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Well, this is tedious...
You've been kidnapped by the Lizard King, again. Three installments in the series of the game, and in every single one, you get snatched up by the Lizard King & have to sit around the castle waiting for your rather incompetent rescuer, Sir Geoffrey.
It's a massive inconvenience, seeing as you're a princess with a kingdom to rule. Do the game developers ever consider that your peaceful republic will devolve into chaos without a fair, level-headed ruler? No. They simply expect you to take the time out of your busy royal schedule to sit around and await rescue.
Like you said. [[Tedious.]]
The way you figure it, you've got two options:
1. Wait for Sir Geoffrey to make his way through the levels and rescue you.
Or 2. Get off your ass & do something about it yourself.
So, what'll it be? [[One...]] or [[Two?]]
<<audio mainsong play>>Okay, fair enough. You'll do what's expected of you - sit around and look pretty and wait for Sir Geoffrey to rescue you. It's certainly less work than busting out of the castle yourself.
So, [[waiting]] it is.Alright! That's the kind of initiative that makes you such an excellent ruler! Who needs to sit around and wait for rescue? You're a modern woman capable of taking matters into her own hands.
[[Let's break out of here!]]Whoever's playing as Sir Geoffrey sucks at this game, though. He's played for an hour and still hasn't passed the first level.
[[Do you keep waiting?]]
[[Or hatch a plan to escape->Two?]]First things first - pick a princess-worthy skill:
[[Embroidery]]
[[Baking]]
[[Lute playing]]
[[Painting]]
<<audio death stop>>
<<audio mainsong play>>Fair enough. After all, you weren't programmed to have any agency, or serve any purpose besides being a convenient motivation for Geoffrey to go on his quest. He's the hero of the story, not you. Best to do what's expected of you.
Unless you want to [[take matters into your own hands->Two?]]
Of course, you could always just [[keep waiting.]] He's just passed level one, so it'll only be about 50 more hours of playtime before he reaches you.Embroidery, huh? That's a great skill!
So you're pretty used to handling sharp objects, right? Might as well grab that [[sword]] on the wall. Sword? Embroidery needle? What's the difference really?Baking? Great!
Not only do you make a mean oatmeal cookie, but your skill in the kitchen makes you adept at crafting potions and poisons. Better grab your [[baking supplies.]] Never know when that might come in handy...Lute playing? Good choice!
Why don't you strap your [[lute]] to your back as you escape? Might come in handy somehow!Painting? Awesome!
You're particularly good at minute details and mixing colors. That might come in handy somehow!
Better grab your [[paint set!]]You start counting the stones in the castle walls.
There are 83 on the far wall.
What a thrilling afternoon.
At least he's passed level 2.
You could certainly [[keep waiting...]]
Or your could get off your ass & [[do something about it->Two?]]Tick...
Tock...
Tick...
Tock...
Each second drags on torturously.
Last chance:
Sure you want to [[continue waiting?]]
Or [[do something about your predicament?->Two?]]+1 sword to inventory! Awesome!
You peek out the window in your room. There are three small dragons patrolling the halls.
Do you try to [[escape out the window?]]
Or do you [[fight your way out?]]
<<audio inventory play>>+1 paint set to inventory! Cool!
You peek out the window in your room. There are three small dragons patrolling the halls.
Do you try to [[escape out the window?]]
Or [[figure out a way to get past the dragons?]]
<<audio inventory play>>+1 baking set to inventory! Sweet! (Literally)
You peek out the window in your room. There are three small dragons patrolling the halls.
Do you [[escape out the window?]]
Or do you [[find a way to get past the dragons?]]
<<audio inventory play>>+1 lute to inventory! Great!
You peek out the window in your room. There are three small dragons patrolling the halls.
Do you try to [[escape out the window?]]
Or somehow use your lute to [[fight the dragons?]]
<<audio inventory play>>You pick the lock on your door with a hair pin and burst out of the room.
The dragons spin around and begin to approach.
Well, it's [[now or never.]]You peer out of the window of the tower you're locked away in. It's several stories off the ground. Nevertheless, you tie some bedsheets together and begin rappelling down the side of the tower.
