Okay, you're pretty sure you just stopped [[breathing]].So, maybe you don't really [[want to die->title]], after all. You imagined a sense of poetic fear in aging (one where stories unfurl from Grecian tribulations), but neither sleep apnea nor your waking life is sexy.
It's unclear whether any amount of [[sleep]] would promise some kind of refreshed and wild animalia, but it seems like a better bet than [[beginning the day]] now.In the grey-dark, you pat around the jersey sheets for the smooth feel of your [[phone->phone alarms]] (you're reminded your similarities as both being prosthetic creatures of habit).But, it's probably getting close to when your alarm would go off anyways, and among your long list of least favorite sounds, every alarm tone that Android offers has a space on the list.
(Even though, a month ago, you generated [[a few separate ones->phone alarms]], each with well-wishings from you to yourself)
Plus, you remember an article you read on a website you'd never tell anyone that you visited titled something like [["The Shocking Reason Snoozing That Alarm Makes You Even More Tired!"->snooze article]] so you heed the ghost author of Pop Psychology, and [[amble your legs]] over the mattress' side.Those stolen minutes — as delicious as they seem — aren’t worth it. (Trust us.)
What you do: The amount of sleep you get never feels like enough, so you use your snooze button to tack on an extra 10, 20, 30 minutes... whatever you can squeeze in.
What you’re doing, according to those who are extremely in-the-know: “Drockling” is the old, official term for dipping in and out of sleep in the early morning, according to Mary A. Carskadon, PhD, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, who was previously the editor of an encyclopedia on sleep and dreaming. She says that this term was coined by sleep scientists in the 1970s but has since fallen out of use (until now, because we’re going to start using it: “I was home when you called but I was too busy drockling to pick up the phone”).
Why this can feel so good: Your body has several mechanisms to prepare you to wake up and get moving. One of these is turning up your core temperature, which makes you feel more alert and less sleepy. This starts about two hours before the body feels ready to wake up, says Rafael Pelayo, MD, a sleep specialist at the Stanford University Sleep Medicine Center. If you’re not getting enough sleep, your alarm clock is going off while your temp is still in the deep-sleep range. The air in your bedroom feels punishingly cold; your bed feels cozier than ever.
Why snoozing can be bad for you now: Like we said, the body needs some time to get you ready to wake up. When you let yourself go back to sleep, your body thinks, “False alarm! I guess I didn’t need to do anything, because we’re not getting up after all,” and settles in. When that buzzer goes off a second time, Pelayo says that your body and brain are taken by surprise, resulting in that groggy, fuzzy-headed feeling called sleep inertia. The more you snooze, the more confused your body and brain get (“So are we going back to sleep or not?!”), so you’ll probably feel more out of it even though you actually spent extra time in bed. What’s more, this type of sleep inertia can persist for up to two to four hours, research has found.
Why snoozing can be bad for you later: You’re throwing off your internal clock by getting up at 7:00 one day and 7:30 the next. And if you’re not waking up at the same time every day, your body doesn’t know when to start feeling sleepy, either, making you more likely to push your bedtime later and further deprive yourself of rest.
What you should do instead: Pelayo recommends setting your alarm for the time you have to get up and then actually get up when it goes off, every day at the same time. Eventually, this consistency may help you feel naturally sleepy at the end of your day, so you’ll feel compelled to go to bed when your body needs to, and then wake up without the need for an alarm.
[[Close the article->amble your legs]]
As your toes hit the carpet, the genealogy of your stress-strained muscles makes itself known.
But maybe today will be one less ring in the tree, as long as you put your cognition on hold and go straight to your [[rituals-->wellnessdances]].
You have to pray for repetition now that motivation is all but gone.
Already the daily fear is here: how can I slash through this same brushy path one more day when I know nothing lies on the other side: how can I create things for someone else just to [[make enough money to survive->disappointment]] when my survival feels like anything but?It is 5:43 AM.
You have to leave for the train to work by 8 AM.
