[[Choose a random goal.]] <img src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SsK48-JlK_8/WCucdTtq-XI/AAAAAAAAFnE/iUNqyihl2R805R20wssoa-YBGrGJE77QQCLcB/s640/Gormenghast.jpg"> Almost all from <a href="https://gshowitt.itch.io/goblin-quest">Goblin Quest</a> by Grant Howitt <i>et al</i>.(set:$random to (random:1,30)){ }(if:$random is 1)[Take Boat – You’ve got your grubby little hands on a ship! Well, it’s really more of a dinghy. “Dinghy” might even be too generous, actually. Anyway, you’ve somehow got your hands on a somehow-seaworthy pile of wood and the ocean is your oyster. At the very least, it’s full of delicious oysters. What will you do? Who will you rob? How much loot can you pile into your boat before it inevitably sinks to the bottom of the sea?]{ }(if:$random is 2)[Putting The Band Back Together – When Boss Bluggasnik demands to be entertained, you’d better be entertaining – unless you want to end up like the last unlucky gobs whose comedy routine didn’t go over so well with him. There’s only one thing Bluggasnik loves as much as thrashing goblins and that’s the sound of a full zorbler band. Guess you’d better beg, borrow, and steal as many instruments as you can and get practising!]{ }(if:$random is 3)[An Enchanted Evening – You heard something called the Wizards’ Ball had the best grub around, so you whipped up the perfect disguise and swiped an invitation from some unlucky schmuck. Now you’re inside, and as long as nobody can tell that Wizard E. Wizzing is really just a bunch of goblins standing on each other’s shoulders under a big robe and a mask, you’re about to eat of the finest meals you’ve ever eaten.]{ }(if:$random is 4)[The Dirty Dozen – Grizzo the bugbear’s cadre of elite goblin bodyguards and lackeys has been taunting and jeering at you all day. Well, you’re not gonna take it anymore. You’ve pinched a clutch of the smelliest eggs you could find, waited until just the perfect moment, and now they’re gonna be the ones with egg on their faces. Assuming you don’t just lose patience and eat them first, that is.]{ }(if:$random is 5)[Stewed Goons – You’ve finally got the last ingredient for Nabgrub’s famous ‘filth belcher’ stew: a rare mushroom that only grows deep underground. Now you’ve just gotta bring it back and you’ll get all the stew you can eat. The only catch is, the mushrooms are just a little – a little - explosively volatile, and the cave’s full of goblin-eating Things.]{ }(if:$random is 6)[Dental Plan – You need yer ears checked? You ‘erd me. Get out there and don’t come back until you’ve got a dragin toof! Probably you should have thought twice about messing around with old Lugrot’s tent. Now it’s just you, these absurdly large pliers, and a firebreathing mass of cantankerous scales that’s none too likely to willingly give up one of its pearly whites.]{ }(if:$random is 7)[Stop The Pigeon – Someone’s been sending messages with some kind of magic bird through the Great Battle Camp, and guess what? You got picked to catch it and figure out what it’s up to. Finally, an easy gig – it’s just one enchanted bird, how tough can it be to grab?]{ }(if:$random is 8)[The Big Green – Goblinball is a messy, dangerous sport. Nobody’s exactly clear on the rules, but they seem to involve a big, heavy spiked ball stuck on the end of a chain and a number of very upset boars. You never had a shot before, but everything’s different since you swiped that strength-enhancing potion from that shady alchemist. This year, when the dust settles, it’s your bloody carcasses they’re gonna be cheering for.]{ }(if:$random is 9)[You’ve Bean Had – You had to steal an awful lot, but it was worth it to finally get your hands on that mysterious stranger’s magical beans. Who knows what’s gonna happen when you plant them? Hopefully you’ll find out before Biggarm realizes it was you who pinched his lucky ring to pay for them.]{ }(if:$random is 10)[The Boar Prize – Every month there’s a goblin lottery. The good news is, you finally won! The bad news is that the prize is giving the boss’ prize boar, Foulswiller, a bath. You’re gonna have to wheedle your way out of it or else hope Foulswiller’s in an uncharacteristically good mood if you’re gonna get out of this in one piece.]{ }(if:$random is 11)[I wanna know who made (makes expansive gesture) ALL THIS. The world. Us. The sky. Stones. Food. Poo. Who done all that? Why they done that? We should find out.]{ }(if:$random is 12)[For this quest, you must milk a cow and deliver the milk to a dairy. Maybe you will be rewarded with cheese!]{ }(if:$random is 13)[It’s somebody's birthday! Granny goblin, or granddaughter goblin. Find her a proper gift. She likes blue.]