Today is your first day on the job at the Queencast Detective Agency! You were recently hired as a sleuth by The Queencast, because they needed a new detective and you hit all the right notes during your interview- or more specifically, you said "sometimes I like to just chill and have a good conversation with a friend while we eat Taco Bell and watch cowboy movies. Oh and I love impulsively buying weird things on eBay." Alex, Debra, Soha and Michael were all in the room to hear this and thought you were pretty much the only candidate worth hiring (you suspect that you were also the only one that applied, but you can't be sure).
Soha steps forward to greet you as you walk in the front door, with Alex, Debra, and Michael standing behind her. "Welcome back to the Queencast Detective Agency!" As she exclaims this, the others let out a loud and out of tune "whoooo!"
"It's me, Detective Soha, and I'm happy you'll be joining our team of Ace Investigators!"
You start to ask if those are three separate things, or if she just put the verbal commas in weird places, but decide to err on the side of making a good first impression.
"Great, thanks for hiring me!" You exclaim excitedly. "I gotta admit, I'm a little nervous. I've been a big fan of your show from way back when you were recording in Michael's house, so to join your group now that you're all full blown detectives AND superstar podcasters, it's...it's a dream come true!"
"Now now," Alex pipes in, smiling. "Flattery will get you nowhere."
"Yeah, but you better keep it up ROOKIE," Soha says with a seriousness that you find slightly alarming. "Anyway, I'm going to have Michael show you to your office so that you can get situated. After that, come find one of us so we can show you how we do things around here."
"Lead the way!" you tell Michael as he leads the way.
[[Follow Michael to your office]]
"Actually," you say, "I think I've changed my mind, I'd like to follow Soha around today. Nothing personal, Michael. I'm sure you don't have a Matt Lauer button. But I haven't eaten anything today myself, and I do need to eat something so that I can make an Instagram story out of it. I kind of have a lot of Instagram followers, you know."
Michael looks annoyed for a second, but then shrugs and walks out of the room.
When he's gone, Soha walks over to your desk and pulls something out of one of the drawers.
"Haha check it out, I totally did steal his dumb toy." She hands you what appears to be a Barbie doll, and you look it over. It has 'Inspiring Women Collection' written in fancy scroll on the front, and it looks very expensive and collectible. You notice it's a Barbie of Frida Kahlo, the renowned Mexican artist and activist.
"That's hilarious, but why did you take it?" You ask, still inspecting the Barbie.
"I'll show you! Brb!" Soha runs out of the room, then returns a few seconds later with Michael.
"Look! The Rookie has your Barbie! The Rookie took it!" Soha points to you, still holding the dumb toy.
"Wait!" You protest. "But I didn't-"
"Bad form, Rookie," Michael says, snatching the doll away from you. "I'm afraid we can't have a criminal working alongside us here at the Agency. And you made such a good first impression, too. What a shame. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"What the fuck?" You ask angrily. "Are you people nuts?"
"Thank you for solving this mystery after all, Soha. I'm sorry I doubted you, and the way you solved this mystery was just amazing, as usual. You're an excellent detective, detective." Michael shakes Soha's hand. "Could you please show this Rookie to the door? I feel sickened by the mere sight of this thief. We're finished here. We're D'onion rings."
"Gladly," Soha grins, grabbing you by the arm and rushing you to the front door.
"What the hell is going on here???" You ask again, still angry.
"Ohhhh Rookie," Soha says diabolically, pushing you out the front door. "You really fucked this up. For you see, there's only room for one famous Instagrammer in this agency, and it ain't gonna be you. A Rookie detective, AND a famous Instagrammer? You're a threat, rookie. And to think, I took the doll originally so that I could let you 'solve the case' with it, and make you look good. But it's too late now."
You try to get a word in edge-wise, but it's no use. Soha has already pushed you out to the parking lot with your belongings, and has already shut and locked the door behind her. As you turn and look one last time before getting into your car, you notice she has turned the 'OPEN' sign in the window to 'CLOSED.'
"Ugh. God save the Queencast my ass," you mutter under your breath as you drive away.
THE END
"I think I'll be fine, Soha. He looks too dumb to be crazy. Or dangerous."
"Wow you really are a rookie," Soha says as she exits.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Michael says insincerely. "Anyway, you're just in time. Have I got a great first-day-on-the-job mystery for ya! I'm calling it The Case of the Freed Frida. You really have your work cut out for you, because this one goes allll the way to the top."
You suddenly find yourself thinking that this seems like kind of a lame mystery with an even worse name. But since it's your first day on the job, you decide to keep your opinion to yourself for the time being, and see where this mystery goes. Maybe it's not as bad as it sounds.
[[Follow Michael into his office]]
You follow Michael into his office and look around for a second, taking in your surroundings. The first thing you notice is how small and narrow his office is. The second thing you notice is the mop bucket on the floor (with mop included). And then you notice the vacuum cleaner in the corner and a shelf on the wall, stocked with bottles of Lysol all purpose cleaner, Febreeze, Resolve, and a stack of magic erasers. That's when you realize that Michael wasn't joking, his office really IS the cleaning closet. And THAT is when you think back to your own beautiful new office...You wonder if Michael voluntarily moved out of his office, or if he got kicked out of it to make room for you.
But before you can finish that thought, you notice two brand new in-box Barbie dolls, each in its own plastic display case, hanging on the wall by the broom. They both have 'Inspiring Women Collection' written in fancy scroll on the front, and they look very expensive and collectible. There are two displayed: One is Amelia Earhart, the first female aviator to fly across the Atlantic Ocean; and the other is Katherine Johnson, a pioneer in mathematics who broke barriers of race and gender.
Your gaze then falls upon the conspicuous doll-sized vacancy in the middle of the two Barbies you just inspected, and you assume that's where the missing Barbie that Michael mentioned ealier might have been hanging.
As you think about this mystery, you move the broom out of the way to get a closer look at the two Barbies that remain. You suddenly feel compelled to take one of them from the wall to inspect it.
[[Pull a Barbie from the wall to inspect it]]
[[Resist the urge to pull a Barbie from the wall and inspect it]] Deciding that due dilligence requires you to remove one of the Barbies from the wall to look at the back of the packaging, you remove one of the Barbies from the wall to look at the back of the packaging.
"Rookie, no! What are you doing???" Michael scrambles to the door as it slams shut with a loud bang. You then hear the sound of multiple locks clicking into place as you watch Michael's face get that look that you like to call, roughly, "my fucking keys are in the ignition and I'm looking at them and my door is locked and my phone is dead and my jacket is in the car and it's fucking snowing." You used to just call it "first world problems" but that started to feel kiiiinda offensive, especially considering how often you lock your keys in the car. So now you call it "mfkaitiailatamdilampidamjiitcaifs." You know, for short.
"Whaaaat just happened, Michael?" you ask, worried. "Did you just lock me in here with you? Did you just Matt Lauer me? Do you have a fucking Matt Lauer button??? Goddammit! Helllllp!!!"
"No, no no, it's not like that at all!" Michael says, examining the door. "When I noticed the first Barbie went missing, I actually did install a security sensor in this room, in case the culprit tries to come back to steal the rest of the Barbies. If one of those dolls moves, the door locks from the outside, keeping the culprit in here until I can come release them from the room and make them answer for their crimes. These things are going for a lot of money on eBay right now. Especially the one that's missing, which happens to be Frida Kahlo, the renowned Mexican artist and activist. I'm just saying, one can't take too many chances."
"So...you fucking sealed us in here!? Because of a fucking doll???" You start looking for an exit. "Ok, everybody," you say. "Just calm down. Now, I need you to think, Michael. How do you unlock this door? Where's the key? WHERE'S THE FUCKING KEY, MICHAEL??? HELLLPPP!!!!" You clearly didn't take your own advice.
Michael slumps to the floor, dejectedly. "Well, it's...it's a button. It's on the underside of the desk. In your office. I forgot to move it to a location where I could always access it before you got here. I just...forgot. But calm down, everything will be fine. All we have to do is call one of the others and tell them to let us out. You have your phone, right? I dropped mine in a toilet when I was peeing earlier so Alex put it in some rice for me to dry it out . Do you think that works?"
You start to freak out more. You remember sitting your phone down on the desk in your office, the same desk with the button on its underside, the button that unlocks the door to this miserable ass closet.
"My phone is on the desk with your stupid button," you say angrily. "Listen. I am extremely claustrophobic. So if you have any fucking bright ideas that'll get us out of this closet, I'm going to need you to tell me. Right. Now."
"I guess we should just yell and bang on the door in hopes that one of the Queens hears us and we tell them how to let us out," he says.
Without hesitation, you start banging on the door and yelling for help, and Michael follows suit. Minutes pass. Then hours. Then a few more hours. Nobody comes to let you out because, though they all heard the two of you yelling and banging on the door, they just assumed Michael had started some obnoxious band AGAIN, because starting obnoxious bands and practicing in tiny spaces is something Michael has done a lot of times in his life.
For some reason it takes them several days to decide that somebody should try to call you to see where you went or why you might have quit. Alex volunteers- and when she finally does call, she hears the Cardi B ringtone on your phone playing in your office. She goes in to check it out and sees that your phone has vibrated off the desk. As she bends down to pick your phone up, she notices the curious hidden button on the underside of the desk, and pushes it to see what it does. That's when she hears the door to Michael's office/closet unlock. When she comes to investigate, she opens the door and finds you sitting on the floor in a pool of blood, playing with Michael's Barbies. There are bones scattered around you in a circle, and that's when Alex comes to the grim realization that at some point you lost your shit and ate Michael to stay alive.
She then mutters these words, in horror at the sight of you:
"God save the Queencast..."
THE END
You start to reach for one of the Barbies to pull it from the wall and inspect it, but ultimately decide against it, thinking that maybe doing so would be rude.
"Good thing you didn't grab one of the Barbies," Michael says. "Because since the first one went missing, I actually did install a security sensor in this room in case the culprit tries to come back to steal another one. If one of those Barbies moves, the door locks from the outside, keeping the culprit in here until I can come release them from the room and make them answer for their crimes. These things are going for a lot of money on eBay right now. Especially the one that's missing, which happens to be Frida Kahlo, the renowned Mexican artist and activist. I'm just saying, one can't take too many chances."
Again, you notice yourself regretting the decision to choose to follow Michael, because this sure does sound like a Matt Lauer button situation to you. But again, you remember that it's your first day on the job so once again, you withold judgment.
Michael continues. "So this is our mystery for today- finding out who freed the Frida. Now, I don't yet have enough evidence to prove this, but I'm almost positive it was one of the other three detectives. We're considering all three of them to be prime suspects for now."
You groan at the "freed the Frida" line he just said, and determine that Michael is definitely paranoid (if not fully cuckoo, as Soha suggested). But before you can make up some kind of excuse to leave, he continues.
"Anyway. Your assignment for today is to inconspicuously follow each one of them around the office for a little while. Watch their comings and goings; and if you notice anything out of the ordinary or if they do anything suspicious that might give us some kind of clue as to who took the Barbie, I'll need you to then report back to me with your findings so that we can catch the culprit. Do you have any questions?"
[[Ask what each Queen's motivation might be for stealing the Barbie]]
[[Decline to ask questions, and agree to get started]]
[[Decline this ridiculous assignment altogether]] "I have two questions, because that's what makes me a good detective," you inform him. "Question one: Why would any of the Queens want to steal your Barbie in the first place? What's in it for them? And two, how do you know that it wasn't someone else entirely? For example, someone you busted from a previous case that might have sworn revenge on you?"
"Ok, last question first," Michael says. "I don't think anybody here has actually solved any real cases. Yet. I mean, after all, we're really just podcasters. Just because we've all seen too much Law and Order does not detectives make us. Or...however you'd say that. So I doubt that somebody we've already caught is to blame. "
"So then back to question one," you say, "what did you do to piss the Queens off enough to get them to steal your dumb toy?" You realize that 'dumb toy' was a poor choice of words and you correct yourself. "Sorry. What I meant to say was dumb collectible."
"Me? Piss the Queens off?" Michael laughs. "Noooo. I'm way too afraid of the three of them to ever try to piss them off. But..." Michael leans in close. "There is *something* going on with those three. I don't know if they're witches, or time travellers, or what. Hell, maybe they're both. But something is going on around here and SOMEBODY has my Barbie."
"Have you thought about just asking them if they've seen it, though? Occam's razor and all that."
"Ask? Ha! That's not how detective work works, Detective," Michael says.
You look at him blankly for a second, realizing that he probably does have a few loose screws. But the exchange you just had was so strange that now your curiosity has been piqued and you feel like you need to solve this mystery for yourself, more than for Michael.
"Ok. It sounds like there really is a mystery here," you say. "Don't worry, we'll get that Frida back!"
Michael jumps to his feet with glee. "Fantastic! I knew I liked you, Rookie!" He looks at his wrist, as if to see what time it is, but there's no watch on it. "It's still early, so everyone should be in their office, 'doing paperwork.' So get to spyin'!" With that, Michael pushes you out of the office/closet and closes the door.
"Something is clearly off about that guy," you think to yourself. "Anyway, let's see...who am I going to investigate first?"
[[Investigate Alex]]
[[Investigate Debra]]
[[Investigate Soha]]
"No questions, detective," you say. "I'm pretty sure I have a good handle on this mystery."
"Perfect!" Michael says, approvingly. "Then get out there and crack this case wide open!"
You nod as you leave the janitor's closet. You know exactly which steps to take in the case of the unfortunately named "Freed Frida."
You start by first returning to your office, where you happened to notice what appeared to be some kind of poorly hidden secret button on the underside of your desk when you were in there earlier today. As you nonchalantly reach under the desk to push the button, you wonder why Michael left the trigger that unlocks his office door from the outside on the desk of the rookie, instead of placing it in a more advantageous spot for him to use it, should the culprit that stole his toy choose to return to the scene of the crime and strike again.
Next, you return to Michael's office/closet.
"Michael, I made an important discovery about the case!" You say excitedly.
"Oh? Go on!" Michael drops whatever boring thing he appears to be doing and gives you his undivided attention.
"Well, it's reeeeeally big," You say. "It turns out, I discovered who freed the Frida, and it wasn't one of the Queens! This goes all the way to the top, though, so right now, what I need you to do is to go get the others and bring them in here, because I think they all need to get in on this one. Hurry! There's not a second to spare!"
Michael starts to speak but you push him out of the room.
"No talk! You go! Now!"
Michael frantically races out of the room. Knowing you only have a few seconds to spare, you swiftly but carefully remove the Katherine Johnson and Amelia Earhart Barbies from their spots on the wall. As you suspected, nothing happens.
You sneak back into your office and hide under the desk with the Barbies, just in time to hear Michael and the Queens run past. You hear one of them ask "What the hell does 'this goes all the way to the top mean?'" as they race down the hall.
As you hear them crowd into Michael's office/closet, you push the hidden security button next to your head and you hear the loud slam of Michael's door as it locks the whole group inside.
"Rookie??? Did you do that? What the fuck?" You hear Debra yell.
"Come on Rookie, let us out, we can't open the door from in here and Michael smells bad," you hear Soha say.