[[7:50 AM - HELP ME GOD->750]]
[[6:02 AM - Sip iced coffee and love yourself!->602]]
[[6:45 AM - You still have lots of time, it's okay!->645]]When things started getting bad, you went to ritual first: spreading apart the bookends of time in the morning to crawl inside and hide, making space for yourself with things that were mundane but did not hurt: crosswords, pre-made iced coffee, some stretching.
Today is [[not->overslept]] one of those days.
You're now the age where no one says "but you're still so [[young!->hope]]"
Given the recent months of tarnished expectations (read as: continuing to fuck up beyond all repair) of your self, you fear 6:02 is an unattainable goal that will simply leave you feeling more ashamed than you already did when you (almost certainly) sleep past it.
6:45 it is, [[I guess->Iguess]].In the quiet, you can hear your arteries twitching like a clock, counting the seconds for you against your will and out loud.
It's probably 7:25 or so and it's difficult to know whether this anxious half-hour demands [[more rest->oversleep]] or a [[frenzied erasure->wakepanic]] by slingshotting into wakefulness.You've spoken to the priests and physicians, and tried to exorcise the sadness with pills and plans: ritualized [[wellness dances->wellnessdances]] have provided little recourse.
You went to sleep at 10:00 PM and have awoken with the lungs of a man watching a semi hurtling towards him.
Despite this, you have hope; perhaps because you are so afraid of death, you opt for imagining a [[future body->futurebody]] with less pain.
10 mg of Melatonin one hour before bed
200 mg of Kava Kava extract occaissionally
30 minutes of calisthenics every day
Journal-writing
Various forms of meditation
Morning stretching (sometimes yoga)
Tea more often than coffee
Cut down on alcohol
Rarley smoke tobacco
>20 psychotherapists in 10 years
300 mg gapapentin
There are more, but you're not going to find the rational answer [[right now->futurebody]] through some kind of self-accounting torture.You keep a vision of your bettered self like a sub-sweater locket that you only refer to in the most dire of sitatuations.
You set the alarm for a [[reasonable hour->snooze]], and with more sleep and a positive outlook, you feel confident you might get closer to attaining that imaginary life.A soft chime comes from under the pillow, especially unwelcome in the lack of sleep preceding it.
You want a beautiful morning, like how you used to have them (or how you remember them being), but this is not that morning. That disappointment in itself demands one more attempt at rest--
--you reach under the pillow and expertly click the right button of the phone, [[disabling it->Iguess]] until 6:45.But under the layers of sheets, you remain, half-naked and [[fully undone->panicattack]].The attempted slumber is really just an empty room full of tangled limbs who ache with the [[passing of time->sadwakeup]].Getting past denial is the first step to recovery,
wake up,
feel the sweat between your feet and the carpet,
crack your neck and try to [[make something->amble your legs]] of yourself.You'd actually rather [[kill yourself->depression]] than go to work today.<div align="center">
<font size="20px">SUDDENLY</font>
<font color="red">Doom physicalizes,</font> no time to sentences get all /
and sort of when--I can't let it get this bad again
this soon
I
just need to find the [[medicine]] JUST GET TO THE kit
chen
it will be okay I am bigger than this
(just breathe, a voice says)
</div>Who said that?
I am capable, I am mud and electricity, I have special powers.
I am not afraid.
(But you are so fucking [[afraid->panicattack]] [of something])You WHACK your hip into the stove, dumbly flicking open the cabinet above in desparation--
grab the orange bottle------
it's so light it's-----
[[empty->refill]] Where is your phone?
Good, it's in your hand, now *focus* on opening the Walgreens app to see if you have any refills ready.
You try to slide the lock screen pattern but the clammy digits keep slipping, sending the phone [[skidding across the tile->fullswing]] (and you're next).
1) The depth perception warps
2) The colors turn to sounds
3) The limbs go limp
4) You say the mantra
"It's not a [[heart attack->continuedpanicattack]], I'm not dying."This time is bad, this time is really bad--
This time it feels different--
This time you might die.