Fifty feet off the ground, your bedsheets rip and you tumble to your death.
<b>[[YOU DIED]]</b>
Alright!
You take another peek out of the window in your room. These dragons look like Silver-Bellied Mountain Dragons. And of course, you know what they say about Silver-Bellies. They love music!
You pick up your lute and begin to [[play them a little tune.]]You take out your baking set. Luckily, you're well stocked with everything you need.
You bake some cinnamon rolls, but you put a secret sleeping potion inside of them.
You slip the plate of cinnamon rolls out through the window and [[wait...]]You take another peek out of the window in your room. These dragons look like Silver-Bellied Mountain Dragons. And everyone knows that Silver-Bellies have particularly bad eyesight.
You begin to [[hatch a plan.]]Huh, you can die in this game too, just like Sir Geoffrey. Good to know, you suppose.
Would you like to [[reload from your last save?->Let's break out of here!]]
<<audio death play>>
<<audio mainsong stop>>You took first place in the Royal Lute Playing Competition last year, so you lovely melody soon puts them right to sleep.
You pick the lock with your hair pin and creep down the hall without waking them.
Nice job! Your first task accomplished!
Now where to next?
The hallways branches [[right]] and [[left.]]The dragons perk their heads up at the smell of those delicious cinnamon rolls. What can you say? It's a secret family recipe and they're irresistible.
They begin munching on the rolls. After a few bites, they begin to sway. Soon, they collapse to the ground, fast asleep.
You pick the lock on the door with a hairpin & creep down the hall without waking them.
Nice job! Step 1 complete! Now where to next?
The hallway branches [[right]] and [[left.]]Right it is!
You cautiously proceed down the long stone hallway. The torches mounted on the walls cast ominous shadows. You strengthen your resolve and keep walking. A princess must maintain her composure, of course.
Up ahead you hear a small whimpering sound. You approach slowly.
On the right on the hall, you see a small cell. Locked away in it is a white kitten.
<i>Oh my god,</i> you think.
[["HOW CUTE!!!!!"]]
<<audio death stop>>
<<audio mainsong play>>Left it is!
You creep down the stone hall, torches throwing eerie shadows onto the castle walls.
Up ahead, you hear some low murmuring. As you approach, you catch snatches of speech.
"...lovis gratia... solvo meus mens... quod iacio..."
It sounds like someone casting a spell.
Should you [[investigate]] or [[keep walking?]]
<<audio death stop>>
<<audio mainsong play>>You know just what to do! You mix the perfect shades of grey to match the castle's stone walls and paint yourself with them.
You pick the lock on your door with a hair pin and slowly slip outside. You keep your back to the wall as you edge down the hall. As long as you move slowly and don't make any noise, the dragons won't notice you.
You make it through the hall unscathed! Nice work!
Now where to next?
The hallway branches [[right]] and [[left.]]Brandishing your sword, you charge at the dragons. Your first blow catches the biggest dragon right in the ankle and he tumbles to the ground. If you imagine the sword as a needle and thread, there's really nothing to it!
You fight your way through the dragons, making sure to incapacitate but not kill them.
"Sorry!" You call as you run away. "Normally I hate violence, but my genre requires it! Hopefully a bit of reconstructive surgery will fix you right up!"
You toss the sword down at the end of the hall (you don't want it to slow you down, after all) and keep running.
Alright, you made it past the dragons!
Now where to next?
The hallways branches [[right]] and [[left.]]Slowly, you approach the kitten.
"Hey, little baby!" You croon. "What's a sweet little kitty like you doing in a big scary castle?"
The kitten stops whimpering and shoots you a withering glare.
"I'd appreciate if you could refrain from the baby talk," the kitten says. "If you'd really like to make yourself useful, you could help me escape from this cell."
You consider his request.
[[Do you help?]]
[[Or keep walking?]]"Of course I'll help you!" You say. "A princess is a friend to all children and animals. What do I need to do to get you out?"
"It's pretty simple." The kitten tells you. "The cell isn't even locked, just latched close. Since I don't have opposable thumbs to open the latch, a lock would be pretty redundant."
"Oh," you say. "So I just have to open the latch? That's really easy!"