You casually walk out the front door with the two Barbies as they continue yelling angrily for you to let them out. You laugh as you think about how you actually showed up early this morning before you were scheduled to arrive, and how it appeared that somebody had apparently forgotten to lock the door when they left the night before.
You think about how you scoped the place out, getting the lay of the land and looking for anything of value that you could steal, but that the only things that caught your eye were the Barbies. You then think about how you effortlessly took the Frida (because you just love you some art), and had no intention of taking the others until you realized how much Michael loved them, and that they were actually valuable enough to steal. You then realize that even though Michael is incredibly dumb, the fact that he installed such an elaborate and effective security mechanism to protect his dumb toys between your first and second visits, some three hours apart, is incredibly impressive. It briefly saddens you to think that his talents will never be fully realized elsewhere; That he's soon going to die in that room with the others, and that nobody will ever know to let them out.
As you start to wonder how the Queencast Detective Agency will spend their last hours together locked in that tiny closet, you open your trunk and toss the Katherine and Amelia Barbies down next to the Frida. You then close your trunk, hop in the driver's seat, and drive away.
"God save the Queencast," you laugh.
THE END
"I'm sorry, Michael," you say. "I know you're upset about your Barbie, but I don't think this is the right job for me. In fact, I think I'm going to have to leave now. I guess I thought detective work was, I don't know...something else?"
With a disappointed but understanding look, Michael shakes your hand. "I understand, Rookie," he says. We aren't all cut out for the hard-boiled work that a case like this requires. Come, I'll walk you out."
You follow Michael to the front door, passing Debra.
"Oh no! Are you leaving us already?" She asks.
"Yes, I'm so sorry. I just don't think detective work is for me."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but I understand." Debra smiles. "Good luck with all of your future endeavors." And with that, you shake her hand, walk through the door, get into your car and drive away.
After watching your car fade into the distance, Debra opens a drawer in the front desk and pulls out the missing Barbie, handing it to Michael.
"I think we need to stop leading with the Barbie Mystery for the initiation of these Rookies," she says to Michael. "If they can't handle something as silly as that 'Freed the Frida' bullshit you always say, they definitely won't be able to handle being the ghinea pig for my time machine. They will flip the fuck out."
"True," Michael agrees, taking the Barbie from Debra. One day...one day we'll get somebody in here that's juuuust dumb enough to put up with us. Back to the drawing board though, I guess."
As they continue watching you drive away, Soha and Alex join them.
"Lost another one, huh?" asks Alex. "Let me guess...was it 'Freed the Frida' that did it?"
"That's always what does it," Soha says. And speaking of always..."
"God save the Queencast," they all exclaim in perfect unison as they walk out of the room and back into their own offices.
THE END You decide that investigating Alex would be as good a starting point as any. As you make your way to her office, you think about how ridiculous this scenario is. You figure that instead of spying on anybody, you'll just take the old fashioned approach and ask them if they've seen the Barbie.
When you get to Alex's office, you notice the door is already open, but Alex is nowhere to be found. You decide that this might be a good time to do some snooping for clues, since there's no sign of Alex anywhere.
You look around, noticing that there are lots of...things...all over the place. Not in a messy way, though; There's a sense of style to the way she decorates.
You see several framed photos of people both on the walls and the desk. You also notice several plants, which fill the room with a life that your own drab office (and certainly Michael's office/closet) does not possess. You also see an easel with a giant blank canvas on it, and several medium to large paintings are stacked upright against the wall behind them. Finally, your gaze lands on a pair of bongos, on which you immediately feel compelled to drum.
"Huh!" You say, curiously. "Alex's office is pretty ok, in my book. I could definitely hang out in here and drink wine and read." You decide you should get a closer look at everything, but don't know quite where to start. Ultimately, you decide to:
[[Investigate the photos]]
[[Investigate the plants ]]
[[Investigate the artwork]]
[[Investigate the bongos]] You decide that investigating Debra would be as good a starting point as any. As you make your way to her office, you think about how ridiculous this scenario is. You figure that instead of spying on anybody, you'll just take the old fashioned approach and ask them if they've seen the Barbie.
You arrive at Debra's office and knock on the door, but there's no answer. You wait a few seconds, knock again, but again there's no answer. "Hello? Debra?" You wait a second, but still nothing. Curious, you try the door handle. The door isn't locked, so you let yourself in and decide that this might be a good time to do some snooping for clues, since there's no sign of Debra anywhere.
You look around- It's just a regular, boring looking office. There's a desk with some papers on it, a decent looking globe, and a bookshelf with the books messily scattered across the shelves. You also notice that there are a few books on the floor, as if somebody knocked a few from the shelves just for the lols.
"Huh," you sigh. "I expected Debra's office to be more exciting. I might as well do some snooping anyway." You look at the desk, the globe, and the bookshelf again, and decide to:
[[Investigate the desk]]
[[Investigate the globe]]
[[Investigate the bookshelf]]
You decide that investigating Soha would be as good a starting point as any. As you make your way to her office, you think about how ridiculous this scenario is. You figure that instead of spying on anybody, you'll just take the old fashioned approach and ask them if they've seen the Barbie.
When you get to Soha's office, you notice the door is already open, but Soha is nowhere to be found. You decide that this might be a good time to do some snooping for clues, since there's no sign of Soha anywhere.
You look around, noticing that there are lots of...things...all over the place. It is a real disaster. I mean, there's just shit scattered everywhere. It looks like the only thing she's every bothered to clean in this nasty ass room is the giant, 6 foot tall human-sized mirror in the corner. There are shoes everywhere and fast food wrappers all over the place, as well as different kinds of make up. On her desk, nearly drowning in a pile of paperwork, you see a laptop open, and the little blinky light on the side indicates to you that the power is on.
"Huh," you say, in a surprised tone. "This office is...what's the word I'm looking for? Right. This office is on-butt. How can anyone ever get anything done in a place like this?"
You decide that since Soha is nowhere to be seen, this might be a good time to do some snooping. You glance around the room again, and ultimately decide to:
[[Investigate the mirror]]
[[Invetigate the shoes and trash]]
[[Investigate the laptop]] You walk over to the desk to investigate it. It's a regular, cheap looking desk with some papers that seem to be bills and invoices scattered across it. You look at each one, and notice they're slightly unusual.
You pick one of the papers up and read it: "6 GPU Etherium coin mining rig...six thousand dollars!?" You have no idea what that means, but six thousand dollars seems a lot of money for whatever that is.
You pick up another paper: "Fifty...loaves of bread. Huh." That's when you remember Debra mentioning something about running a food prep business during your interview. "Ok, that kinda makes sense."
You pick up another paper: "Jimmy Choo, crystal encrusted suede point toe pumps...FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS??? For shoes???" You laugh as you picture what a five thousand dollar pair of shoes could possibly look like, and you think back to the most expensive shoes you ever bought, which was a pair of Hello Kitty Pumas you found at Journeys a while back for 90 bucks. Even then, you thought that was too much to pay for shoes.
"Damn, this detective life must be paying off," you think.
You continue looking around, and notice what looks like a sleazy tabloid under another stack of bills.
You pick it up and read the cover: "President Trump is definitely an alien from another galaxy." You laugh. "Well, I mean that's just true. You know...allegedly."
Suddenly, the room starts to shake and the lights start to flicker. "Ohshitohshitohshit...what did I just do?" you ask yourself. That's when you notice the bookshelf again, slowly moving on its own. It slides to the left a bit, then swings its right side toward you. Books fall off the shelves as it moves. When it stops, it reveals what appears to be a secret stairway hidden behind it.
"That explains why the books are so disorganized," You think.
You approach the secret stairway and look down. The stairway is long but well lit, and you hear voices coming from the hall beyond the bottom of the stairs. Suddenly, you realize you have no idea what in the actual fuck is going on, because you definitely weren't expecting to find some kind of crazy secret passage in this otherwise boring office.
"Maybe Michael was right," you think. "Maybe there's some kind of witch-ass bullshit going on around here."
At this point, you aren't sure what you should do. Should you go down the secret stairway to investigate further, or should you report back to Michael to see if he knows anything about this? Or is your anxiety level so high that the best thing to do would be to just get in your car and go home, calling it a day? After all, you really don't like surprises like this and secret passages most certainly did not come up during your job interview. You think it over for a second, and you ultimately decide to:
[[Go down the secret stairway]]
[[Report back to Michael]]
[[Get in your car and go home]]
You walk over to the globe to investigate it. It's a Maitlin Smith globe and it looks very nice and antique. It's one of those giant, faded looking blue globes on a stand that is basically a circular wooden table with a globe-shaped hole in the middle where the globe rests, with brass accents and feet. If you had to guess, you'd estimate this globe to be worth about three thousand dollars. Since you come from a family of professional globesmiths, you know a thing or two about globes.
You give the globe a spin and it makes a very pleasant sound as it rotates a few times before stopping, with Russia facing you.
"Well, that was nice," you think. Realizing that this globe has nothing to do with Michael's missing Barbie, and that you probably just wasted a good 20 minutes on this globe for no apparent reason, you decide to:
[[Investigate the desk]]
[[Investigate the bookshelf]] You walk over to the bookshelf to investigate it. It seems completely ordinary, as far as bookshelves go. The books are in alphabetical order, but messily arranged. Some are standing, some are stacked. You notice there is a complete A-Z set of Encyclopedia Brittanicas, and you make a mental note to watch some old Encyclopedia Brittanica commercials on YouTube later.
This fascinating waste of time in which you are currently engaged is interrupted when you notice that, besides encyclopedias, every other book is science related. You wonder how any of this has to do with people cheating on their romantic partners, and you don't see any clues that point to Michael's missing Barbie. You look around the room again and decide to:
[[Investigate the desk]]
[[Investigate the globe]] Since the reason you got hired here in the first place was because of your detectiving prowess, and since a secret stairway equals mystery, you deduce that the math would suggest that you explore the stairs.
"Here we fucking go," you say as you make your way down the stairs.
As you get closer to the bottom, you make out what sounds like Debra and Soha in a deep conversation. You stop before they notice you, deciding that maybe if you're super sneaky, you'll catch something juicy, maybe even a clue to the whereabouts of the Barbie.
"Yeah but I don't even want to run up the stairs at the gym, so why would I do that here?" Soha asks.
"Look," says Debra. "If you wanna get famous as the girl with the ass that keeps on quitting, then that's fine, you do you. But MY ass is gonna work like a japanese businessman. Ain't no quit in here. And that means I'm gonna run up and down the stairs to this lab all day if I have to."
"Ok first of all, labor rights in Japan are a huge problem and those people are basically corporate human trafficking victims," Soha points out. "And second, what if I just get the Rookie to run up these steps for me?"
"Whaaa?," Debra replies with an eye roll that you don't even have to see.
You decide that maybe you should make your presence known, not realizing that they heard the bookshelves move, and know that you've been standing there the whole time. You walk the few remaining stairs and reach the bottom. "Um, heyyyy guys," you say, looking around to take in the scene. You appear to be standing in some kind of science lab. There are scales and beakers full of chemicals on a nearby table, and just beyond where Soha and Debra are standing there's what appears to be some kind of larger than usual computer tower type thing, humming and buzzing. And just beyond that, there's a human-sized contraption that looks like a phone booth crossed with a dildo. You notice two very nice flat screen tvs on the far wall, both of which appear to be playing episodes of Cheaters, on mute.
"How did you get in here, Rookie?" Soha asks. "Did Alex tell you the password?"
"Password?" You ask. "I don't think so? I was looking for Debra. I went into her office and nobody was in there, and then the bookshelves moved and now here I am."
"Well, now that you're here," Debra says, walking to the stairs, "The password is 'allegedly.' Watch." She cups her hands and yells. "ALLEGEDLY!" The bookshelf at the top of the stairs rumbles and slides back into place, neatly hiding the stairway from the upstairs world. "See? Pretty neat, huh? I invented that."
"That IS neat!" You do think it's pretty neat. "So, you're an inventor? I thought you were like somebody that follows people around in your car with binoculars or something, taking secret pics of forbidden blowjobs and stuff."
"Oh, none of those blowjob pics are secret, honey," Debra replies. "But you're right, I do that shit too. But with all the technology we have nowadays and with facebook and all that, cheaters are getting craftier. I gotta stay a step ahead of the game, so I started inventing things to help me keep my edge. You know, before we started doing this full time, I was a nurse. I picked up a few things from the doctors and the hospital when I was there."
"Yeah," Soha interrupts. "She stole pretty much everything in this basement from the hospital she used to work in."
"Hey, allegedly," says Debra. At that, you hear the bookshelf upstairs moving again. "Goddammit, we gotta change that password. Soha, go upstairs and get that bookshelf moved before Michael finds out about the lab. Rookie, you stay here and take a look around."
Soha mumbles something under her breath about human trafficking, and then very dramtically storms up the stairs.
"See? I'm gonna make her do those steps one way or the other," Debra laughs. "Anyway, what were we talking about again, Rookie?"
[[Ask Debra if she's seen Michael's Barbie]]
[[Ask Debra more questions about her inventions]]
You decide to check back with Michael to see what he knows about this bonkers secret stairway. After all, your mother always taught you that it's better to be safe than sorry. So with that in mind, you race back to Michael's office/closet.
As you approach, you see that the door is open and inside, you see Michael sweeping the shitty tile floor to music that you immediately recognize as The Second Time Around by Shalimar.
You're suddenly taken back to a day you spent in Half Price Books, nearly 10 years ago. You were digging through the 50 cent records along the shelf at the bottom of the record bin when you came across the Shalimar album Big Fun, which is the album that includes the song to which you now notice yourself involuntarily snapping your fingers and shimmying your shoulders. You see the album cover in your mind's eye, which features the band riding dolphins past palm trees and waving at the camera. Your recollection then turns sad, however, as you remember that the day you bought that record, one of your exes texted you to ask if you had heard yet that Michael Jackson was dead...but then your recollection gets sunny again, because you remember that you also bought the album The Best of Brick that day, an album that features the whole band of Brick on the cover, in tuxedos, posing together with a glass wheel-barrow. That wheel-barrow was filled with white bricks that to this day you suspect was probably cocaine.
"Rookie? Heyyyy Rookie...Rookie!" You are abruptly snapped back to reality to see Michael standing in front of you, broom in hand, tapping his other hand nervously on his leg in time with the song. "You ok, Rookie? You look totally zonked."
"Oh! Yeah, sorry," you say. "I guess I just got lost in the song for a second. Did you need me for something?"
"Ummm...Idk, it depends, he replies. "Did you find the Barbie?"
You think for a second. Barbie...Barbie...then you remember.
"Oh, right! Yeah, no, I didn't find the Barbie. But I found something else and it's fucking wild. Did you know Debra has a secret stairway leading to the basement in her office?"
Michael studies your face quizzically. "I'm sorry, what? A secret stairway? To the basement? Are you...you know...fucked up? You look AND sound high. Also, I'm pretty sure this building doesn't have a basement. Or at least it didn't when we signed the lease. "Wait...do you think Debra built a basement under this building without me knowing so that she could steal my Barbie and hide it there? That actually sounds like something Debra would do."
You don't know if it's because Michael is weirding you out or what but now that he mentions it, you do feel a little funny and intense. "Dude. Maybe she did do that. I don't know." You grab his wrist. "Come on, let's go throw a scope on this."