The fear of the [[fear->worry]] inflates the diaphgragm, [[punches you with doom->symptoms]], tells you [["nothing will work"->cures]] this time.<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:16px">
<B>APA and DSM: Diagnosing a Panic Attack</b>
To meet the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,Fifth Edition (DSM-5) [1] criteria for panic disorder, panic attacks must be associated with longer than 1 month of subsequent persistent worry about: (1) having another attack or consequences of the attack, or (2) significant maladaptive behavioral changes related to the attack. To make the diagnosis of panic disorder, panic attacks cannot directly or physiologically result from substance use (intoxication or withdrawal), medical conditions, or another psychiatric disorder. Other symptoms or signs may include headache, cold hands, diarrhea, insomnia, fatigue, intrusive thoughts, and ruminations.
<B>If your symptoms persist longer than a few minutes and continue to be severe, please [[seek emergency care->cures]] immediately,</b>
or, go fuck yourself. Whichever comes first.
</p></td></tr></table><div align="center">www.calmclinic.com</div>
<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:16px">
While adrenaline released during an anxiety attack contributes to some of those as well, it's hyperventilation that appears to have the strongest effect on your physical symptoms.
So when you're feeling "panicky," you should start by controlling your breathing. Fight the urge to take deep breaths or expand your chest (many people try to force a yawn, and panic more when they cannot - since breathing in more oxygen doesn't help, this is counterproductive anyway). Instead, take very slow, controlled breaths. Try to breathe in for 5 to 6 seconds, hold for 2 to 3 seconds, then breathe out for 7 to 9 seconds.This will help you regain some of your carbon dioxide.
It's unlikely to [[stop the attack->fail1]], but it should make the attack less severe overall.
</p></td></tr></table>*You should have listened to your parents less.
*You should have worked harder.
*You should have accomplished more.
*You should not feel so awful.
*You should go to work.
*You should [[stop->symptoms]] making this harder on yourself than it has to be.
You try to organize your body into pieces that are legible, like a [[story->fail2]] you would tell. A person who feels ill, a person who pays their taxes, a person who works, a person with body with delusions that their body parts are [[failing->lateforwork]] them. Due to your flailing about, you're now [[late]] for work, again.
Your physicalized panic and cognitive dread tell you that you might be [[more than late->absent]].You are an animal, you need water.
You are an animal, you have legs to walk to get it.
You are an animal, and your vision starts going white,
You are an animal, and feel the fear tickle your fingertips,
A sting in the back, a [[heart like a water balloon->panicattack]] spent on wet grass, sputtering out, rubbery--In fear of your boss rather than hope of wellness, you pull out your phone to text her:
<p style="font-family:arial;background-color:cream;font-color:black">
Hi Jen!
Just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm running a little behind due to some personal stuff this morning. Hopefully I won't be too late, but wanted to let you know.
So sorry for any inconvenience and I hope you have an awesome morning!
</p>
Today is not a die for tying shoes, it looks like. Slip-ons, it is. Let's get [[out of here->leave]] and maybe the walk will be refreshing.
God, how many days have you missed at this job? You can't afford to lose another. Can they [[fire you->guidelines]] for that?
You start writing out the embarrassing [[email]] in your mind.You become a fleshy accordian attempting to descend the stairs down to the sidewalk, and can feel the ants in your chest begin gnawing again.
Please don't make me be [[absent]], me.
You slump at the last step to rest for a moment, continually checking for a text back from your boss (who must have seen the text by now, right?)<div align="center">Google: "ADA mental health absence"
https://www.eeoc.gov/policy
/docs/psych.html</div>
<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:16px">
<b>Equal Employment Opportunity Commission of the Americans With Disabilities Act</b>
<b>Managing treatment and medication:</b> Flexible schedule to allow for appointments; more frequent breaks for medication; allow for use of water bottle during worktimes; part-time schedule until medication plan stabilizes.
