuck|Fuck]], she mutters.

She comes out of the bathroom and sits back down on the futon. Yes, James H., I'm trans. How did you know?\n\nJames is like, I dunno.\n\nAre <i>you</i> trans, she asks. She doesn't want to [[push this on him|push]] 'cause he has to put the pieces together himself and it's not something that she can do for him, but they've got to start somewhere.\n\nI dunno, he says again, but the way he looks after he says--scared, maybe a bit aggressive, but mostly like, do you believe me--[[makes his answer clear.|answer]]

(She’s kind of hoping that he’ll pick up on it on his own).\n\n[[Continue|asks if he wants to smoke]]

Maria stares for a little while more at the dashboard of her car, then makes her decision. She turns the engine off, opens the rest of the windows, locks the door and [[walks back|walks back]] across the parking lot.

Only, it’s not the bathroom. It’s a closet. Oh sorry, Maria says, Thought it was the bathroom, and she shuts the door fast ‘cause it feels like she’s intruding on something personal, closets are funny like that. But she doesn’t move fast enough, and [[something in the back]] catches her eye before the door closes.\n

She hurries into the bathroom before James can say anything. Like, it had been her plan since yesterday to tell him she was trans so she could talk about it and they could get down to some real hardcore talks. But starting with the dress was a bad idea.\n\nShe’s like, okay, I’ll just talk about being trans. [[No big deal]]. I talk about being trans all the time! Just not out loud. But still.\n\n

So it's something you've thought about?\n\nHe's like, I don't know, I guess so.\n\nShe's like, So you knew I was trans?\n\nAnd he's like, [[I dunno, yeah|yeah]].\n\nAnd she's like, Well, uh, if you want to [[talk about it|talk]] I transitioned a long time ago and I kind of guessed that you were trans?

Nevada Remix

The next morning James decides to just come out and ask her. So uh, he says, trying to look like he wasn’t asking something inappropriate, You’re trans right?\n\nFuck, she mutters. She gets up off the futon and walks over to the [[bathroom]].\n

So Maria's like totally ready to get down and talk about serious stuff, about being trans, 'cause she thinks that this is maybe a chance where she can help herself and also help James H. and the two of them can have a little, like, self-discovery, but then James starts [[talking and talking|talking]]. Mostly about his girlfriend Nicole, about how she's tied to this town and this life and how he doesn't know if he can get away from this stuff he doesn't care about and stay with her.\n\nMaria's nodding like she's following along and stuff but she's pretty sure that his relationship with Nicole isn't the problem. James just doesn't know how to be himself and you can't be in a relationship if you're busily refusing to be a person.

She pulls out the dark blue dress. It kind of looks like someone’s dead grandmother’s, but she’s pretty sure it’s his. Whose dress is this, she asks anyway. \n\nJames looks pretty stricken, and then Maria feels bad 'cause obviously it was some secret of his and she just pulled it out and waved it in his face.\n\nNone of your business, he says. He stands up, and Maria can see how shaken he is. Please get out of my apartment.\n\nMaria hesitates. God, they haven't talked about <i>anything</i> yet and she's already fucked everything up. Maybe she should put it back and [[pretend she thought it was Nicole's|feign ignorance]] or something. Or maybe she really should [[leave|abandon ship]].

Somehow they end up in the parking lot behind James’s apartment, sitting in Maria’s old green car with the windows rolled all the way up. Maria [[asks if he wants to smoke|asks if he wants to smoke]], because it’s way fucking easier than [[starting the conversation she really wants to have.|starting the conversation she really wants to have]]

Is he serious, does he actually want me to leave, Maria thinks. \n\nJames [[repeats himself|repeats]].

Maria grabs her bags and wraps up her things. Okay, I'm going.\n\nHe stares at her, like, kind of incredulous and confused at the same time.\n\nSorry about that, Maria says, and she really is sorry, she of all people should know about invading people's privacy, but it's too late now. Bye, James H. See you later, or actually probably never.

You know, I kind of know what you’re going through right now, she says\n. \nWhat am I going through, he asks. He's pretty sure that this chick is trans and he's kind of afraid that she's going to voice the thoughts that have been in his head and just be like, <i>You're</i> trans, James! but she doesn't.\n\nHe doesn't know that that's pretty much exactly what Maria's [[working up to.|eventually]] \n\n

Maria stares for a little while more at the dashboard of her car, then makes her decision. She starts the engine, rolls up the windows, drives out of the dinky little parking lot of the dinky little Wal-Mart, and decides to forget about James H.

They go up to James's apartment cause they're both starving but all he has is frozen tater tots. Whatever. Maria's hungry so she eats them anyway.\n\nSomehow they never get around to talking about being trans and all those questions about sexuality that come with it. Maria doesn't know if she's kind of trying to avoid it--like, she's never had this kind of one-on-one with anyone before--or if maybe James has somehow [[guessed|guessed]] and is trying to avoid it too.\n\nSo Maria ends up not really accomplishing anything at all in terms of self-discovery and all that other shit and ends up falling asleep on the futon in his apartment.\n

Not how she planned to start things out. She's thinking, Dude just straightup asked if I was trans! \n\nShe doesn't know how to answer him, so she just gets up off the futon and walks over to the [[bathroom.|bathroom]]

'Cause maybe like, <i>this</i> is the journey she's really been needing.

So they've kind of been making some progress, and Maria congratulates herself on starting the conversation, at least. They share some sandwiches made of old peanut butter and old bread and then out of the blue Maria is like, You've been to Reno, right?\n\nYeah, James says.\n\nYou wanna go to Reno? Right now?\n\nI dunno, he says, I kind of have like work this afternoon or whatever.\n\nYour call, Maria says. But you know, you want to work for Wal-Mart till you die or you want to come with a cool wingnut stranger lady to [[Reno|Reno]]?

If they keep skirting around the subject then they'll never get anywhere. Look, Maria says, I can't pretend I didn't see that dress in your closet. I know it's not Nicole's, it's yours. I want to help you figure this out. \n\nShe's actually pretty psyched to begin, but James interrupts her. He's upset. Okay, maybe bringing up the dress again was a bad idea. \n\nCan you just, like, [[go now|go now]]? he mutters. You showed up out of nowhere and kind of barged into my life and I don't know if I want that.

Lauretta Zhao\nKyle Boykin\nLily Lau

Okay fine, yeah, whatever, I'll leave then, Maria says. Suddenly she's kind of annoyed with both herself and James. Okay, she fucked up, she really shouldn't have mentioned the dress again, but she just wanted somewhere to start.\n\nHe watches her and doesn't say anything as she grabs her things and leaves the apartment. Bye, James H., she says.\n\nBye.\n\nOnce she's back in her car she starts wondering why she even stopped in this town in the first place. Or really, why she went back into the Wal-Mart to talk to James. What was she thinking, she could teach him to be trans or something? It sounded pretty fucking stupid when she put it like that.

There's like these two conflicting feelings going through James right now, like, who the fuck does she think she is trying to talk to me about shit I don't want to talk about, but also maybe I could go with her and ditch this town and wear her clothes and bum her hormones and maybe everything would be totally okay.\n\nYeah, he finally says, Sometimes I think about being a girl, but more like Nicole, not like those ladies with the makeup and boring stupid jokes and\n\nYeah, Maria says. I know. She's pretty sure that he's trans, but maybe not, 'cause even though he seems like it, it's really not up to her to decide. It's like how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares or some shit like that. Like, maybe he just likes wearing dresses and stuff but that doesn't necessarily mean he's trans. So she figures just let him keep [[talking|continue]].