[[Take Michael to Debra's office]] "Yeah," you think as you peer down the stairwell. "This is certainly beyond the pay grade of an entry level detective. I'll be on my way."
You turn around to leave, only to see the imposing but handsome figure of Michael standing close enough to you to touch you.
"Welcome to the family, Rookie," he says as he grabs your shirt with his left hand and punches you square in the face with his right. Suddenly, everything goes quiet and dark.
The first thing you notice as you regain consciousness are the voices.
"Michael," you hear Soha say, "I'm telling you. You look horrifying in that getup. Why don't you leave the sexy witch outfits to us?"
"Yeah ok, but I bedazzled mine, so I'm pretty sure I actually look the best," you hear him say.
You open your eyes and look around. The room is dark, and there are lit candles all over the floor. The entire Queencast Detective Agency is standing before you, and everyone including Michael is dressed in a cheap looking (but undeiably sexy) witch costume, complete with witch hat, short skirt, the whole nine yards. You notice Michael's outfit is covered in rhinestones that catch the light from the candles on the floor and reflect it around the room. He does look horrifying, though. Handsome, yes. But definitely horrifying.
As your senses start to fully return, you notice that your arms are tied behind your back and that you can't move. This realization is immediately followed by the realization that you are chest deep in a giant, black cauldron full of uncomfortably warm liquid, liquid that appears to be some kind of stew or broth. It suddenly dawns on you that these detectives aren't detectives at all; that in reality, they're just crazy ass witches and apparently...they're about to cook you and eat you.
You try to scream, but it's no use. Your mouth is covered in tape and there's no way you can remove it.
"Oh, look how cute!" Alex smiles at you. "The Rookie is trying to scream for help!"
"That is cute!" Soha says. "Hashtag totesadorbs!" Ooh speaking of, should I Instagram this?"
"Oh hellll no!" Debra replies. "We'll get arrested as fuck if people see this! But we do look like the baddest witches on the brooms in these outfits, so you should at least get a pic of us together while we're all dressed up."
"That's a great idea!" Soha says excitedly. "Hey Rookie, can you take this picture of us in our witch clothes? Haha, jk, we know you can't move. Womp womp."
Everybody looks at you and has a good laugh. "Here Michael, you take it," Soha says.
"Uhh, no thank you. I wanna be in it too, and besides, y'all never like any of the pics I take." Michael crosses his arms indignantly.
"Ugh, what a little baby," Soha says. "Fine, I'll snap it myself. Everybody get in close."
As they play around taking cute pictures of themselves in their sexy witch costumes for the next few minutes, you try to wiggle free from the ropes but it's no use. You try repeatedly to scream, but with your mouth covered in tape, that too is useless. You notice the temperature of the broth rising, and realize this is probably the last scene you'll ever take in.
"How did I get here?" you wonder. "Where even am I? How did I not see this coming? Why are they witches? What if I wanted to be a witch too?" But none of these questions will ever be answered, you realize. You're just going to die without any important story details explained to you in some way that would make some kind of cohesive narrative sense.
"Even in death," you think to yourself, "some of life's most important details remain forever a mystery, as if the deity pulling the strings either simply couldn't be bothered to write all of those details out, or that maybe he was working under some kind of deadline and didn't have time to properly prepare some kind of reasonable explanation for my demise. Sigh."
"Are you sure this is going to work, Alex?" Debra asks.
Alex approaches you and starts dumping chopped jalapenos over your head. "Yes, I think so," she replies. "That facebook video that witchypoo69_420 posted said that if we want to keep our witch tanks full, we have to eat a whole person that we barely know, and they have to be tricked in order to become a treat for us to savor. We have to be dressed in sexy witch outfits and they have to be cooked in a stew. That's what the facebook video said."
"That sounds...really dumb, actually," Soha replies. "Plus I'm pretty sure I can't actually eat this stew if there's Rookie meat in it. And as an attorney, I'm assuming that this is probably illegal. Was it one of those fast gif-type cooking videos?"
"Yasss kween!" Alex replies, sliding diced carrots and celery from her cutting board and into the cauldrom with you.
"Yes girl! Those videos are legit," says Debra, looking at you hungrily.
Alex studies you for a second. "Ok, I think that's everything. Now we just have to close the lid and wait for the meat to get tender!" She sprinkles some delicious looking spices into your eyes and it's more painful than anything else that has happened to you today so far. You try to scream again, but again it's no use.
Michael approaches the cauldron, picking up a heavy looking lid with his attractive and super muscular arms. He looks at you for a second before putting the lid down over your head.
"Say, Rookie, *you* think I look good in this witch outfit, right?" He asks you.
Hoping that agreeing with him might get you out of this mess, you frantically nod yes, over and over again.
"See? Somebody here has taste," he says to the room. "Thanks Rookie." He then proceeds to push your head down into the cauldron and seal you in with the giant cast iron lid.
"So much for that idea," you think to yourself. You feel the broth getting hotter and your eyes begin burning even more with the spices. "So much for everything." You start to feel yourself getting light headed and the pain starts to go away. Everything gets wetter, and fuzzy.
The last thing you hear before being cooked alive in a giant pot of Rookie Stew is some kind of chant by the witches beyond the cauldron.
It sounds like they're saying "God save the Queencast," over and over again.
That's when you die and everyone except Soha eats you. You are delicious, and the Instagram story that Soha makes of the other two sexy witches (and the handsome but horrifying one) eating delicious stew with absolutely no Rookies in it at all blows up the internet, and makes the Queencast Detective Agency rich and famous. Everyone but you lives happily ever after.
Great job, Rookie!
THE END
You grab Michael by the hand and lead him down the hall into Debra's office. When you arrive, everything seems to be normal and boring looking again. The book shelf is back against the wall where it should be. The desk still looks boring. The globe still looks decent.
"Soooo...where's the secret stairway?" Michael asks as he gives the globe a spin. "Also did you know that Thailand used to be called Siam? So you know that Thai restaurant called Thai Siam that used to be on Bardstown Road? It's like it was calling itself the same thing twice. Kinda like how Oishi means 'good' in Japanese; which means that *other* restaurant- 'Oishi Sushi' on Taylorsville road? Well it's just called 'Good Sushi' but nobody would eat there if they just called the place 'Good Sushi.' Besides, I didn't even see any kanji when I was there that one time! What kind of poser shit is that? Kusoge...now, that's the japanese word for garbage..."
You didn't hear a word of whatever the hell Michael was just talking about, because you've been frantically trying to move the bookcase, with all of the books still on it. But it won't budge, so you decide that knocking all the books off the shelves and onto the floor as hard as you can will probably make everything easier (and it would probably also be super fun).
"Michael, hurry. Help me pull all of these books off this shelf right now!" Michael doesn't even hesitate, he runs over and starts pulling one book off at a time and throwing each one over his shoulder.
"OW! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" you hear someone yell behind you. You and Michael both stop and turn around to see Debra, holding a book in one hand and rubbing her head with the other. "Who said you two could just barge into my office and start tearing shit up? I sure as fuck didn't say that."
You realize you owe Debra an explanation, but right now you really need to keep throwing books off the shelf and you don't even know why, you just know you HAVE TO, because that's who you are. You weigh the options for a second, and ultimately choose to:
[[Explain to Debra what in the hell you're doing]]
[[Get back to work pulling the books from the shelf]] "Oh my God, Debra! I'm so sorry!" You return the book in your hand to the bookshelf. "Ok. So. I was in here earlier because Michael sent me out to look for this Barbie doll he was playing with..."
"I don't *play* with those, Rookie, they're limited edition collectibles!" Michael snottily retorts.
"Ugh, fine. He sent me in here looking for his COLLECTIBLE, and something weird happened..."
"Wait," Debra interrupts. "Did you see any...dick picks?"
"What!? No! I...I saw a National Enquirer or something though."
"Ohhh ok. Go ahead then." Debra looks relieved. You decide to let that one go.
"Uh, so anyway, this bookshelf moved all by itself and there was this secret stairway behind it and so I freaked out and ran to tell Michael!"
"Hold up," Debra says, stepping in closer to you. "You say this bookcase moved and you saw steps?"
"Yes!" You feel slight relief, because from the look on Debra's face, it doesn't look as though she thinks you're crazy after all.
"Where did the steps go, Rookie?" She asks.
"To the basement!" You look at Michael, remembering him telling you there was no basement here. "There's a basement here, right Debra?"
Debra thinks for a second, her face now looking concerned, which of course makes you feel concerned again. She pulls the chair from behind her desk and offers it to you. "I need you to sit down and tell me exactly everything you did since you got here."
You suddenly realize that you probably should take a seat.
[[Sit down]]
"Debra," you say. "I would love to stop tearing up your office but right now I need to fucking toss some shit! Here I go!" With that you start frantically knocking the books off the bookshelf like one of those scenes where people clear off a bar before a bar fight in a cowby movie.
"Yassss, let's burn 'em!" Michael yells excitedly.
"Motherfucker, you're gonna stop this shit right now!" Debra starts walking toward you in a threatening manner. "Or I'm gonna kick your ass, and then treat the wound, and then kick that ass some more!"
Suddenly it occurs to you that Debra doesn't play around. "Oh my God, Debra! I'm so sorry!" You return the book in your hand to the bookshelf.
"Ok. So. I was in here earlier because Michael sent me out to look for this Barbie doll he was playing with..."
"I don't *play* with those, Rookie, they're limited edition collectibles!" Michael snottily retorts.
"Ugh, fine. He sent me in here looking for his COLLECTIBLE, and something weird happened..."
"Wait," Debra interrupts. "Did you see any...dick picks?"
"What!? No! I...I saw a National Enquirer or something though."
"Ohhh ok. Go ahead then." Debra looks relieved. You decide to let that one go.
"Uh, so anyway, this bookshelf moved all by itself and there was this secret stairway behind it and so I freaked out and ran to tell Michael!"
"Hold up," Debra says, stepping in closer to you. "You say this bookcase moved and you saw steps?"
"Yes!" You feel slight relief, because from the look on Debra's face, it doesn't look as though she thinks you're crazy after all.
"Where did the steps go, Rookie?" She asks.
"To the basement!" You look at Michael, remembering him telling you there was no basement here. "There's a basement here, right Debra?"
Debra thinks for a second, her face now looking concerned, which of course makes you feel concerned again. She pulls the chair from behind her desk and offers it to you. "I need you to sit down and tell me exactly everything you did since you got here."
You suddenly realize that you probably should take a seat.
[[Sit down]] You sit down in the provided chair and start recounting your day. "Let's see...well, Soha wanted me to follow her around, but I said I was going to follow Michael. Then, Soha looked salty because I think she wanted me to go to Taco Bell for her, but I was like nah, and then I was in that tiny closet with Michael looking at his toys..."
"Whaaa?? Did y'all have sex?" Debra asks.
"No!" you yell, while at the same time Michael yells "yes!"
"That's a no then..." Debra suddenly looks concerned again. "Did you touch anything while you were in his office, though? Maybe not the D but something else?"
You think for a second, not sure where this is going. "I mean, I don't know, I wasn't in there very long. I think I moved the broom to get a better look at the Barbies, but..."
"Aw shit," Debra throws her hands up, like she suddenly figured everything out. "That explains it."
Before you can ask what exactly any of this means, Alex and Soha walk into Debra's office.
"Guys?" Alex says. "We heard some noises. What is going on?"
"Aw hell," Debra says. "Nothing but bullshit." She motions to you and Michael. "These two are high as motherfucker, trippin' their asses off is what's going on."
"Wait. What?" You're suddenly very confused. "I didn't do any drugs!"
"Ha. Allegedly!" Debra starts laughing. "I can't believe this."
"Oh shit," Alex says. "I'm so sorry. I'll explain this, Debra."
Soha starts laughing. "Hahaha welcome to the Queencast," she says.
Alex speaks again: "So Debra had this idea for this truth serum she wanted to make, to aid her in catching people cheating on their spouses. She came to me and asked me to help her because it requires a lot of cooking, and of course Soha could not help with that."
"Psh. You mean Soha had better things to do with her time," Soha argues.
"Yeah, like sleep until noon," Debra fires back.
"11:30, actually," Soha says, proudly.
"Anyway," Alex continues, "We had to get a bunch of rotten bread and make liquid out of it. So after we did that, we added some rotten avocado to it, because the YouTube video we watched said that avocado is the most truthful food you can eat."
Debra chimes in: "The youtube video also said that this is the kinda shit people used to get fucked up on back in the day, the shit that made them think they were seeing witches doing magic." She starts laughing. "So when we were finished, we needed to test our recipe, and we thought it would be funny as hell to put a little on the handle of that broom in Michael's closet, to see what happened if he got a little bit in him through his skin. We wanted to see if it worked like it was supposed to, or if he'd just get all fucked up and think he was flying around on the broom. I guess we didn't realize that you might touch the broom too. But to be fair, we hired you to be a detective, not a janitor."
"You all put drugs on my broom?" Michael seems confused. "Why didn't you try it on somebody else?"
"Well, Soha's a Muslim, we can't do her like that," Debra says.
"Besides," Soha adds, "I don't even know how to sweep."
"Plus, Alex and I made this shit, we can't take it because we're too close to it. Plus I only catch man cheaters, and you're the only Man we've got here, Michael. Unfortunately."
"Michael," Alex asks, "Do you feel like you're a more truthful man with these drugs in your system? And have you been hallucinating like the Rookie here? How do you feel?"
Michael thinks for a second. "Well, it's hard to say. I've done a LOT of drugs in my life, and my brain is already fried because of that. I guess I did think I was having an acid flashback for a little while earlier, but I have those all the time anyway. It adds to my charm, I'd like to think."
"Well, shit," Debra says. "And he already lied since he's been standing here, he said he had sex with that Rookie a second ago, and we all know that didn't happen."
You and the Queens all share a good laugh at Michael's expense.
"I guess we need to work on that recipe, Alex," Debra says, turning to you. "Come on Rookie, let's go get you set up in the dining area. There's a tv in there. We'll put on some High Noon and get you some macaroni and cheese and a Pepsi. You'll be alright in..." she looks at her watch. "...about 72 hours, give or take."
Excitedly, you get up and follow Debra out of the room, high-fiving Soha and Alex on the way out.
"Hey, what about me?" You turn around to see a life-sized Barbie doll dressed like Frida Kahlo sitting in the chair in Debra's office. She's smoking a cigarette and blowing heart shaped smoke rings your way.
You wave back. "God save the Queencast," you think to yourself.
THE END
"Actually," you say, "the reason I'm down here is because I was looking for this Barbie doll that Michael had hanging on the wall in his office or closet or whatever it is. It apparently came up missing and he asked me to investigate it for him, so I'm looking for clues. Have you seen it?"
"Well shit," Debra replies. She walks over to the giant computer-like tower thing and slides open a drawer on the desk that it's sitting on, pulling out a Barbie dressed like Frida Kahlo, sealed in its box and still ensconced in its plastic display case. She hands it to you. "You mean this thing?"
"Uh...yeah, actually that's exactly what I'm looking for. Why do you have it?"