<b>Anxiety:</b> Use of white noise ear phones; attend meetings remotely; work from home part-or full- time; exchange non-essential job tasks with another employee; change in management style of supervisor.
<b>About work-leave.</b> A leave of absence is sometimes needed as an accommodation. But work-leave should be the accommodation of last resort. Whenever possible, workers with psychiatric disabilities should stay engaged in their jobs as much as possible.
<b>Code of conduct.</b> <font color="red">Employers aren’t required to change a code of ethics or conduct in order to accommodate a worker with a psychiatric disability.</font> But this code must be fairly and uniformly applied and cannot be applied differently to workers with psychiatric disabilities than to other workers.
<b>Supervision.</b> Sometimes, workers with psychiatric disabilities ask to be given a different supervisor as an accommodation. Generally, employers are not required to change the supervisor in order to accommodate a worker with a psychiatric (or any other) disability. But employers can be required to change a supervisor’s leadership practices as an accommodation. For example, a worker who has concentration issues might need a more structured supervisory style that involves more task reminders.
</p>
</td></tr></table>
<div align="center">[[close tab->absent]]</div>How much emotional labor do you owe someone in compensation for physical labor you are unable to perform?
<table><tr><td style="background-color:grey"><p style="font-family:helvetica;align:left">New Message</p></td><td width="100px" style="background-color:grey"><p style="font-family:helvetica;align:right">___ (__) X</p></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2"><p style="font-family:helvetica;font-color:black">To </p></td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2"><p style="font-family:helvetica;">From</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan="2"><p style="font-family:helvetica;">Today's Absence</td></tr>
<tr><td height="200 px" colspan="2">
<p style="font-family:helvetica;">
Hi Jen,
I hope that you got my message earlier. I'm so sorry to have to do this, but I'm simply not physically well enough to come in today. I know that I have missed work in the past for similar reasons, and I apologize that it has become such a habit.
I appreciate what you have done for me and this company, and hope to not detract from the hard work of you or any of the other employees.
All of my best,
</p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
[[Send->sendemail]]You've sent the email but the obligation architecture remains, even in your home, even in your bruised legs.
You work on [[filling your prescription->fillscrip]] to prove to yourself that you're working on healing.You flick around your phone, searching for the Walgreens app:
<div align="center">
<table><tr><td style="background-color:lightblue"><p style="font-family:helvetica">Select Prescription</td></tr><tr><td style="height:100px"><p style="font-family:helvetica"><B>GABAPENTIN 300 MG CAPSULES<B>
Last Filled: 11/11/17
Refills Left: 1 until 12/12/17
Prescriber: Van Noy</td></tr><tr><td style="background-color:lightblue">[[Refill Now->button]]</p></td></tr></table></div>You flick around your phone, searching for the Walgreens app:
<div align="center">
<table><tr><td style="background-color:lightblue"><p style="font-family:helvetica">Select Prescription</td></tr><tr><td style="height:100px"><p style="font-family:helvetica"><B>GABAPENTIN 300 MG CAPSULES</B>
<font color="red">ERROR</FONT>
We're sorry, but it appears that you have not updated your insurance information with us and we are unable to process you're request.
Please contact your [[insurance provider->insurance]] or call us 1-800-FUC-KYOU.</td></tr><tr><td style="background-color:lightblue"><p style="font-family:Helvetica">Walgreens: Be Happy, Be Healthy!</p></td></tr></table></div>You flick around your phone, searching for the Walgreens app:
<div align="center">
<table><tr><td style="background-color:lightblue"><p style="font-family:helvetica">Select Prescription</td></tr><tr><td style="height:100px"><p style="font-family:helvetica"><B>GABAPENTIN 300 MG CAPSULES</B>
<font color="red">ERROR</FONT>
Unfortunately, it looks like your insurance provider does not update information through our app. Please contact your insurance provider for more information.</td></tr><tr><td style="background-color:lightblue"><p style="font-family:Helvetica">[[Close App->text]]</p></td></tr></table></div>When you feel your phone's vibration, your feel the electric anxiety race up through your temples.