You open the latch on the cell and the kitten comes bounding out.
"Thanks for your help, Princess!" The kitten says. "To repay my debt, I'll help you escape the castle!"
Wait... there's [[something else]] tucked away back in that cell..."Sorry," you say. "But I'm a princess on a mission. I don't really have time for getting distracted by side quests. Maybe another time!"
You proceed [[down the hall.]]You round the corner and before you can react, an arrow pierces through the thin bodice of your dress, directly into your heart.
Before your eyelids droop closed, you briefly glimpse an archer lowering her bow at the other end of the hall.
<b>[[YOU DIED->died 2]]</b>You walk down the hall with Gilbert on your shoulder. You really feel like a princess now that you have a talking animal companion!
You follow the hall as it turns left. Faster than you can react, an arrow sails towards you. It bounces off the breastplate of your armor, leaving nothing more than a small dent behind. Once again, you thank the game developers for designing practical armor!
Looks like it's time to [[fight!]]+1 basic armor to inventory! Nice!
+1 broadsword to inventory! Cool!
How about you [[equip]] that armor?
<<audio inventory play>>
<<audio inventory play>>You change out of your dress into the armor.
Thank goodness this armor is more than the metal bikini women in games usually get. This actually protects your vital organs! What a concept!
You give the broadsword a few test swings. It's got a good balance to it. Bound to come in handy!
"What's your name?" You ask the kitten.
"Gilbert."
"Oh, nice to meet you! I'm Princess Violet." You reach out your hand and the kitten puts his paw on your palm. You shake hands.
"Wanna ride up here?" You ask, pointing to your shoulder.
"Sure!"
You place the kitten onto your armored shoulder and the two of you set out down the hall.
[[Awesome!]]Bummer. Clearly something went wrong earlier.
Luckily you can [[reload from your last save!->right]]
<<audio death play>>
<<audio mainsong stop>>You widen your stance and raise your sword.
The archer at the end of the hall raises her bow.
You take a few steps forward, preparing for combat.
"Oh my gosh!" The archer exclaims. "Is that a <i>kitten???</i>"
You stop, uncertain of what to do.
Do you [[fight]] or [[talk?]]
<<audio mainsong play>>Taking advantage of your opponent's distraction, you charge with your broadsword.
While her armor protects her from the sharpness of your blade, you hit her square in the chest hard enough to knock her over. While she's dazed and sprawled out on the floor, you take off her helmet and hit her over the head with the end of your sword. She slumps down, unconscious.
Well done!
[[Let's get a move on!]]"Yeah!" You say. "This is Gilbert!"
Obligingly, Gilbert hops off your shoulder. He approaches the archer and lets her scratch his chin.
"He's so cute! Is he yours?" She asks.
"Well no," You explain. "I just rescued him from a cell just a second ago."
She stops dead and looks up at you in disbelief.
"They were keeping a sweet little kitty locked up in this castle?"
"Well yeah." [[You say.]]You creep down the hall with your broadsword raised. Gilbert prowls slowly beside you, hackles raised.
As you get farther down the hall, you begin to hear intense, pounding music and a cackling laugh. Your heart leaps into your throat. This is it! [[The boss battle against the Lizard King!->boss battle 2]]
<<audio mainsong stop>>
<<audio bossbattle play>>"That's terrible!" She exclaims. "I can't support an institution that imprisons harmless little animals! I know it's my job to keep you locked up in here, but I think I'm going to help you escape!"
"Awesome!" You say. "I'm Princess Violet."
"I'm Alice. At your service, Your Highness!" She bows. When she rises she winks one of her wide, hazel eyes at you with a smirk. You feel your cheeks flush.
No time for that now, though. You've gotta [[keep going!]]The two of your creep down the hall together. Alice has her bow drawn and you hold your broadsword out in front of you. Gilbert prowls slowly beside you, hackles raised.
As you get farther down the hall, you begin to hear intense, pounding music and a cackling laugh. Your heart leaps into your throat. This is it! [[The boss battle against the Lizard King!]]
<<audio mainsong stop>>
<<audio bossbattle play>>You cautiously follow the sound of the muttering.
Slowly, you creep through the hall until you come across it: a cell, bars glowing with an eerie green light.