"Well I was planning to use the plastic," she says. She then points to the computer tower thing. "See, I was planning to use this giant piece of shit here to mine for crypto currency, because it seemed like an easy way to get us all nice and rich. So I bought this computer thing here because newegg.com reviews said it was exactly what I needed." She looks at the computer tower disgustingly. "I spent six grand on this raggedy motherfucker. But when I got it all hooked up, I learned that nobody here knows how to mine for fucking bitcoins! Oh, excuse me. Etherium. And did you know that I could have bought this bitcoin mining thing WITH bitcoins?"
You stare at her blankly. "Ok, but I don't think I'm following you. Didn't you invent all this stuff down here? How is it that you couldn't figure out how to mine for bitcoins? And this is probably a silly question, but what are bitcoins? And what does any of this have to do with this Barbie?"
"Well," says Debra, "I'm gonna tell you. First of all, bitcoins are a crypto currency. And I could get into what that means, but it's boring and hard to explain, and people who get into this shit for real don't even know what they're doing. But when I was looking into it, I learned two very important facts: One, is that people are stupid, which I already knew. And two, you know what bitcoin is? It's bullshit. See, what I am, is a scientist. I invent things, because that's science. You know what ain't science? Bullshit ain't science. It's biology, and I'm not in that field anymore now that I'm not a nurse. But you know what IS science? Melting plastic and making your own coins! Because I also learned that you can get rich as hell telling people that Chuck E. Cheese coins are bitcoins. And why is that, Rookie?"
"Because people are stupid and they don't know what they're doing?" You answer.
"Yes, honey, yes!" Debra looks pleased. "So I was gonna melt this doll down and use the plastic to make some actual coins, with a Q on one side and everything. And then we tell people they're bitcoins, and boom. Rich! Now that's some real science right there! But I'm glad you got to me before I melted all this down. I probably could have used something else around the office for this experiment, but honestly, Barbie plastic is good coin making plastic and when I was done, he could have bought as many Barbies as he wanted. It's ok though, I'll figure out something else to use. Just take it back to him and if you don't mind, keep all this between us. After all, we haven't even told Michael that this lab is down here yet because we don't want him coming down here fucking around with the time machine or trying to bootleg video games or some shit. Just tell him he left it somewhere and leave it at that."
You agree not to mention anything to Michael, and take the Barbie upstairs using the secret password to hide the secret stairway as you leave.
[[Return the Barbie to Michael]]
"We were talking about the lab!" you answer. So what IS all this stuff anyway?"
Debra points to the beakers on the table. "Well, right here, I'm working on this recipe for truth serum that Alex found online for me. Allegedly, if you rub a little of this on a person's skin, they'll start singing their ass off about anything you wanna know." You hear the bookshelf upstairs moving again. "Oh, come on," Debra growls.
"Allegedly!" You hurredly shout, and the bookcase moves again, hopefully back into place.
"Look at that, Rookie, you're one of us!" Debra looks pleased. "Anyway, the recipe is really close to this drug they used to put on broom handles back in the old days to hallucinate. Did you know that's where the myth about witches flying on brooms came from? Nevermind. I haven't gotten a chance to test the formula yet though, so I'm probably gonna put a little dab on the handle of Michael's broom and watch him for a while, see what he does. That'll be funny as hell."
You nod in agreement. That would be pretty funny. "Ok, so then what's the dildo phone booth thing over there?"
"Ohhhh, that's the real shit, Rookie!" Debra walks over and pushes a giant yellow button on a metal box, that also has a giant red button and a giant blue button on it. When she presses it, it whizzes and whirls and lights up, with flashing colored christmas lights. Also the disco ball on top (that you didn't notice earlier) starts spinning around. "This is our time machine! I just finished this thing up, but none of us are brave enough to test it out. Whaddya say, you wanna be our first time traveller?"
[[Agree to step into Debra's time machine]]
[[Decline to step into Debra's time machine]] You make your way back to Michael's office/closet and find him sitting there next to the two Barbies displayed on the wall, pretending to play guitar on his broom.
"Hey Michael!" you say as you present him with the Barbie. "Look what I found! It's the Freed Frida!"
Michael drops the broom and jumps to his feet. "Holy shit!" he exclaims. "Thank you so much!!! Where did you find it!" He leans in close. "And by that I mean, which one of them stole it?"
"Well, the good news is, I don't think anybody stole it. I found it in the bathroom, in fact. You probably sat it down so that you wouldn't drop it in the toilet while you were peeing. I don't know that for sure, but that's what I would have done."
Michael thinks about it for a second. "Yeah, that sounds like me. Have you ever dropped your phone in a toilet full of your own pee? That's pretty gross. Anyway, what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that the Queens aren't witches like you thought, but they do have a secret science lab down in the basement, with a time machine and a bitcoin mining operation, and they're probably going to put liquid drugs on the handle of your broom so that you'll trip your ass off because they think it'll be hilarious."
Michael lets out a boisterous laugh. "Haaaa, that's a good one Rookie! I knew I liked you! Such an imagination! I tell you what, you're as delusional as I am! Believe me, there's no way they could hide a science lab from me, they aren't that slick. Anyhoo, come. Let's go into the dining area and play some Mario Kart." Michael hangs the Barbie back on the wall with the others and motions for you to follow him.
Relieved that the guts you just regretted spilling were neatly swept up with the drug handled broom of hilarity, you follow Michael into the tv room where he spends the rest of the day mercilessly kicking your ass at Mario Kart.
THE END You decide to start your investigation by examining all the framed photos Alex has around her office. It doesn't take long for you to realize that all of the people in the photos kind of look like Alex. You immediately feel the need to clarify that what you mean is that these people look like they're related to Alex, and that you are NOT thinking to yourself that all Mexicans look the same. "What an odd thing for me to feel the need to point out," you say to yourself.
Anyway. One of the people that you see in several of the photos is a teenage boy with a giant explosion of curly black hair and fantastic eyebrows. Alex is in some of the pictures with the boy, and because you're a great detective, you deduce that this boy must be Alex's brother, for whom she appears to have a great deal of affection. The other people in the photos, you deduce, must be other family members, and friends. You're pretty proud of yourself for cracking this code, you must admit. Genuis-level work, that.
"Life is just a series of moments that exists between the photos we see," you say, though you aren't quite sure why. "I'm not quite sure why I say these things," you then say, though the reason you said that was to answer the first thing you said that you didn't understand.
You get a vague sense that sometimes you aren't fully in control of your actions, like you're just a character in a story that someone else is writing. And then you moonwalk across the room perfectly. And then you say "thank you for the meal my friend and I are about to receive" in perfect japanese. And then you take off all of your clothes and throw them in a pile on the floor by the desk and start dancing around. And that's when Alex walks in.
"Hello Rookie," she says, smiling. She seems surprised, but pleased. "What are you doing?"
Shocked and embarrassed and positive that you in fact have absolutely no idea what you're doing at all, you decide to:
[[Tell her the truth]]
[[Tell her a lie]]
You walk around the room, investigating Alex's plants. You don't know much about plants, but they're definitely beautiful. Some of them are flowers, and some of them look like small trees. One is clearly a cactus.
You lean over to get a better look at one of the plants as Alex walks into the room. "Oh, hello," she says cheerfully. "May I help you?"
"Oh, hi! I just saw your beautiful plants and wanted to get a better look. You have quite the green thumb here," you say.
"Thank you, Rookie!" Alex says happily. "I just try to water them and take them outside so they can get sunlight, and sometimes I sing to them," she says. "Do you know anything about plants?"
"Oh, no. I wish I did, though," you say. "Everything I plant always dies. And every time I bring a plant into my house, my cat eats it."
"Oh!" Alex says. "Speaking of eating, would you like to help me prepare lunch for everyone?"
"I would, but I'm actually trying to solve a mystery. I'm helping Michael find some Barbie doll that came up missing. I don't suppose you've seen a Barbie around here, have you?"
"I have not," Alex replies. "But if you care to help me with lunch, I will be happy to discuss the case with you, and assist you after we eat. What do you say?"
[[Agree to help Alex with lunch]]
[[Decline to help Alex with lunch]] You walk over to the paintings stacked against the wall to investigate them. There are a few still lifes- you see paintings of flowers, fruits and vegetables, etc. There's an unfinished painting of her office, and a painting of the whole cast of the Queencast Detective Agency, in which they all seem to be dressed in sexy witch outfits, including Michael, who looks especially horrifying. The paintings are very good though, and you can tell Alex enjoys her hobby. Unfortunately, though, there doesn't seem to be anything in the way of clues to the Barbie's whereabouts in the paintings, so you decide to investigate elsewhere.
[[Investigate the photos]]
[[Investigate the plants ]]
[[Investigate the bongos]] You feel yourself blushing as you quickly cover your nether-regions. "Well to tell you the truth," you say, I actually have NO idea what I'm doing. Oh my god I am so sorry that I am naked in your office right now! It's like, do you ever feel like you have no control over your own actions?" That's when you start flapping your arms like a bird as if whoever is controlling you thinks it's super hilarious. "I'm so sorry!"
"Aw sweetie. It's ok! I used to be a social worker, so I've seen some things," Alex says, staring off into the middle distance.
"Thank you so much for understanding," you say, relaxing your arms. You start to reach for your clothes but they move just beyond your reach. Ignoring that, you continue: "Anyway, Michael thinks one of you stole his Frida Kahlo Barbie doll, so he sent me to spy on you guys to see who took it. You haven't seen it around here somewhere, have you?"
"Ugh," she replies. "Frida Kahlo, Frida Kahlo, Frida Kahlo. Always with the Frida Kahlo. Why do so many people always want to dress up like her? Especially white women. And have you seen that stupid Barbie? It is basically a white woman too! The skin is so light! And it's too skinny, like it's never even seen a good meal. And did you know the company that made it didn't even get permission to use her image beforehand? It is sickening to me. Michael shouldn't want that Barbie returned, it is disgraceful and insensitive, end of story."
"Yes, I agree," you say, though you aren't sure why you do agree. "But on the other hand, even in its problematic state, don't you think that it's better for girls to see a real icon as a Barbie instead of some vapid, superficial looking blonde with unnaturally large boobs? Besides, girls should take interest in arts and culture, and this might open the door for them to explore these avenues, especially if their parents are going to be buying them Barbies anyway."
Alex thinks for a second. "That may be true, Rookie. But if what Michael was saying is true, that these dolls are truly collector's items, then won't these dolls instead be coveted only by collectors? Will they not simply be bought by scavengers and scalpers in bulk to be sold to people like Michael for twice what they paid for them, or more? A young impressionable girl might never be exposed to such a doll because a 40 year old man bought it to hang it on the wall in his closet instead." She thinks for another moment. "No. I still think it is better this way, because I simply do not like this Barbie doll. I just don't like it, plain and simple."
At this point you are standing totally relaxed, and you don't even care that you're naked anymore. "So then...have you seen Michael's doll?" you ask.
"Oh. Yes, I've seen it, it's here." Alex pulls the completely unscathed Barbie from a drawer in her end table, which is covered in plants but also looks like she might have antiqued it herself. She hands the Barbie to you.
"Just because I have to ask," you say, "did you take the doll? I mean I see your point about it, I wouldn't blame you if you did. But...did you?"
"No, of course not, I do not steal!" Alex replies, seemingly offended by the question. "I found it in the bathroom earlier. I think Michael was holding it when he dropped his phone in the toilet, which I suppose he was also holding, I cannot say. What I can say is that I also have his phone, which I offered to dry out in a bowl of rice for him to get it working again. Will you take this back to him as well?" She hands you the phone.
"Sure," you reply. "By the way, does that rice trick really work?"
"I don't know," she answers. "It didn't work this time, but I also had to run it through the dishwasher before drying it out, because he handed it to me covered in urine and I refused to ruin my rice with something like that. So the heat from the dishwasher might have ruined it."
You start to again reach for your clothes, and again they jump just out of your reach. Suddenly, as if you are again not in control of your movements, you strike a very beautiful, statue-esque pose.
"Ooh, Rookie!" Alex studies you. "That is a majestic pose! Would you humor me and let me paint you? I've been painting a lot lately and I need a real, living and breathing person to study. And you are definitely a beautiful one of those!"
Realizing that you are already frozen in place and unable to move, you decide to:
[[Accept her request to paint you]]
[[Refuse her request to paint you]]
"Ohhhh...hi Alex!" you say. You feel yourself blushing as you cover your nether-regions. "I was just..." you frantically look around the room, hoping something you see will inspire a good explanation as to why you are currently completely undressed in front of her. "I was just being a tree! With my roots firmly planted in the earth I am free to reach for the heavens. See?" You stretch your arms out, miming a tree. "What the hell, brain?" you think to yourself.
Alex lets out a sincere belly laugh. "That's very poetic of you!" she says. "Is this a meditation thing? Or maybe yoga?"
"Uh...yes! I'm totally meditating right now! This is how I do my meditation at home, but since I'm here, I thought your office looked like the most spiritual place in the building. I'm sorry I didn't think to ask permission, it's just that I didn't want to bother you and was afraid you wouldn't understand."
"Oh, aren't you sweet!" Alex says. "I think what you are doing is beautiful, and good for the soul. In fact, I might like to try this myself. May I join you?"
You suddenly realize that you have somehow dug yourself a very deep hole with this lie, and now you aren't sure what to do. You might feel like a fool now if you tell her the truth, but on the other hand, you will definitely feel real weird about doing this naked meditation thing with someone who is technically your boss. What do you do?
[[Confess to Alex that you are lying]]
[[Welcome Alex to join you in meditation]] "Why not?" you say. "I'm already stuck like this. And besides, I'm very flattered that you see me as a worthy subject for one of your paintings."
"That's fantastic, thank you so much!" Alex turns her easel toward you. "Stay right there, let me get my supplies."
Even if you wanted to move, you wouldn't be able to.
Ok, actually, you smack yourself in the face a few times. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.
"Goddammit!" you say, angrily.
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Alex returns to her easel with one of those plastic cart thingies with drawers on wheels, full of tubes of paint and brushes and other supplies.
"No, I was just...ugh. Nevermind." You strike an even more beautiful pose.
"You know," Alex says, taking her seat and dabbing a brush in one of those circular plastic paint trays. "I am so glad we hired you! You made an excellent point earlier about young girls being exposed to the arts..."
You stand there for some time, posing and having a wonderful conversation with Alex about a wide variety of topics. You never once move, but you never get tired or feel physically uncomfortable from it. You never feel mentally unconfortable, either. You feel free and beautiful, and being in control of the artist's attention gives you a mildly intoxicating feeling of power that you find yourself enjoying a great deal.
After about an hour, Alex tells you that she's finished with her painting and beckons you over to see the finished work. And magically, forces beyond your control completely free your movement and your clothes suddenly appear on your body as if you had been dressed the whole time.
"What do you think?" Alex asks as you peruse the art.
For a moment, you aren't sure how to respond. The painting is actually quite good, but it isn't a painting of the pose you had been frozen in. Instead, it's a painting of two versions of you, both seated. The you on the left is wearing white and the you on the right is wearing blue and green. You're both holding hands and your hearts are on the outside of your clothes. The you in white is holding an iPhone, and the other you is holding a Barbie doll.
"It's beautiful, Alex!" you say, ignoring the fact that she didn't at all paint your pose, not even a little. "What will you call it?"