<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial">
Hi . Sry to hear not well but we need u hear and this is [[becoming unacceptable->missed]]. Company will require [[doctors note->doctorsnote]] from today
</p></td></tr></table>1) Because stayed up for four days straight with insomnia
2) Because couldn't stop vomiting (doctor said it was just "stress")
3) Don't even remember the third time
4) Now? How can I [[prove->proof]] it's this bad?You're not sure how you're going to get there, but you know you cannot afford to miss another day of work, and the clock is ticking: [[offices close->googlewalkin]] at 5, right?You wonder how, now, without proper insurance or ability to drive a vehicle, will you be able to go to a doctor's office to prove your state of suffering--to make it [[legible->doctorsnote]] to your financial intercessors. You wish you could read it, too, but all of the paperwork so far has done nothing. Let's [[add another->meanboss]] one to the pile.
You know you don't want to [[inconvenience anyone->expect]] by your absence, but you're finding it [[increasingly difficult->cry]] to squeeze yourself into checkable boxes.
How do you transcend from the cycle of disappointing yourself and others? The snide looks your boss gives you as she passes your cubicle makes you want to weep.Who gets blamed--do we need to blame someone? Who [[gets extricated of their shame->doctorsnote]]? It's never the system that fails, it's you who fails inside of it.<p style="font-size:20px">WHY ARE YOU CRYING THERE IS [[NO TIME->expect]] FOR THIS</P><div align="center">Google: "walk in clinic near me no insurance"</div>
<p style="font-family:arial">
Progressive® Insurance Quotes - Named #1 Insurance Website
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[[Swedish Covenant Immediate Care - 4.2 mi->findwalkin]]
Urgent care center
2019 W Irving Park Rd · (773) 293-8787
[[Rush Walk-In Care Center at Lincoln Park - 1.3 mi->closedwalkin]]
No reviews · Walk-In Clinic
2835 N Sheffield Ave Suite 104 · (773) 472-3704
Closed nowOkay, you can't walk that far, and you probably can't make it to the train.
Let's [[order an Uber]].
There's a tabletop fountain in the corner of the waiting room that looks like the one your mom got you from Target a few years back to try to "help you calm down."
There are no magazines, just wall-mounted flat screens playing HGTV, and somewhat attractive wholesale chairs with faux leather cushions.
You approach the [[plexiglass receptionist desk]] with some caution, eyeing to see if you're following the unlisted rules.You return to your moderately comfortable chair with the same set of forms you've seen 1,000 times, and will likely see 1,000 times more:
[[NEW PATIENT INTAKE->personalinfo]]
[[MEDICAL HISTORY->medicalhistory]]
[[REASON FOR VISIT->reasonforvisit]]
[[CLINIC PRIVACY POLICY->privacypolicy]]<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Have you ever had any of the following conditions? Please check yes or no.
Asthma attack?
[[YES->condition2]] or [[NO->condition2]]
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to another form instead->getformstack]]They want to know why you're here today so that they can read you instead of hear you. They want it in writing so that there is proof. Many of these forms are processed by other, extra-governmental agencies, and/or exist for auditing purposes. Others are for the machinery of the office to function swiftly like gears, where you simply slip in and out in a well-oiled fashion.
Are you here today because you feel sick? No, you're here today because you need to prove your sickness, and are afraid to check certain boxes, for fear that extra costs will accrue down the line.
Your experiences are enough to be called "symptoms" and enough of those are called a "diagnoses" but that serves the body of the social more than you, probably. That beast demands one reality for which all of its organs must abide, and these papers are the rulebooks: who gets what exceptions and when[[.->finishforms]]
You might be able to harm your body more than you feel that it harms you, but you can never remove yourself from the social body.
<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:10px;text-shadow:0px">Privacy Statement
Kitsap Mental Health Services' privacy policy addresses the collection, use, and disclosure of information about clients to the extent necessary to provide services while maintaining reasonable safeguards to protect the integrity and confidentiality of the information consistent with the requirements of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 and the federal regulations implementing the Act (collectively referred to as "HIPAA"), as well as other applicable federal and state laws and regulations.