Inside is an old woman, head down muttering to herself.
"Excuse me, ma'am," you begin. "Are you alright?"
Her head snaps up.
"Thank goodness you've come along! They've locked me away in this cell and taken away my staff so I can't cast any spells to get out."
"Don't worry!" You tell her. [["I can help you!"]]No time to worry about anybody else in the castle, and anyone you encounter would likely only be trouble. You've got a mission. after all!
You proceed down the hall. Eventually, you come to a huge spiral staircase headed down. You were locked in a high tower, so you figure going down is the right idea.
You begin to bound down the stairs, but your foot falls through the stair as if it were made of air. You tumble to your death.
[[YOU DIED->another death]]Oh fiddlesticks!
Want to [[reload from your last save?->left.]]
<<audio death play>>
<<audio mainsong stop>>"Aren't you a sweet young lady!" Says the old woman. "My staff is just around the corner. I think the Lizard King put it just out of reach to annoy me."
"I'll be right back!" You assure her.
You peek around the corner. All clear! You dart out and grab the staff. It's surprisingly heavy, but you manage to drag it back to the old lady's cell.
"Here you are, ma'am," You say as you [[slip it through the bars.]]The old woman holds the staff in front of her with two hands, eyes closed and murmuring in what seems to be Latin. Suddenly, the staff glows bright blue and the bars to her cell crumble into dust. She steps over the debris and out into the hall, wiping a few specks off her skirt.
"Thank you for your help!" She exclaims. "I'm Heidi, the village witch. I was imprisoned for leading the resistance against the Lizard King."
"Pleased to meet you," You reply. [["I'm Princess Violet."]]The Lizard King rears up on his hind legs and lets out a roar that shakes the very walls of the castle. He's enormous. Much bigger than you anticipated.
You pull back your sword. Alice draws her bow. Gilbert hisses.
Together, [[you strike!]]
<<audio roar play>>The Lizard King rears up on his hind legs and lets out a tremendous roar that shakes the very walls of the castle. He's enormous. Much bigger than you anticipated.
You raise your sword. Gilber hisses.
Together, [[you strike!->strike2]]
<<audio roar play>>"What an honor, Your Majesty," Heidi says. "I've always admired your leadership. You're a fair and thoughtful ruler."
You smile warmly at her.
"Thank you." You say. "However, as much as I would like to discuss the intricacies of my foreign policy with you, we should probably get going. The Lizard King is bound to be around here somewhere."
You turn to head down the hall.
[["Wait!"]] Heidi says. You stop and turn back around.
<<audio mainsong play>>"If you're going to fight the Lizard King, don't you need a weapon?"
That's a fair point.
Before you can even answer, Heidi's staff glows once more and produces a [[mace and a basic set of armor.->armor]]
The arrow hits. Your sword connects. Gilbert gets in a solid bite on the Lizard King's foot.
His health bar drops just a fraction. Not surprsing. You didn't expect it to be easy.
The Lizard King spits acid, and you, Alice, and Gilbert barely manage to dodge. Collecting yourselves, you [[strike again!]]<i>CHING!</i> <i>CRASH!</i> <i>ROAR!</i> <i>BOOM!</i>
The battle rages on. You and Alice manage to dodge most of the Lizard King's attacks, but you grow wearier and wearier with each new assault.
But you're so close! His HP bar is flashing red! Just a few more blows! [[Don't give up now!]]You quickly change from your dress into the armor & pick up the mace.
Thankfully, Heidi knows better than to give you a metal bikini. This armor actually protects your vital organs!
Now you're ready for action!
You creep down the hall, mace held high over your right shoulder.
"Don't take the trick staircase!" Heidi warns you. "You'll fall to your death!"
"Oh, thanks for the tip!" You say. The staircase is to the left, so you go [[right->3]]You creep down the hall with your mace raised. Heidi walks a few paces behind, staff held aloft and glowing.