Alex considers the question for a moment. "I believe I will call it...The Two Rookies."
You decide that you should probably return Michael's Barbie and phone to him, and Alex gives you the ok to do so. You give each other a hug and she kisses you on the cheek before sending you on your way.
[[Return the Barbie and the iPhone to Michael]]
You feel like you should really return Michael's Barbie and also his phone to him, but you don't want hurt Alex's feelings. You think it over again, seeing the hopeful look on Alex's sweet beautiful face, and ultimately decide to:
[[Accept her request to paint you]]
[[Refuse her request to paint you]] You make your way back to Michael's office/closet and find him sitting there next to the two Barbies displayed on the wall, pretending to play guitar on his broom.
"Hey Michael!" you say as you present him with the Barbie. "Look what I found! It's the Freed Frida!"
Michael drops the broom and jumps to his feet. "Holy shit!" he exclaims. "Thank you so much!!! Where did you find it!" He leans in close. "And by that I mean, which one of them stole it?"
You produce Michael's Barbie and phone. "The good news is, Alex had these! She asked me to give them back to you. Turns out, you left the Barbie in the bathroom earlier and she found it, good as new!"
"Yes!!! That's amazing!!! Thank you, Rookie!" he says as he returns the Barbie to its display position. "So...what's the bad news?"
"Well, apparently your phone is dead. Alex did put it in rice for you, but she ran it through the dishwasher first. Pretty sure that's not how you dry out a phone. Sorry."
"Eh. That sounds about right. Except it sounds more like something Soha would do. But, it's ok. I'm pretty sure dropping it in a toilet full of pee didn't help. That's what I get for peeing with my hands full. Thanks though! I'm glad my beautiful painter is back on the wall!"
"Oh, speaking of paintings," you say, "The reason it took me so long was because Alex painted a picture of me. Have you seen her paintings?"
"I have," Michael says. "They're good. What did it look like?"
You describe the painting to Michael, and he asks to see your phone. You give it to him. Normally you'd be reluctant to let someone else mess around with your phone, but you're feeling pretty relaxed after such a lovely day.
"Does this look like what she painted?" Michael asks, handing your phone back to you. You look at the photo on the screen. What you see bears a striking resemblance to the painting for which you posed: It is a picture of the painting The Two Fridas, painted by none other than Frida Kahlo herself in 1939.
"God save the Queencast," you admiringly mutter.
THE END "Sure," you say. "It's not like Michael's Barbie has disappeared forever or anything. I suppose I could help you with lunch."
Alex's face lights up. "Great! Thank you so much! You know, it's hard to get good help around here. Soha could not cook if her life depended on it. Debra can cook very well, but she stays pretty busy down in the lab. And Michael can cook, I guess. Allegedly."
You hear a sound that resembles something heavy moving across the floor a few rooms away. "Did you hear that?" you ask. "What WAS that?"
"That's a long story," Alex says. "Come. Follow me into the kitchen."
You follow Alex into the kitchen and take a look around. It's a very nice kitchen, with a fancy island in the center and pots and pans hanging from the ceiling above it, like you'd see on a tv show. There's a large, industrial looking stainless steel oven that says VULCAN on the handles, and coming from it is the most wonderful aroma.
"Lunch is mostly finished, to be truthful," Alex says. "But I can always use help keeping things chopped and stocked. The biggest mystery around here is why all the food disappears as soon as it's made." She cups her hands over her mouth and whispers sarcastically "SOHA EATS IT."
Alex motions to a cutting board on the kitchen island table, then opens one of the cabinets and produces several beautiful vegetables, then opens a drawer and grabs a giant knife. "Do you know how to chop?" She asks. Before you can respond, she immediately starts chopping the vegetables as if you were never standing there. She is clearly better at it than you, so you decide to chit chat instead of getting in her way.
"Yeah so what's Soha's deal, anyway?" you ask. "Is she, you know...ok?"
"Well since it's your first day here, I will tell you the truth," says Alex, frantically chopping. "Soha and Michael are both completely useless around here, and Debra is usually very busy doing god knows what, which leave me to do all the work. But do you think anyone ever thanks me for it? Nooooo." she starts chopping faster. "It's always 'Alex do this, Alex don't do that, Alex make me food, Alex look at my stupid Barbie doll. It just never ends. I try to please them, but it's never good enough. Even today, I was going to make us all a delicious meal using some tricks that I picked up when I was in Mexico a while back, but Soha kept insisting that I try to make this Indian lasagna thing for her and she just wouldn't let it go. Indian lasagna! Can you believe that???"
"Ohhhh, so THAT's what smells so good," you say. I've never even thought about Indian lasagna before...that actually sounds pretty fucking baller."
"Yes, yes, it will be delicious, obviously. Why do you think I'm the kitchen detective? But that's not the point. It's just that nothing is ever good enough for those two. But I will show them."
Before you can ask exactly what she has up her sleeve, the timer on Alex's phone goes off. "Fuck!" She exclaims, slamming the knife down on the table. She walks over to the doorway and yells. "Hey! Everyone, come get your fucking food!"
You start to worry as she opens the oven door and pulls the lasagna out with both hands, using no oven mitts. It doesn't even phase her. "Ok, let's get ready to eat," she says as she lights a cigarette, takes one puff, then puts the cigarette out again. "The table is already set. All we have to do now is put these veggies away and take the lasagna to the dining room. Which job do you want?"
[[Put the veggies away]]
[[Serve the lasagna]]
"I'm sorry," you say. "But I really want to prove myself to Michael. Actually, that's a lie. I don't care what Michael thinks of me. I do, however, want to find the Barbie, because Michael was acting strangely enough earlier that now I'm curious to see what all the fuss is about."
"Yes, he's peculiar," Alex agrees. "But I'm sure it's around here somewhere. It's not like one of us stole it or anything. He probably just misplaced it. Anyway, you should probably continue searching for clues."
As you start to leave the room, Alex gives you a hug and a kiss on the cheek. That's when you feel yourself get dizzy and fall to the ground, and everything goes dark.
The first thing you notice as you regain consciousness are the voices.
"Michael," you hear Soha say, "I'm telling you. You look horrifying in that getup. Why don't you leave the sexy witch outfits to us?"
"Yeah ok, but I bedazzled mine, so I'm pretty sure I actually look the best," you hear him say.
You open your eyes and look around. The room is dark, and there are lit candles all over the floor. The entire Queencast Detective Agency is standing before you, and everyone including Michael is dressed in a cheap looking (but undeiably sexy) witch costume, complete with witch hat, short skirt, the whole nine yards. You notice Michael's is covered in rhinestones that catch the light from the candles on the floor and reflect it around the room. He does look horrifying, though. Handsome, yes. But definitely horrifying.
As your senses start to fully return, you notice that your arms are tied behind your back and that you can't move. This realization is immediately followed by the realization that you are chest deep in a giant, black cauldrom full of uncomfortably warm liquid, liquid that appears to be some kind of stew or broth. It suddenly dawns on you that these detectives aren't detectives at all; that in reality, they're just crazy ass witches and apparently...they're about to cook you and eat you.
You try to scream, but it's no use. Your mouth is covered in tape and there's no way you can remove it.
"Oh, look how cute!" Alex smiles at you. "The Rookie is trying to scream for help!"
"That is cute!" Soha says. "Hashtag totesadorbs! Ooh speaking of, should I Instagram this?"
"Oh hellll no!" Debra replies. "We'll get arrested as fuck if people see this! But we do look like the baddest witches on the brooms in these outfits, so you should at least get a pic of us together while we're all dressed up."
"That's a great idea!" Soha says excitedly. "Hey Rookie, can you take this picture of us in our witch clothes? Haha, jk, we know you can't move. Womp womp."
Everybody looks at you and has a good laugh. "Here Michael, you take it," Soha says.
"Uhh, no thank you. I wanna be in it too, and besides, y'all never like any of the pics I take." Michael crosses his arms indignantly.
"Ugh, what a little baby," Soha says. "Fine, I'll snap it myself. Everybody get in close."
As Soha takes the photo, the flash blinds you for a second. When you regain your sight, you suddenly realize that you're sitting in Alex's office, and everyone is there. You are not in a giant cooking pot, and they are not dressed like sexy witches (unfortunately). Everyone looks mostly normal and incredibly concerned about you.
"What...what the fuck is going on???" You ask.
"We thought you died!" Alex says. "We were standing here and I was trying to get you to help me make lunch, and you just fell over. So I called the other Queens in and we sat you up, and now we're here."
"How long was I out?" you ask.
"I don't know, how long did that take, Alex?" Soha asks.
"A minute, maybe two? Not very long."
"Rookie," Debra says. "I need you to tell me everything you did today so we can figure out if you're ok. Now, since I used to be a nurse, I can tell you that it's nothing serious, it looks like you just passed out. But we do need to know what's going on, just in case."
"In case you don't try to sue," Soha points out. "And if you do, obviously *I* can't represent you."
You start recounting your day. "Let's see...well, Soha asked me if I wanted to follow her around, and I said no, and then she looked salty because I think she wanted me to go to Taco Bell for her. But I was like nah, and then I was looking at Michael's Barbies, and he asked me to check and see if maybe one of you stole one of them."
"Hold up. You thought we stole your stupid toy?" Debra asks Michael, annoyed.
"I mean...not really, but I had to give the Rookie something to do, and I thought that would be a good, easy mystery to solve. I honestly don't know where the hell it is."
Debra thinks for a minute, concerned. "So when you were in Michael's office...did you touch anything else?"
You think for a second, not sure where this is going. "I don't know? I wasn't in there very long. I think I moved the broom to get a better look at the Barbies, but..."
"Aw shit," Debra throws her hands up, like she suddenly figured everything out. "That explains it. "You're high as a motherfucker, trippin' your ass off is what's going on."
"Wait. What?" You're suddenly very confused. "I didn't do any drugs!"
"Ha." Debra starts laughing. "I can't believe this."
"Oh shit," Alex says. "I'm so sorry. I'll explain this, Debra."
Soha starts laughing. "Hahaha welcome to the Queencast," she says.
Alex speaks again: "So Debra had this idea for this truth serum she wanted to make, to aid her in catching people cheating on their spouses. She came to me and asked me to help her because it requires a lot of cooking, and of course Soha could not help with that."
"Psh. You mean Soha had better things to do with her time," Soha argues.
"Yeah, like sleep until noon," Debra fires back.
"11:30, actually," Soha says, proudly.
"Anyway," Alex continues, "We had to get a bunch of rotten bread and make liquid out of it. So after we did that, we added some rotten avocado to it, because the youtube video we watched said that avocado is the most truthful food you can eat."
Debra chimes in: "The youtube video also said that this is the kinda shit people used to get fucked up on back in the day, the shit that made them think they were seeing witches flying around on brooms." She starts laughing. "So when we were finished, we needed to test our recipe, and we thought it would be funny as hell to put a little on the handle of that broom in Michael's closet, to see what happend if he got a little bit in him through his skin. We wanted to see if it worked like it was supposed to, or if he'd just get all fucked up and think he was having some kind of spiritual experience. I guess we didn't realize that you might touch the broom too. But to be fair, we hired you to be a detective, not a janitor."
"You all put drugs on my broom?" Michael seems confused. "Why didn't you try it on somebody else?"
"Well, Soha's a Muslim, we can't do her like that," Debra says.
"Besides," Soha adds, "I don't even know how to sweep."
"Plus, Alex and I made this shit, we can't take it because we're too close to it. Plus I only catch man cheaters, and you're the only man we've got here, Michael. Unfortunately."
"Damn, kinda wish you would have told me," Michael says, disappointed. "I was joking when I called you witches, but if you're using witch drugs on me, that's definitely witchcraft."
"But I saw you all as witches!" You say. You had me in a cauldron and you were going to eat me like stew! And you were all wearing sexy witch costumes!"
"Really?" Soha gets serious. "And which witch was the sexiest sexy witch, hmmmmm? Say me. You'd better say me."
"Um...you?" You say. "But even Michael was wearing a sexy witch costume, and let me tell you. That was the most frightening evil hag I've ever seen!"
You and the Queens all share a good laugh at Michael's expense.
"I guess we need to work on that recipe, Alex," Debra says, turning to you. "Come on Rookie, let's go get you set up in the room with the tv. We'll put on some High Noon and get you some macaroni and cheese and a Pepsi. You'll be alright in..." she looks at her watch. "...about 72 hours, give or take."
Excitedly, you get up and follow Debra out of the room, high-fiving Soha, Alex, and Michael on the way out.
"Hey, what about me?" You turn around to see a life-sized Barbie doll dressed like Frida Kahlo sitting in the chair in Debra's office. She's smoking a cigarette and blowing heart shaped smoke rings your way.
You wave back. "God save the Queencast," you think to yourself.
THE END You decide that in a situation like this, honesty was probably always the best policy. "Well to tell you the truth," you say, I actually have NO idea what I'm doing. I'm not really meditating, though. In fact, my clothes just kind of flew off of me without my control. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't know how to explain it."
"Oh honey," Alex replies, "I was single once or twice myself. I remember the days of my clothes flying off without my control." She stares fondly into the middle distance, recalling a story that is no doubt exciting but also probably too weird to ask about right now.
You decide to snap her out of it, hoping to move on. "Oh my god I am so sorry that I am naked in your office right now! You must think I'm just the worst!"
"Aw sweetie. It's ok! I used to be a social worker, so I've seen some things," she says. "I wasn't always the kitchen detective you see before you."
"Thank you so much for understanding," you say, relaxing your arms. You start to reach for your clothes but they magically move just beyond your reach. Ignoring that, you continue: "Anyway, Michael thinks one of you stole his Frida Kahlo Barbie doll, so he sent me to spy on you guys to see who took it. You haven't seen it around here somewhere, have you?"
"Ugh," she replies. "Frida Kahlo, Frida Kahlo, Frida Kahlo. Always with the Frida Kahlo. Why do so many people always want to dress up like her? Especially white women. And have you seen that stupid Barbie? It is basically a white woman too! The skin is so light! And it's too skinny, like it's never even seen a good meal. And did you know the company that made it didn't even get permission to use her image beforehand? It is sickening to me. Michael shouldn't want that Barbie returned, it is disgraceful and insensitive, end of story."
"Yes, I agree," you say, though you aren't sure why you do agree. "But on the other hand, even in its problematic state, don't you think that it's better for girls to see a real icon as a Barbie instead of some vapid, superficial looking blonde with unnaturally large boobs? Besides, girls should take interest in arts and culture, and this might open the door for them to explore these avenues, especially if their parents are going to be buying them Barbies anyway."
Alex thinks for a second. "That may be true, Rookie. But if what Michael was saying is true, that these dolls are truly collector's items, then won't these dolls instead be coveted only by collectors? Will they not simply be bought by scavengers and scalpers in bulk to be sold to people like Michael for twice what they paid for them, or more? A young impressionable girl might never be exposed to such a doll because a 40 year old man bought it to hang it on the wall in his closet instead." She thinks for another moment. "No. I still think it is better this way, because I simply do not like this Barbie doll. I just don't like it, plain and simple."
At this point you are standing totally relaxed, and you don't even care that you're naked anymore. "So then...have you seen Michael's doll?" you ask.