{ }(if:$random is 14)[You brave adventurers have been selected from among all the goblin hordes to retrieve the ancient lost treasure of the Goblin King. He lost it last month in the back garden and reports are that a squirrel has made a nest in it. Don’t kill the squirrel.]{ }(if:$random is 15)[One of your number is about to be wed. Your betrothed has a final request: wash the shirt she would like to wear at the wedding.]{ }(if:$random is 16)[You have found a cute little kitten. Bring it to the Goblin King and ask if you can keep it as a pet.]{ }(if:$random is 17)[Something is stealing your goblin cheese. Set a trap and discover the thief.]{ }(if:$random is 18)[Somewhere in the conference centre, there lies a large chicken farm. In that farm, there is a large hen-house. In that hen-house, there is a single golden egg. In the golden egg, there is a key. Fetch the key]{ }(if:$random is 19)[Hatey Plopkins – You’ve heard - somewhere, somehow - that the big thing these days is to be famous. And that the best way to do that is to say really mean things about people. So you’re going to have to find some kind of stage to stand on, and some way to broadcast your voice. And once you’ve insulted everyone you can think of... you’re going to need to at least attempt to escape their wrath.]{ }(if:$random is 20)[Live In Idleness – Listen, sometimes wizards brew potions in cauldrons they bought slightly too cheap from a dodgy peddlar. And sometimes those cauldrons of potions explode. And sometimes you happen to have been standing right there when a cauldron of potion exploded all over you. This one was a love potion. You’ve fallen in love with the first thing you saw after you woke up, whether man, goblin, chicken or table. Your goal is to win some expression of their affection in return. Good luck with that.]{ }(if:$random is 21)[You’re Dicey – There was this goblin, right? They were your sibling in the goblinvats. Grew up together (for about 20 minutes). You guys were like that. And then they got killed in the war. Well, that’s what you’re for. The only issue is that you heard some bard singing a song about someone who went back to the underworld to try to get their friend back. So that’s what you’re going to try. You never know, if you’re particularly unlucky, you might even find a mage or a demon who could actually send you to the underworld. Or maybe somewhere that just feels like it.]{ }(if:$random is 22)[Three Goblins And A Baby Human – One of these orcs has sired offspring on a demon from the ninth realm. He couldn’t really help it, it’s not like there are perfectly effective contraceptive charms available practically for nothing from any hedge witch or anything. It’s not completely clear he knew the demon was female though, so I guess that’s something. Anyway, the demon dropped the baby off with him and he’s dropped it off with you. Your major goal is: keep this demi-orc, demi-demon warrior-spawned baby alive until the guy with the big muscles gets back from the battle. Although, given the really weird thing its eyes do when it gets cross, it might be best to also think about how you are going to survive this.]{ }(if:$random is 23)[The Daily Gobbin’ – You heard a herald arriving from a distant land with news of how the battle fares on far shores. Man, was that dame ever treated nicely! They gave her a whole roast chicken, let her sit on something soft, got her mead and all sorts of things. Just imagine what would happen if you started some kind of enterprise to discover and announce new things that have happened. First you’ll have to find out some of these ‘news’ - you might start by listening at doors, stealing some interesting stuff - and then announce what you’ve found to anyone who seems interested. It can’t fail!]{ }(if:$random is 24)[The Tastiest Game – Serving at those Great Banquets is something, huh? All those amazing jellied knibs and roasted squarls and enormous piles of chocolate buttons. Incredible. You’ve conceived the ambition to host a banquet like this yourself. You’ll have to find some of the raw ingredients – the more raw the better, really – and then find some way to cook them, and some instructions about how you’re supposed to cook. And what ‘cooking’ is.]{ }(if:$random is 25)[You must unite the goblins to help the mortals.]{ }(if:$random is 26)[It is time to find out the limits of the conference centre.]{ }(if:$random is 27)[You need to sneak into the tunnel that leads to one of the other goblin universities.]{ }(if:$random is 28)[The Chancellor Goblin is in terrible danger. You'd better warn her.]{ }(if:$random is 29)[One of the goblins here stole your research. Revenge!]{ }(if:$random is 30)[You must spy on a secret closed panel being held somewhere at the Goblin Gathering!] [[Back->Start]]