As you get farther down the hall, you begin to hear intense, pounding music and a cackling laugh. Your heart leaps into your throat. This is it! [[The boss battle against the Lizard King!->boss battle 3]]
<<audio mainsong stop>>
<<audio bossbattle play>><i>Wait...</i> You think, pausing just before you strike the final blow. You haven't heard the Lizard King's side of the story yet. You've always prided yourself on being a fair and equitable ruler. Who would you be if you didn't at least ask the Lizard King why he's doing what he does?
"Excuse me, Mr. Lizard King." You say. "Could I talk to you for a moment?"
The Lizard King whips his head around and stares at you with two glowing red eyes.
"[[Speak,]] human," He commands.
<<audio bossbattle play>>"Well, I was just wondering why you do all this. I mean, imprison me every game, lock up innocent civilians, try to kill Sir Geoffrey. You've gotta have a reason for all this, right?"
The Lizard King tilts his head and narrows his eyes at you. You brace yourself for the oncoming jet of acid to melt you into oblivion.
Instead, the Lizard King lowers his head and closes his eyes.
"I guess I'm just looking for meaning, [[you know?]]"He continues.
"I mean, I just wanted a reason to get up in the morning. So the developers told me to kidnap you and fight Sir Geoffrey. It made so much sense at the time. I had a part to play, I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself. It seemed like everything I needed. But when I really stop to think about it, I just feel empty. Unfulfilled. I think to myself 'Is this really all there is to life?' Kidnapping a princess and fighting her rescuer? There's gotta be more, right?"
"Well, [[Mr. Lizard King,]]" You begin."Please," He interrupts. "Mr. Lizard King was my father. Call me Liz."
"Okay, Liz," You say with a smile. "I think there is more to life than kidnapping princesses and fighting heroes. Personally, I find great fulfilment in ruling my kingdom. I'd be happy to teach you some principles of leadership to get you started, and then you'd have a whole nation depending on you. Wouldn't that give your life some meaning?"
Liz looks up at you with wide and hopeful eyes.
"I'd like that a lot," He says.
THE ENDYour sword connects. Gilbert gets in a solid bite on the Lizard King's foot.
His health bar drops just a fraction. Not surprising. You didn't expect it to be easy.
The Lizard King spits acid, and you and Gilbert barely manage to dodge. Collecting yourselves, you [[strike again!->again2]]<i>CHING!</i> <i>CRASH!</i> <i>ROAR!</i> <i>BOOM!</i>
The battle rages on. You and Gilbert manage to dodge most of the Lizard King's attacks, but you grow wearier and wearier with each new assault.
But you're so close! His HP bar is flashing red! Just a few more blows! [[Don't give up now!]]The Lizard King rears up on his hind legs and lets out a roar that shakes the very walls of the castle. He's enormous. Much bigger than you anticipated.
You pull back your mace. Heidi raises her staff.
Together, [[you strike!->strike3]]
<<audio roar play>>Your mace connects. Heidi shoots a jet of blue flame from her staff.
His health bar drops just a fraction. You're not surprised. You didn't expect it to be easy.
The Lizard King spits acid, and you and Heidi barely manage to dodge. Collecting yourselves, you [[strike again!->again3]]<i>CHING!</i> <i>CRASH!</i> <i>ROAR!</i> <i>BOOM!</i>
The battle rages on. You and Heidi manage to dodge most of the Lizard King's attacks, but you grow wearier and wearier with each new assault.
But you're so close! His HP bar is flashing red! Just a few more blows! [[Don't give up now!]]Alright, looks like you're gonna wait this one out. No shame in doing what's expected of you, right?
I suppose there's not much more for me to facilitate then, seeing as you'll just be waiting.
Sit tight, Princess. I'm sure Sir Geoffrey will come rescue you. Eventually.
THE END<<cacheaudio "bossbattle" "music/bossbattle.wav">>
<<cacheaudio "bossbattle2" "music/bossbattle.wav">>
<<cacheaudio "mainsong" "music/mainsong.wav">>
<<cacheaudio "mainsong2" "music/mainsong.wav">>
<<cacheaudio "roar" "music/roar.wav">>
<<cacheaudio "inventory" "music/inventory.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "death" "music/death.mp3">>
+1 mace to inventory! Yay!
+1 basic armor to inventory! Dope!
Want to [[equip->2]] them?
<<audio inventory play>>
<<audio inventory play>>