"Oh. Yes, I've seen it, it's here." Alex pulls the completely unscathed Barbie from a drawer in her end table, which is covered in plants but also looks like she might have antiqued it herself. She hands the Barbie to you.
"Just because I have to ask," you say, did you take the doll? I mean I see your point about it, I wouldn't blame you if you did. But...did you?"
"No, of course not, I do not steal!" Alex replies, seemingly offended by the question. "I found it in the bathroom earlier. I think Michael was holding it when he dropped his phone in the toilet, which I suppose he was also holding, I cannot say. What I can say is that I also have his phone, which I offered to dry out in a bowl of rice for him to get it working again. Will you take this back to him as well?" She hands you the phone.
"Sure," you reply. "By the way, does that rice trick really work?"
"I don't know," she answers. "It didn't work this time, but I also had to run it through the dishwasher before drying it out, because he handed it to me covered in urine and I refused to ruin my rice with something like that. So the heat from the dishwasher might have ruined it."
You start to again reach for your clothes, and again they jump just out of your reach. Suddenly, as if you are again not in control of your movements, you strike a very beautiful, statue-esque pose.
"Ooh, Rookie!" Alex studies you. "That is a majestic pose! Would you humor me and let me paint you? I've been painting a lot lately and I need a real, living and breathing person to study. And you are definitely a beautiful one of those!"
Realizing that you are already frozen in place and unable to move, you decide to:
[[Accept her request to paint you]]
[[Refuse her request to paint you]]
Deciding that it would be career suicide for you to confess that you are lying, you accept Alex's invitation to join you. "Of course you may join me! Meditation is all about inclusivity and love!" You feel actual pain as those words fly out of your mouth and into the air, and you want to roll your eyes at yourself, but you somehow keep it together.
"I love that, too!" Alex says as she takes her clothes off. She throws them in a pile on the floor next to yours, and begins trying to mimic your pose.
At this point you're positive that you are blushing and you feel incredibly awkward. You feel like you should say something. "Hey," you blurt out, "nice socks! I have a pair of those that I got from TJ Maxx!" You have no idea why every word that comes out of your mouth right now is more of a lie than the one that came before it, but you're really on a roll.
"They are wonderful! And very comfortable, too," Alex closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, holding the pose better than you are.
You close your eyes too, hoping that relaxing will help you talk your way out of this mess. And just as the relaxation starts to pay off, you hear a voice exclaim "what in the world are you two doing?"
You both open your eyes to see Soha standing in the room, watching. "Are you two pretending to be trees? Like, nude trees or something?"
"We were planting our roots in the earth to more safely reach for heaven," Alex tells her, very matter of factly.
"Ok, but like why do you have to be naked to do that?" Soha asks suspiciously.
"Because this is us in our purest form, unhibited by the self-censorship of cloth and thread, exposed to the sunlight of our creator and breathing in that light to feed all of the leaves of our spirit," Alex says, again very matter-of-factly. You're simultaneously impressed that Alex so easily took your lie and ran with it, and also has somehow made it completely unnecessary to tell the truth at this point.
"Ok," says Soha. "That's truly the whitest shit I've heard all day."
"I feel like you're not really appreciating how beautiful this is, Soha," Alex says.
Soha laughs. "And I feel like you don't really appreciate how silly you look, but we can agree to disagree. Anyway, I'll leave you to it." As she walks out of the room, you hear her mutter "Wait until Debra hears about this. Hell, she'll probably join them. Why am I the only normal one around here?"
"Well, that was fun," says Alex, putting on her clothes. "We accomplished many things; we meditated, AND we freaked out Soha. I'd say we've had a successful day here."
You nod in agreement as your clothes magically appear back on your body, without you lifting a finger.
"So I can't remember if I asked you," Alex says, "but have you done any detective work today? It is your first day and all."
That's when you remember the actual reason you were in Alex's office in the first place.
"Oh! Yes! Thank you for reminding me! Michael asked me to find a missing Barbie doll of his. Have you seen it?"
"Michael has Barbie dolls?" Alex looks genuinely surprised. "No, I can't say I've seen anything like that. I didn't even know people still played with Barbies."
"Right?" you agree. "I'm not sure Michael actually does play with them. I think he just hangs them on his wall and...I don't know. Stares at them? Creepily?"
"Well, that's unsettling," says Alex. "But it is Michael. He's a strange man."
"Oh my god, thank you!" You feel relieved. "What's his deal, anyway? Why do you all even put up with him? Why is he even here?"
"Well, believe it or not, we wouldn't all be here in this detective agency if it wasn't for him," Alex replies. "And deep down, he's very sweet, but he's also very shy and can be prickly sometimes. And he has terrible communication skills. But he tries. And he's also very creative. He always talks about this Choose Your Own Adventure story he wants to write about our little group, but I'm not sure he'll ever finish it, even if he starts it. Does that answer your question?"
"Yeah, it does," you say. "Now I feel bad, I had him all wrong. I thought he was just some crazy guy you found to do experiments on or something."
"Well, we do that too," Alex says. "But don't tell him that. Anyway, what are you going to do about the missing doll?"
"I guess I'll find it. And if I don't, maybe I'll just buy him a new one." You get out your phone and look up the doll on eBay. "Yikes. A hundred dollars? I'd best get to looking."
Alex gives you a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Well, I hope you find it!"
"Me too," you say. "If it turns up, I'll let you know."
As you leave the room, Alex calls out to you. "Oh Rookie, don't forget...God save the Queencast!"
THE END "Don't worry, Alex, I'll take care of everything in here," you say. "You go ahead and join the others, have a seat. I will only be a second."
"Fine," Alex murmurs under her breath as she scoops up the lasagna and takes it out into the living room. "Fine."
You scoop the chopped veggies up and put them in a plastic storage container you find in one of the cabinets. With Alex's frustration in mind, you decide to go the extra mile and wash the knife and some of the other things you see lying around the kitchen. After giving them a good rinse, you open the dishwasher and notice something very strange: the dishwasher is completely empty, except for what appears to be a partially melted cell phone in the top tray. "What an odd thing to find," you remark, putting the phone in your pocket.
Once everything else is mostly cleaned up, you round up the remaining food scraps and the plastic bags that the vegetables had previously been stored in, and walk to the trash can to put it away. As you open the door with the foot pedal, you recognize what seems to be the remains of the packaging for one of Michael's Barbies. Sitting the food trash on the counter, you reach into the can and pull out the package. It looks as though someone forcibly ripped the package open and removed the Barbie.
At that moment, you hear a loud, blood-curdling scream come from the dining area. You throw the Barbie trash and the food trash in the can and race to the dining area, to see the three Queens and Michael sitting at the table. Soha is very visibly upset, and is holding the partially food-covered head of a Barbie doll and yelling at Alex.
"What in the living, breathing fuck, Alex?" she screams.
"It's the Frida!" Michael exclaims in a shocked tone. He then starts digging around in his lasagna and pulls out what looks like an arm. "Alex, did you cook my fucking Barbie in a lasagna and serve it to us?" He bewilderedly asks.
"Yes! I did that! I am guilty!" She retorts. "I killed your love and baked it in my cuisine! How do you like that! Ha!"
"I don't have any body parts in mine, and I think it's pretty tasty, Alex," Debra says, clearly not affected by this new shocking revelation.
"This is like some Shakespeare shit Alex," Soha is now digging through the serving tray of lasagna. She produces the bulk of the Barbie's body and a tiny, food covered blue dress. "Wow, did you strip it down and cook its clothes, too?"
"I did it all! I did it! I am guilty! And that's what you get!" Alex says, pointing at Michael.
"Wait, what did I do?" Michael asks, sadly looking over the remains of his lost Barbie.
"You drive me crazy, Michael!" Alex yells. "You and Soha both! The two of you are always constantly asking things of me, never thanking me for it, never once acting like you appreciate everything I do to contribute around here."
"Wowww," Soha says. "So your response to that was to chop up Michael's toy and bake it into the food I asked you to make? That's
hardcore."
"What else was I supposed to do? Talking to you doesn't help, you're both children and niether of you know how to even fucking say thank you!"
"Whoa, whoa," Michael says. "Is that what this is about? Oh my god, Alex. I am so sorry! Like, sincerely. I had no idea how thoughtless we were being and that it was affecting you so poorly. That's awful that we drove you to this, it truly is."
"Now you're just trying to save your own ass," Alex says accusingly. "You don't really mean that or else you would have been more attentive before now!"
"No no," Michael says. "I do mean that, I'm really really sorry. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own shit. I just struggle so hard making sense out of everything in my life, that I forget to consider the feelings of others and the consequences my actions have. I don't mean to offer that as an excuse for my bad behavior, I'm just saying that I know I could be more mindful of your needs and I'd like to try to do a better job of that going forward. Please forgive my shortcomings, but I promise, I really will try a lot harder in the future."
"Wow," Alex says, surprised. "That's actually very thoughtful of you. Thank you for finally realizing the effects of your actions. Apology accepted. Soha, do yo have anything to say?"
"Just that I think this feelings crap is lame," Soha says. "But, I'm sorry too, Alex. I didn't realize how demanding I can be. I'll try harder too. But still, look at this scene; We're all sitting around a table full of delicious food, having a conversation that we could have easily had without the clothes and body parts of Michael's Barbie cooked into a lasagna like we're in Hamlet or something."
"Titus Andronicus," Michael corrects her smugly.
"Cram it, dink," Soha says. "So, if you could have just explained to us what the problem was, maybe this all could have been resolved differently and maybe in a manner that was a little less gruesome."
"I suppose you are correct," Alex says. "Well, I guess we've all learned something today. I know I have. Debra, did you learn anything?"
"God save the Queencast?" Debra says with a mouth full of Indian lasanga.
Everyone laughs and hugs as the closing theme to the Queencast plays. You all live happily ever after.
THE END "I think I'll serve the food," you say. "But really, if you would like to take a breather, I will happily do both things for you, and you can relax for a second. It sounds like you could use a break."
"A break, Rookie? And what is that supposed to mean?"
"I'm just saying, self love is the most important love," you cautiously explain. "Please, it would be my pleasure."
"If pleasure is what you are seeking," Alex says, "Then you have come to the wrong detective agency."
"No, I just..."
"Just take this lasagna and go," Alex barks. "Go!"
With that, you put on a pair of oven mitts, grab a trivet and a spatula, and make your way into the dining area with the lasagna, where Debra and Soha and Michael are sitting, hungrily waiting and chatting away.
"...so this motherfucker says 'yeah, it's been raining for a week straight,'" you catch Debra mid-sentence. "So it gives me this idea, right? What if I could make some kind of body lotion that, when applied to your body, produced the same effect that Rain X has on a windshield, and it always kept you dry? And there could be some kind of laundry detergent that did the same thing to your clothes! So I say this to the guy, and he basically tells me I'm crazy. Shit, he doesn't have to tell me that! But it is what it is."
"How would you even do that?" Soha asks. "And what happens if idiots try to eat it like Tide Pods?"
You sit the lasagna on the trivet in front of them and they all marvel at its deliciousness.
"That looks incredible!" Soha says. "Now I feel bad, I was just joking around about the Indian lasagna, she totally didn't have to make that."
"Has anyone ever told you that sometimes your jokes don't always land with the proper amount of hilarity?" Michael asks.
"Just you, white man," she replies. "Except...you're always wrong, and *I* am always hilarious. Besides," she says as she starts helping herself to a heaping portion of lasagna, "I get results. Just look at this lasagna. I just hope it's vegetarian like I requested."
Alex walks into the room and sits down, looking more calm and happy than she seemed in the kitchen. She watches everyone help themselves to her delicious food, and you notice she doesn't actually get any for herself.
"You gonna eat, Alex?" you ask.
"No, maybe later. I don't have much of an appetite right now. But I will enjoy watching the rest of you dine. So please, help yourself."
You dump a heaping pile of lasagna on your plate and take a bite. It is somehow the perfect blend of italian and indian food, and you suddenly can't remember how you ever lived without this until now.
Your enjoyment is short-lived, however. As you enjoy that first bite, Soha lets out a loud, high pitched screech as if a spider just crawled across her face.
"Oh my god!" You yell, standing up with your knife in hand. "What is it???"
"There's a head in my food!" she screams hysterically. "A human fucking head!" As she says this, she reaches into her lasagna and pulls a tiny, female head with a unibrow out of the food by the hair of its head. "What in the living, breathing fuck, Alex?" she screams.
"It's the Frida!" Michael exclaims in a shocked tone. He then starts digging around in his lasagna and pulls out what looks like an arm. "Alex, did you cook my fucking Barbie in a lasagna and serve it to us?" He bewilderedly asks.
"Yes! I did that! I am guilty!" She retorts. "I killed your love and baked it in my cuisine! How do you like that! Ha!"
"I don't have any body parts in mine, and I think it's pretty tasty, Alex," Debra says, clearly not affected by this new shocking revelation.
"This is like some Shakespeare shit Alex," Soha is now digging through the serving tray of lasagna. She produces the bulk of the Barbie's body and a tiny, food covered blue dress. "Wow, did you strip it down and cook its clothes, too?"
"I did it all! I did it! I am guilty! And that's what you get!" Alex says, pointing at Michael.
"Wait, what did I do?" Michael asks, sadly looking over the remains of his lost Barbie.
"You drive me crazy, Michael!" Alex yells. "You and Soha both! The two of you are always constantly asking things of me, never thanking me for it, never once acting like you appreciate everything I do to contribute around here. I can't take it anymore!"
"Wowww," Soha says. "So your response to that was to chop up Michael's toy and bake it into the food I asked you to make? That's hardcore."
"What else was I supposed to do? Talking to you doesn't help, you're both children and niether of you know how to even fucking say thank you!"
"Thank you..." Michael says, "...for feeding me the most expensive toy I've ever bought, disguised as delicious lasagna. I bet this never happened to Garfield."
Alex lets out a pained "ugh!" and storms out of the room.
"You guys *are* pretty ingrateful," Debra says. "I'm just calling it like I see it.
"What does 'thank you' actually mean, Debra?" Soha asks. "I mean, how are you supposed to use that phrase in a sentence?"
"Aw shit, just eat the food," Debra says, rolling her eyes. The four of you spend the remainder of the meal in silence, picking parts of Michael's Barbie out of the lasagna as you eat it.
Standing in her office alone, Alex looks up into the heavens at me, the person who wrote this story. In a storm of frustration that is strong enough to break the fourth wall, she says "Really? That's how the story ends? No resolution? Nobody learns anything? I'm just standing in my office alone, upset at the rest of them?"
"I'm really sorry, Alex," I reply. "I wrote myself into a corner and didn't know how to end that particular plot thread. I got as far as ripping off Titus Andronicus but didn't know where to take it from there. At some point you have to move on to one of the other story paths, I guess. And sometimes in real life, there's no happy ending and no resolution. Sometimes it's ok for fiction to do that too, although most people don't think so."
"Well, I think you've been spending too much time on this story and you're starting to confuse yourself with all these clever little twists and turns, and you're writing too many words in each story panel and you have far too many story panels, as well. What do you think about that?" Alex crosses her arms, waiting for my reply.