KMHS Will Safeguard Confidential Information About Clients
KMHS is a community mental health center that provides a wide range of programs, services and activities. KMHS may obtain, collect, maintain, use, transmit, share and/or disclose information about clients in the administration of its programs, services and activities, and as necessary to assist clients in accessing and receiving services. KMHS will safeguard confidential information about clients, inform clients about the agency’s privacy practices and respect client privacy rights.
Minimum Necessary Access, Use & Disclosure
KMHS will use or disclose only the minimum amount of information necessary to provide services to clients. KMHS staff work in clinical teams and team members may, in the course of their job duties, need to use/disclose information on a variety of clients. This will only be done in the course of providing services to a client and only those staff members needing to use and disclose a particular client’s information will have access to that information. Staff groups, such as Facilities, Human Resources, Accounting, Support Services, and Information Systems will only have access to client information necessary to carry out the duties of their job.<font color="red">Please note that to finish these forms, you must click the final period on the second-to-last paragraph of the third form</font>
KMHS Notice of Privacy Practices
KMHS will inform clients about the agency’s privacy practices. Staff will provide a copy of the Notice of Privacy Practices to all clients at the time of their intake assessment or first service and to any person who requests information on KMHS privacy practices. The client will acknowledge receipt in writing by signing the Consents Form signature sheet. The KMHS Notice of Privacy Practices shall contain all information required under federal regulations.
Client Privacy Rights
The HIPAA Privacy Rules, as well as other federal and state laws and regulations, describe specific actions that a client can take or request to be taken with regard to the uses and disclosures of their information.
</td></tr></table>
[[Flip through pages->getformstack]] You collect your organized self and take it up to the [[counter->wait]].<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:10px">
<b>NEW PATIENT INTAKE FORM A-201</b>
Please print legibly and answer all information correctly, otherwise your form may not be able to be processed and your visit might be delayed. Thank you.
Name: ____________________________________________________
Address: ____________________________________________________________________
Phone: (w) __________________________ (h) _________________________
(c) ________________________
DOB: _________________________ Age: ______________
SS no.: ___________________________________
Emergency contact: ___________________________________________________
Relationship to patient: ________________________________
Phone: _________________________________
[[Insurance information->insurancelookup]]:
Provider:_________________________________________________
Group #:_____________________________________________
ID #:______________________________________________
Address:___________________________________
</td></tr></table>
[[Look at another form->getformstack]]Fuck, that's right, your insurance changed, or something, according to the Walgreens app. You search through your email to find your new insurance card and [[scribble in the information->personalinfo]], hoping for the best (or, at least, not the absolute worst). You can pay for this without it, but you also would probably be not eating this week.It's already after 2PM, and you wish you didn't notice that.
<img src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d3/70/9a/d3709ac44840a65278b12eb0f31d96ad.jpg">
Instead, you wished you noticed the sound of water flowing smoothly more often. It's an alright fountain.
The doctor's [[definitely->doctorlate]] late by now.You want to be free to suffer on your own terms.
This is not a place of healing, it's a place of organizaiton.
You want to know why the doctor is late to make sense of the disproportionate endeavors of lengthily loafing about and then being treated with such blind efficacy once you're with the doctor that you're unable to even build a memory of what just happened to you.
You're already [[moving towards the desk again->receptionist]].
It's clear that you've not made a friend. Before you even reach the desk, the receptionist flatly calls out:
"The doctor will be with you as soon as she is able."
What's more distracting, going to [[see if there's any nice lotion in the bathroom->gobathroom]] or guessing how much [[apartments you can't afford cost->magazine]]?You've always found single-person public bathrooms so peaceful because even if they're intended to be sterile and non-descript, they each have little kitsch elements that speak to the business who runs them--and no one can disturb you from admiring them in silence, with no other expectations.