"I think...God save the Queencast?" I say, as I finish typing this sentence, preparing to write 'THE END' as my closing sentence so I can go to fucking bed.
THE END You politely decline to step into Debra's time machine. "Maybe later," you say.
"Ah, that's ok," says Debra. "But, if this thing works like it's supposed to, can you imagine all the cheaters I'll be able to catch? Anyway, it does another thing, too, and I KNOW this works, because I've tried it. Watch this." She walks over to the table with the beaker on it, and pulls a loaf of what looks like moldy Butternut white bread from below the table. She walks over to the time machine and sticks the loaf of bread in.
"Now this moldy bread is completely useless if you aren't a scientist like me," she says. "But..." she presses the giant blue button on the metal box and the time machine starts shaking. The lights flicker on and off and the tvs playing Cheaters suddenly say "no signal" on them. But then you hear a ding, which sounds like an iPhone text notification.
"Look!" Debra yells. She opens the door to the time machine and there on the floor where the bread was seconds ago, is a pristine white serving dish with a mountain of fresh, hot macaroni and cheese, sitting next to a brand new unopened 2 liter of Pepsi. "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!" Debra yells, clearly pleased with herself. "A time machine that'll turn anything you want into macaroni and cheese and a Pepsi!" She hands you the serving dish and a fork. You take a bite and it is fucking delicious. You can't actually believe it!
The two of you continue shooting the breeze about science while you eat, and then you remember that you came down here looking for Michael's Barbie. As you try to chew up your last bite of macaroni and cheese, Debra notices the look on your face.
"What's up, Rookie? You look concerned," She says as she takes the serving dish from you.
[[Ask Debra if she's seen Michael's Barbie]]
"You know," you say to Debra, "I've always wanted to be a time traveller. And to be the first one here at the Queencast Detective Agency? That's a dream come true!"
"Now that's what I like to hear!" Debra says, clapping enthusiastically. "Ok! There's no time to waste. Go ahead and step into the time machine!"
You walk over to the time machine to inspect it. Your gut is telling you that this could go horribly wrong, but your brain is telling you that even if it *does* go horribly wrong, it's worth it. After all, how often do you get to be a part of history like this?
Ignoring your gut, you step into the time machine. It's much roomier than it looks on the outside, and you estimate that it could easily hold three or four people.
"Alright, here's the deal," Debra says. She hands you what looks like a very sophisticated bluetooth earpiece. "You need to put this on, because I'm 99% sure this will help me communicate with you while you're in a different time."
You put the earpiece on and take a deep breath as Debra slides the door closed. You can still see and hear everything going on in the room.
"Now, since this is just a test run, we're going to try something easy. I'm sending you back to the beginning of today. That way you'll have access to this time machine and I'll be able to bring you back when you're ready. But this next part I'm about to tell you is VERY IMPORTANT, understand?"
You nod yes.
"Ok. Whatever you do. WHATEVER YOU DO. Do NOT make contact with anyone except me. Hell, normally I'd say don't even make contact with me because even that could fuck everything up, but it's the only way I know of for now that'll get you back here. But no. No contact with anyone but me, and especially...ESPECIALLY don't make contact with yourself. Stay out of sight. Do you understand?"
"Why?" you ask. You actually don't understand.
"Because making contact with anyone at all, especially yourself, could rip the space-time continuum to shreds and destroy the world. I mean, dead, all of us, like we were never even here. Do I make myself clear?"
You start to worry. Your gut is very loudly telling you that this is probably a mistake. You suddenly find yourself very conflicted about whether or not time travel is something to be fucked with, especially by a rookie detective like yourself. But on the other hand, the curiosity is killing you.
Before things go too far, you need to make a decision about whether or not you're seriously going to go through with this. What is your decision, Rookie?
[[You still want to go through with it]]
[[Nah. On second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea]]
You walk over to the bongos to check them out. They are a vibrant red color, and are fairly small. You lift them up to notice they are surprisingly light. You tap on the small one lightly with your finger and it makes a deeper and more resonate sound than you would have expected. You tap on the bigger one, a little more forcefully this time, and it lets out a deeper, bassier tone.
Before you know it, you are balls deep in an exotic Afro-Cuban rhythm, and you are totally feeling yourself. As you start to get lost in daydreams of touring the world as your own one-Rookie percussive ensemble, you notice Alex dancing into the room. She's a little off-rhythm and kinda dancing like a white girl, but she's definitely feeling herself too.
"Wow, Rookie, you have some honest to goodnes soul!" she says, continuing to dance like it's closing time and Don't Stop Believin' just came on.
"Thanks!" you say, banging harder. "I LOVE these things, I've never played them before!"
"Well, I would not have noticed if you didn't tell me," she says.
"Alright, I'm gonna bring it home, on four!" you launch into an alternating pattern of ratamacues (you don't know that's the name of what you're doing, but that's what you're doing, k?) before your big finish. With both hands you count 1...2...3...4!
Perfectly in time with the 4th count, you both hear something that you immediately recognize as metal pots and pans hitting a tile floor.
"That was quite a finish!" Alex says, trying to catch her breath as she smiles. "You really brought the house down!"
"I don't think that was me," you say. "That sounded like it was coming from the kitchen."
"Oh?" Alex grins even wider. "Oh! A real kitchen mystery! Should we go investigate?"
"Well, I'm sort of already in the middle of a mystery," you say. "Michael already put me to work. That's why I'm in here, actually. I came to see if you've seen a Barbie lying around, and then I saw your bongos and got distracted."
"Well, I haven't seen any Barbies around here," Alex replies. "But if you'd like to join me solving this kitchen mystery, I will help you look for it when we're finished."
You think for a second. On one hand you'd sort of like to continue looking for Michael's Barbie, for no other reason than because you're just really bad at multi-tasking. But on the other hand, that was a spectacular crashing sound you just heard, and you *are* interested to see what caused it.
You think for a second, and decide to:
[[Continue searching for Michael's Barbie]]
[[Agree to investigate the kitchen with Alex]] "Well, as much as I would love to help you solve this kitchen mystery," you say, "I think I'm going to continue looking for Michael's Barbie. Not because I wouldn't love to join you, but because I'm super bad at multi-tasking and really think I should solve one mystery at a time until I get used to this whole detectiving thing."
"I understand," Alex says. "I could only handle one mystery at a time when we first started too. But don't worry, you'll get used to multiple mysteries happening at once. You'll get used to multiple things happening at the same time for multiple reasons, some of them overlapping and some of them being frustratingly unrelated. Some day I know you will be a great detective. Now if you'll excuse me..." Alex gives you a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and leaves the room.
Believing that Alex probably wasn't the one who stole Michael's Barbie (and still believing that *nobody* actually stole Michael's Barbie), you decide to investigate one of the other queens. From Alex's office, you can either go left to investigate Debra's office, or right to investigate Soha's. You ultimately choose to:
[[Investigate Debra]]
[[Investigate Soha]] "You know, yes. Let's go solve the kitchen mystery," You say.
"Ooh, fantastic! I'm already going to guess that whatever the mystery is, Soha is probably behind it," Alex posites. "It's usually Soha or Michael that ends up being responsible for all of our mysteries anyway. Those two can't even tie their shoes without help. It's funny because, before we started the agency, Soha was clearly a more capable person. Did you know she was on the board of the A-C-L-U?"
"Oh, you mean the Ack-loo?" You say, obnoxiously pronouncing all the letters as a word and not an abbreviation.
"I'm sorry, I don't understand," Alex says.
"Nevermind," you say. "Anyway, shall we investigate the kitchen?"
"Of course, follow me!"
[[Follow Alex into the kitchen]] You follow Alex into the kitchen and take a look around. It's a very nice kitchen, with a fancy island in the center like you'd see on a tv show. There's a large, industrial looking stainless steel oven that says VULCAN on the handles.
But juxtaposed against this idyllic fantasy kitchen is a ghastly sight indeed: Several heavy looking pots and pans that had once been hanging suspended from a ceiling rack above the island are now scattered across the floor. All of the cabinet doors are open and dishes have fallen out, shattered and scattered their remains everywhere. The fridge is open and all of the condiment jars inside it seem to have exploded. All of the framed pictures and art that was once on the walls is now lying in broken, busted up frames on the floor. However, the one thing that you notice is conspicous by its absence, is any person at all that might offer something in the way of an explanation as to why it looks like a highly localized tornado has specifically targeted the kitchen of the Queencast Detective Agency.
"Yes," says Alex, scooping some mayonnaise off the floor with her index finger and closely examining it. "This would appear to be Soha's doing. I think she's the perp."
"But why?" You ask. "I know I'm just a Rookie, but what's her game? Just what do you think is going down?"
"Well, like I said, she's totally incapable of taking care of herself," says Alex as she licks the mayonnaise off her finger and makes a terribe face. "But sometimes, she gets hungry. And sometimes when she's hungry, she's too lazy to drive herself to Taco Bell. And sometimes, when she's hungry and is too lazy to drive herself to Taco Bell, she tries to get one of us to do it for her. And when we refuse, sometimes the hunger takes over and bad things happen. Nobody quite knows why."
"Bad, as in 'detonate a bomb in the kitchen' bad?" You ask, regretting what you fear might be some kind of accidentally implied racism in the question you just asked. "So where do you suppose she is now? Sounds like we need some answers here." You cross your arms, feeling determined.
"She's probably back in her office right about now," Alex says. "Come on Rookie. Or should I say, lieutenant? We have a real mystery on our hands."
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Hallway, 10:40 am]]
You follow Alex into the Hallway, and she immediately puts her left hand up to stop you while putting the mayonnaise covered index finger of her right hand to her lips, as if to tell you to be quiet. She then silently motions to a figure at the end of the hall in a camouflage jacket with little butterfly pins all over it. The figure's head is also covered in what appears to be a camouflage scarf. The figure appears to be moving around very mysteriously. The figure appears to be Soha.
"Look," Alex whispers. "That figure appears to be Soha." The two of you continue watching the figure who doesn't yet notice you. She's moving around all sneaky-like, investigating things in the front office at the end of the hall like she's casing the joint. You aren't so sure about Alex's claim that it is in fact Soha, and now Alex doesn't seem to be too sure about that, either.
Deciding it's better to be safe than sorry, Alex calls out to the figure. "Hey...Soha? Is that you?"
The figure spins around to get a look at the two of you. It very clearly is Soha, so when she frantically makes a break for the front door after seeing the two of you, it's confusing.
"Lieutenant, we have a runner, I repeat we have a runner!" Alex says to your face, as if talking through a walkie-talkie.
"Yeah? But it's...Soha, right? So..."
"Not now, lieutenant! Go! After that suspicious Muslim! I'll stay here and try to clean up the mess in this kitchen! That's what I do!" Alex pushes you and you start the lowest stakes (yet highest speed) foot chase in history.
As you run, you think about how some of the things you and Alex both said in the last few minutes might possibly sound racist, but how they also describe the current scenario with a degree of hilarity. However, you don't have time to ponder it. You soon find yourself hopping over the desk in the front office and bolting out the door, in hot pursuit of the suspect.
"What do we actually suspect her of?" you find yourself wondering as you speed across the unreasonably large parking lot of the building, nearing the perp. Soon, the perp reaches a dead end, where the large industrial trash can for the building sits in front of a fence. She glances back at you and then looks at the dumpster again. She then tries to hop on top of it, you assume so that she can jump the fence to escape from you. She fails. She then tries to climb on top, the way you would see a toddler climbing out of a swimming pool, but apparently gets one leg stuck as she lifts it up.
This whole scenario gives you more than enough time to stop running, and casually walk up to her as she gets herself unstuck. Feeling a bit lost in the moment, you grab her by the collar and slam her against the dumpster.
"Owww, geez!" Soha says, wincing in pain. "Take it easy, man, I didn't do nothin'! You ain't got no proof!"
"Settle down," you say, catching your breath. "Nobody's accusing you of anything. I just wanna ask you a few questions, that's all."
"Yeah? Well I ain't got nothin' to say to you, how 'bout dat? Now you done caught me ousside, I ain't givin' you nothin'."
You continue to hold her against the dumpster, trying to catch your breath. You wonder why such a highly educated woman of enough local renown to be on the cover of a magazine (in a photo she does not care for), and who speaks more than one language is talking and acting like a common street thug, but she interrupts your thought.
"Well?" she says, "ain't you gonna read me my rights?"
[[Read Soha her rights]]
[[Haul her ass downtown]]
"Uhhh..." you think for a second, trying to remember all those episodes of Law and Order you watched where they read people their Miranda rights. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you..."
"You can't keep me quiet!" she yells. "This is goin' on my insta! Everybody's gonna know! I got every judge in town on my side, you'll see!"
You push her against the dumpster again. "Uhhhh...you have the right to an attorney..."
Upon hearing this, Soha manages to reach into her camouflage jacket and pull a business card from an inside pocket. You look it over.
"I help people find things they've misplaced, like keys and stuff," you say, reading the card. "And it has your name on it."
"Yeah, dipshit," she says."It's cuz I represent MYSELF! Boom!"
You think to yourself that you really would fancy a pair of handcuffs right about now. "Ok," you say, "I'm done playing games with you. I've already seen this card once today and I'm not gonna look at it again. Come on slimeball." You turn Soha around and march her into the building.
[[Queencast Detective Agency, your office, 10:45 am]] "Look, if you aren't gonna play nice, you ain't got no rights," you say, irritated that now *you* are the one talking like a thug. You clear your throat. "I'm gonna haul your ass downtown, my friend, and you can answer some questions there. I guarantee my partner ain't gonna be as understanding as I am, and trust me my friend, I don't understand at all."
"Yeah? Well you still ain't gonna get nothin' outta me until my attorney is present, so you best give her ass a call if you know what's up." She manages to reach into her camouflage jacket and pull a business card from an inside pocket. You look it over.
"I help people find things they've misplaced, like keys and stuff," you say, reading the card. "And it has your name on it."
"Yeah, dipshit," she says."It's cuz I represent MYSELF! Boom!"
You think to yourself that you really would fancy a pair of handcuffs right about now. "Ok," you say, "I'm done playing games with you. I've already seen this card once today and I'm not gonna look at it again. Come on slimeball." You turn Soha around and march her into the building.
[[Queencast Detective Agency, your office, 10:45 am]] "Look," you say. "The sooner you agree to play ball, the sooner we can all get out of here."
Soha is sitting at your desk, and you and Alex are standing in front of the desk, looming over her with your arms crossed. Alex reaches into her pocket and produces a pack of cigarettes. "Smoke?"
Soha takes a cigarette and Alex lights it for her.
"Ok, ugh. Fine. What do you want to know?"
"We want to know why you made such a big mess in the kitchen," Alex says. "What were you doing in there? Were you hungry? Were you bored?" She puts her phone on the table and slides it in front of Soha. You can see a picture of the kitchen that Alex posted on instagram with a caption of three laughing emojis with tears coming out of their eyes. "We want to know why you did THIS."
Soha picks up the phone and studies the photo while taking a drag from her cigarette. "Sorry, I ain't got nothin' for you. Maybe it was some other brown girl. Some damn fine work though." She hands the phone back to Alex while trying and failing to blow smoke in Alex's face.