Suddenly, you hear [[your name->callname]].
A twenty-something boy is scratching his five o'clock shadow, mouthing something while rolling his eyes. The captions are off-time, but he apparently acquired his first million dollars from building an app that matches people based on mutual dislikes, or something.
Is that [[your name->callname]] being called?The doctor has a floating gait, appearing transcendent above the wasted inkjet pages and immanent bullshit et al.
As you follow the trail she draws with her clogs, she apologizes for the red tape.
You immediately forgive her, parroting your [[medical history->medicalhistory]] and [[reason for visit->reasonforvisit]] and [[forgetting what you're even talking about anymore->doctorcontinued]].
And when you hop off the paper-covered seat, she tells you
"The girls up front can give you a [[note]] that you were present, but there's not really [[anything else->nothingelse]] we say on those, especially if you're a new patient. I'm not sure what your employer wants..."
The curly hair bobs with the movement of the pen.
They're out of all of the dum-dums except for [[the kind you hate->suckers]].<p style="font-size:20px">[[WHICH BATTLES AM I FIGHTING AND FOR WHOM? HOW DO YOU MOVE BETWEEN ACCOUNTABILITY AND FASCISM? WHERE IS THE NUANCE?->note]]</p>The brown hair says that your debit card [[didn't go through->payment]].
You pull out your phone again (this time rote and mechanical and unsurprised) to view your [[bank account->bankaccount]], just as sure that you're [[everything is fine and she is mistaken->paidit]] as you are that everything is undoubtedly collapsing some clandestine way totally beyond your control.<table><tr><td height="300px"><div align="center"><b>LOCAL CREDIT UNION APP</b>
Account statement ending in ..............8022
316.04
[[Close App->payment]]You call the customer service line, but it's apparently [[incorrect->transfer]].You need a [[change of address form->changeofaddress]], apparently. But you're not even sure if you have [[all of your state documents handy->donthaveproof2]] and you definitely didn't lug a file cabinet to the doctors' office, unfortunately.
ACCEPTABLE DOCUMENTS MUST INCLUDE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING:
Computer Generated Bill (utility, credit card, doctor, hospital, etc.)
Bank Statement
Pre-Printed Pay Stub
First-Class Mail (government agency or court)
Current Homeowner’s, Renter’s, or Motor Vehicle Insurance Policy
Mortgage, Lease, or Rental Contract
Transcript or Report Card from an Accredited School
Motor Vehicle Registration
USPS Change Of Address Form (CNL107) W-2, SSA-1099, Non-SSA-1099
DD214
Postmarked first-class mail
[[Tell them you have no other form of payment, and asked to be billed.->donthaveproof2]]Moving through the sliding glass, the mint square with the doctoral autograph flits into the wind.
You reach for it and [[/slip/->snow]] on the water that had frozen as the winter sun began to set during your time spent inside<img src="https://i.giphy.com/media/AUBbEex2NcNr2/giphy.webp">
Your father used to say
that his father used to say
"[[Don't fight the river->continues]]"
Is your frustration [[righteous->badluck]] or [[selfish->fate]]?Your suffering is inarguably [[aggrandized->behappy]] by the maze.
Is this what it means [[to be human->humanrace]]?
We are mortal and in between simian and cyborg;
But I just feel so sensitive to the theatre of it all.
I just want to be marginally [[content->behappy]].Shock begins to crawl over your cranium cradled on the cement.
The snow begins to fall more gently.
<img src="https://i.giphy.com/media/26uf4JMeuLpt0gpwY/giphy.webp">
The growing whiteness suddenly less frightening.
<div align="center">[ [[YOU HEAR A VOICE WITH NO WORDS->speakstoyou]] ]</div>
Neither this body nor the social one has served you, but you imagine you are not alone. You know suffering is truth, but are so blinded by organzing its [[moderation->behappy]].it is
<div align="center">
mechanical and organic
immanent and transcendent
human and unhuman
afraid and hopeful
embodied and bodiless
[[self and other->fitintocategories]]
</div>As the light fills your eyes, you forget what colors look like. You have secrets of self to hold that protect you. You begin to [[imagine]] a way out.<div align="center"><p style="font-family:didot, times, serif; font-style:oblique; font-size:24px;">
It whispers to you that you were born into an army,
conscripted by your warring cognitive meat vehicle,
to chart a course not above, but through.
It tells you of Pyrrhonism's use of ataraxia,
and how the dead scholars spoke of suspending ethics
to reach a state of sublimely grounded equanimity.
Later, the term was used as mental weaponry
for dissenting American soldiers entering
the bloody mud of Vietnam.</p>
Increasingly detached from your bodily state, you drift into a [[peaceful confusion->pray]].
As you attempt to come back to this dimension, you realize you've been transported back into your bed, once more.
No bracelet or other stigmata to gauge when or how.
But the [[suspension of analysis->morehope]], even if temporarily, sends a slow warmth across your limbs.
You close your eyes and visualize a Xanadu of moderated pains and pleasures, where health isn't monopolized, organized, commodified--
And, somehow, you begin to [[drift off to sleep-->nervoussleep]]. Another day closed without your death.
<div align="center">
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/uF3dpHH.gif">
<p style="font-family:times, serif; font-size:24px; font-style:oblique">[[Let Yourself Be In Flux, Breathe->apnea]]</p></div>Double-click this passage to edit it.[[<--- ->googlewalkin]]
Didn't you see that this is closed today? Get your shit together. Ahmed 4.3 Stars Black Honda Accord
<img src="https://thumbs.gfycat.com/DistortedGrimyCoral-max-1mb.gif">
You've arrived at your [[destination->arriveatdoctor]] !
Don't forget to tip your driver!You never know if these people prefer you be [[engaging->receptionistengage]] as a sign of politeness or if it would be more polite to keep your inquiries [[succinct->receptionistsuccinct]] for expediency sake. You decide to put on the dress of "high-functioning" and smile sweetly, greeting the curly-haired smock-wearer leaning into a landline headset. She eyes you with blank intensity, mouth unmoving.
She slides over a [[clipboard->getformstack]] and shakes her head as though to indicate your rudeness."I'm a new patient here to see the doctor," you say.
The receptionist looks up at you and back down at her keyboard, "Well, hello to you, too. Here, [[take these->getformstack]] if you're in such a hurry."<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Have you ever had any of the following conditions? Please check yes or no.
Heart failure?
[[YES->condition3]] or [[NO->condition3]]
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to another form instead->getformstack]]<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Have you ever had any of the following conditions? Please check yes or no.
A mental episode that left you hospitalized?
[[YES->condition4]] or [[NO->condition4]]
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to another form instead->getformstack]]<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Have you ever had any of the following conditions? Please check yes or no.
Thought you were a ghost?
[[YES->condition6]] or [[NO->condition6]]
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to another form instead->getformstack]]<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Have you ever had any of the following conditions? Please check yes or no.
Been totally grossed out by adults who drink apple juice?
[[YES->condition7]] or [[NO->condition7]]
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to another form instead->getformstack]]<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Have you ever had any of the following conditions? Please check yes or no.
Peed in a bathroom?
[[YES->condition8]] or [[NO->condition8]]
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to another form instead->getformstack]]<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Did you answer YES to one or more questions?
[[YES->finalmedical]] or [[NO->finalmedical]]
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to another form instead->getformstack]]<table><tr><td><p style="font-family:arial;font-size:12px">
MEDICAL HISTORY
Thank you, we were just curious because we were hoping it wasn't just us.
Please be prepared to repeat all of this information to your doctor.
</td></tr></table>
[[Go to reason for visit form->reasonforvisit]]<div align="center" width="max"><p style="font-family:times, serif; font-style:oblique; font-size: 28px">[[Ataraxia->want to die]]</p><p style="font-family:times, serif; font-style:oblique; font-size: 18px">by Lindsey Scott</p>