"Alright sister. Enough with the bullshit," Alex says, her voice raised. She is clearly having none of this at this point. "Now, what the fuck are we talking about here? Do you seriously expect me to believe that you didn't do this? You're the only one who could have! Or would have. Michael and Debra probably could have but...No! We know you made this mess! All of our dishes are ruined, and not only that, I am NEVER making you food ever again!!!"
You look at the time on your phone. It's 10:45. You've been here slightly less than two hours and you're already exhausted and regretting taking this job.
"Hey. Hey you," Soha says to you, in a subdued voice. "You gotta believe me, kid. Somebody else did this. Y'all can't profile me like this, it's not fair! I didn't do it, that's all. You believe me, don't ya? Whatever your name is?"
"It's LIEUTENANT to you," you answer. And before you get a chance to tell her that you most certainly do not believe her, you hear a blood curdling scream coming from down the hall.
"It's Michael," Alex says. "Something is wrong...again. We have to go."
You look back at Soha. "What are we gonna do about *her*?" you ask, pointing your finger at the girl wearing too much camouflage.
"Let her go. For now..." Alex says. "We don't have much of a case and she's not being very cooperative. I don't think we have enough evidence hold her."
"Fine," you say. "Get out of my sight, slimeball." Soha smiles and stands. "But don't you forget...we know how to find you. This isn't over, not by a longshot."
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Michael's office/closet, 10:51 am]] "So what's wrong, Michael?" Alex asks. "Did you drop another valuable item in your own pee again?"
"Gross," you remark.
Michael is sitting on a stool in his office/closet, clearly stressed out. "I don't know," he says. "I'm just freaking out right now. I don't know what to do."
"Alright, calm down. Tell us everything," you say. "We just wanna help out."
"Well, let's see..." Michael takes a cigarette out of his trashy looking cigarette holder with a trashy looking skull on it, and begins smoking. "So when I first got here this morning, I went to the bathroom to pee. I was looking at my phone while I was peeing and I dropped the phone in the toilet."
"Gross," you remark again.
"So I took my phone to Alex to see if she'd ever done that before. And she said that she had, or at least had gotten it wet, maybe without pee."
"Correct," Alex says. "This has all happened and I have never droppped my phone in my own urine."
"Ok how's about a moratorium on the pee talk, guys?" You ask.
"So Alex said that she put her phone in a bowl of rice and it worked like new again, and offered to put my phone in a bowl of rice. So then I go back to my office, and my Frida Kahlo Barbie was missing!"
"Yes, yes, we already know all this," Alex says. "How about getting to the screaming part?"
"Well, so I was wondering what was up with my phone, so I came out to ask you about it, and I saw you and the Rookie here..."
"Um, that's lieutenant to you, Jack," you correct him.
"Sorry...you and the lieutenant were having a little bongo party in your office, so I didn't want to bother you. Anyway I go into the kitchen to find my phone. I couldn't find it, so I came back to my office, and that's when I noticed this!" Michael motions to the wall, where you immediately notice there's only one Barbie hanging. "Someone stole my other Barbie! There's only one left! By the way, Alex. You do have my phone, right?"
A surprisingly well-timed call comes in to Alex's own phone as she starts to answer. "Oh, this is important! I have to take this," she says, looking relieved. She walks out of the room, talking on the phone.
You eye Michael suspiciously. "Sooo...when we were playing bongos. You were in the kitchen?"
"That's correct," Michael says. "But not for very long. I noticed my phone wasn't there, so I came back to my office here."
"So that's it, then?" You think for a second, then lean in close, looking Michael directly in the eye. "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me, detective?"
Michael looks confused. "I mean, I ran into Soha on my way back, she insulted me and called me some names. So business as usual, really."
"Seems like Michael is telling the truth," you think.
"Michael," you say, "we have reason to believe that Soha is connected to a series of weird happenings around here today, happenings that might include stealing both of your Barbies. Do you think that's a possibility?"
"The first one, absolutely," he says. "But what I don't get, lieutenant, is how she got in here and got the Barbie without the sensors catching her and trapping her in here. Did I hook the security up incorrectly? Because if it's working as it should, there would need to be two people to pull off a heist like that, which would mean she has a partner in crime."
Alex walks into the room. "That was Debra," she says, looking troubled. "She says there's something in her lab that she needs to show us, immediately. You need to come too, Michael."
"Lab?" Michael looks confused. "What lab? There's a lab? Debra has a lab?"
"Oh no," Alex sighs. "You were gonna find out sooner or later. Well, come on, everybody. We can discuss this on the way."
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Debra's Lab, 11:04 am]] Michael can't believe what he sees. "There's whole big science lab down here?" he asks, unbelieving of his own eyes. "There's a fucking basement in this building!? Were any of you planning to tell me about this?"
"We were," Debra says. "Just not yet. I wanted to...uh...surprise you?"
You take a look around for yourself. You have to admit, it is pretty impressive. You're standing in some kind of science lab that you could only reach by Alex saying a magic word of some kind upstairs, after which a large bookshelf in the room moved to reveal a staricase that you followed down into a basement; none of which did Michael know about, and all of which blew his mind.
There are scales and beakers full of chemicals on a nearby table, and just beyond where Alex and Debra are standing there's what appears to be some kind of larger than usual computer tower type thing, buzzing and whirring. And just beyond that, there's a human-sized contraption that looks like a phone booth crossed with a dildo. You notice two very nice flat screen tvs on the far wall, both of which appear to be playing episodes of Cheaters, on mute.
"Y'all need to take a look at this," Debra says, picking up a remote to one of the tvs. You look over at the screen on the one that is now not playing an episode of Cheaters, to see some kind of black and white surveillance footage of the lab.
"Now this is the lab a few hours ago before I showed up. I know I'm usually here way before you guys show up, but this morning I was...busy."
You look at Alex, who is smiling. "Yes, go on," she says.
"Well, anyway. I got here later than usual. And then when I was checking this footage out like I always do on my lunchbreak, I saw this wild shit."
"Wait, what time do you eat lunch?" you ask. "It's not even noon yet."
"Honey, I've been up since 3:30 this morning, this is almost the evening for me," she says. "Now be quiet and watch."
You all stand silently, watching the surveillance footage. For a minute, nothing happens. Then suddenly, you see Soha walk into frame by the phone booth/dildo thing, whatever that is. You see her doing something to her phone, and then she steps into the phone booth thing and shuts the door.
The phone booth comes to life: lights begin flashing, all the power in the basement flickers on and off. When everything returns to stillness, the door to the phone booth opens...and two Sohas step out, high fiving. They then walk out of frame.
"What the fuck?" You all say together.
"As you can see," Debra says as she turns off the tv, "We are clearly dealing with a bad bitch that apparently knows how to use my time machine."
"That's a time machine!?" you and Michael both say, minds all the way blown.
"Yes, honey!" Debra says proudly. "I made a time machine! Not only that, there's a button here that turn everything into macaroni and cheese!"
"And Pepsi!" Alex adds.
"That's fantastic!" You say. "But...can you explain what we just saw?"
"Hell no I can't!" Debra says. "But it looks to me like Soha used the time machine and...I don't know...she somehow figured out how to clone herself? And now she's friends with herself? But hey, I don't know everything. That's just a guess."
The four of you stand there silently for a second, trying to make sense of all this.
"Where are the Sohas now?" Alex asks. "I think we need to talk to them. Or at least one of the Sohas. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty confused right now."
"Yeah, I don't really get any of this either," you say. But one thing is clear, this is a tale of two Sohas."
"You built a fucking time machine???" Michael asks.
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Soha's office, 12:00 pm]] You, Alex, Debra, and Michael are standing in front of Soha in her office. It is a real disaster. I mean, there's just shit scattered everywhere. It looks like the only thing she's every bothered to clean in this nasty ass room is the giant, 6 foot tall human-sized mirror in the corner. There are shoes everywhere and fast food wrappers all over the place, as well as different kinds of make up. There are also a bunch of loose papers and documents scattered everywhere.
"So if I'm hearing you correctly," Soha says, "it sounds like you're accusing me of using the time machine in the basement...which until right this very second, I had no idea even worked...to somehow make a clone of myself, and now there are two of me in this building? And you think we're doing weird twin stuff together? And you think we blew the kitchen up with a bomb!? RUDE. And RACIST."
"Something like that," Alex says.
"Let's explore this weird twin stuff," Michael says, perking up.
"Not the time, pervert," you snap.
"I mean, I can't lie," Soha says. I *would* be the coolest person I can think of to hang out with. I'd have so much in common with myself! We could go shopping together, go see movies, do each other's make up, it would be great! And it would really freak my sisters out, which I mean, come on. That alone is a good enough reason to sign on the dotted line."
"So, you didn't know about the time machine either?" Michael says.
"Well, yes and no. Debra talked to me about it at Boot Camp a lot for a while, and I've seen the phone booth thing, but I didn't know she actually got it working, I thought it was just another one of her mad scientist projects."
"I didn't get it working!" Debra says. "I mean I got the mac and cheese converter working, but I was still tweaking the time travel part. I had no idea what it could do. And apparently one of the things it can do is clone my only Muslim friend. So I guess now I have two Muslim friends."
"You better not choose her over me, DEBRA," Soha threatens.
"Ok. Turns out, now we have to find Clone Soha and then..." you look at the rest of the group, worried. "...what...what do we do if we find her?" You still can't wrap your head around this crazy scenario, and thinking about how all of this might conclude in a satisfying way is giving you a major headache. You'd really prefer to just lie down with your cat and watch YouTube videos instead of dealing with it. But you must carry on, for time is of the essence.
"I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Debra says. "I think we need to split up and look for her. She couldn't have gotten far. Alex, you take the Rookie..."
"Lieutenant," you correct her.
"Alex," Debra says, "you take the ROOKIE here, and look around on the ground floor. I'll take Michael and Soha down in the basement. These two need to stay with me, I don't want either one of them fucking anything up...AGAIN," she glares at Soha.
"I'm telling you, I didn't do anything!" Soha says defensively.
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Front Lobby, 12:45 pm]]
"I guess there's nothing to do now but sit and wait for the other Soha to arrive," you say. "Yep. We'll just sit here, and have an existential crisis. No big."
"Shhhh..." Alex says, looking through her binoculars. "I see something."
"Why do you need binoculars? We're literally just sitting in the lobby. What do you see? Is it Soha's clone?"
"Look, over there," Alex hands you the binoculars and points to the distance, beyond the parking lot. You look through the binoculars to where Alex was pointing to see a fit looking, attractive girl wearing skimpy workout clothes, bending down to touch her toes with her backside facing you.
You shove the binoculars back into Alex's hands. "You're the worst," you say.
"Do you think she's single?" Alex asks. Her earnestness when asking this question makes you snort.
"Yall's stakeout can S a fat D, bitches! Am I right?" Says a voice coming from behind you. You and Alex both turn around to see Soha, or what you assume must be Soha's clone.
"Stay right there!" you say, as you run over and slam Soha's clone against the wall.
"My my, aren't we aggressive?" Clone Soha says, smiling. "People are gonna think this is scandalous. Can't have none of that."
"Keep her there!" Alex yells. "I will alert the others!" Alex doesn't budge, opting instead to send a text to Debra. "There! Don't move! They're coming!"
In a matter of moments, there are two Sohas, you, Alex, Debra, and Michael, standing in the lobby of the Queencast Detective Agency. The two Sohas are studying each other approvingly.
"You know," Original Soha says, "I didn't believe any of you and I thought this scheme y'all concoted sounded prettty stupid. But now that I can see myself the way other people see me, I think I made the right choice in cloning myself. Except, I still don't remember ever doing that."
Clone Soha gives Original Soha a high five. "Yeah, girl, you killin' it!" she says.
"First of all," Alex demands, "Where did you go? I thought we said for you not to go anywhere?"
"Ummm, no, you totes didn't say that, and I totes did not NOT go somewhere. And even if you did say that, you didn't mean it, obvs. Because I just got back from the ACK-LOO meeting and I didn't see you there!"
"Dammit! There was an A-C-L-U meeting today! Shit!" Original Soha says.
"Yeah girl! But don't worry," Clone Soha assures here. "You attended. And fuckin' showed off your pole dancing skills, then you whipped out your vape rig and ripped some sick clouds! They loved it! Also, you aren't welcome back there, just FYI."
"YOU MONSTER!" Original Soha lunges for Clone Soha but Debra holds her back.
"Now now, don't go off whippin' your own ass," Debra says. "Space Time Continuum's already fucked as-is."
"Yeah," a voice says coming from the hallway. "Because you'd need to kick your own ass twice! And you're good, girl. But you ain't that good."
You all turn around, and you can't believe your eyes (again). A THIRD Soha is now standing before you!
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Front Lobby, 1:07 pm]] "Aw, shit," Debra says. "This is just great."
"There are...three Sohas now?" Alex says. She is both horrified and amused, which seems to be the general temperature of this already warm and crowded room.
"Well, this certainly explains how you got that second Barbie," Michael says.
"Damn right!" the two newest Sohas say together, moving to stand next to each other.
"Now we both got one! They gonna be like Paris and Nicole up in this piece!" one of them says. The two most recent Sohas each take one of Michael's Barbies out of their jacket pockets and make them kiss.
"Hey you two, we need a selfie together!" The Soha From When Things Were Regular motions for the New Sohas to come into her office. "Let's all go pose in the mirror!"
"Now hold on just a goddamn minute," you say. "This has gone far enough. We need some answers here!"
"Blow it out your ass slimeball," says Soha 2: Clone of Soha. "Remember my attorney? Now there's three of me! I'm lawyered up AF in here, so good luck."
"Wait," the One True Soha says. "I know how to solve this." She walks over to the Soha Twins and they huddle up. You can hear them whispering, but you can't make out what is being said. They then break their huddle, and turn to face the rest of you.
"Ok. Here's what happened," one of them says, without putting up any resistance. "I was hanging out here by myself this morning. I was bored, so I went snooping around and found this doll in that shitty closet back there. Then, I was playing with it and I thought about how much I'd love somebody to play Barbies with me. So I went down in the basement to clone myself."
"How did you know how to clone yourself???" Debra asks in disbelief.
Ignoring the question, Middle Soha continues. "So then me n' SOha..."
Soha The Third waves. "Thasss me!"
"...Me n Soha was just chillin. Like ya do. We see people gettin' here and we decide we're gonna fuck with everybody all day like there's just one of us. So we take turns hiding."
"I think this is a genius idea," Blueprint Soha chimes in.
"This is a lot of..." Alex says, thinking for a second. "What is the phrase in English."
"Expository dialogue?" You ask.
"What does that mean?" Alex asks in response.
"It's when there are too many details in a plot to fit them into a story in a natural way, so characters just end up info dumping a bunch of plot shit on the audience so they'll understand what's happening," you say, somewhat ironically.
"Anyway, please continue," Alex says to the clone.
"So then we're hiding, right? And we're watching Michael hook up this security shit in his office, and he puts this weird button on this desk and it locks doors from the inside. And we're like oh, he don't want nobody takin' his toys now but we're totally still gonna take one."
"I hate you two," Michael snarks.
"So like he goes in the other room, right? And that's when I'm like hey, I'm gonna go take this Barbie. And when the door locks on me, you push that button and let me out. So we do that, and Boom."
"Hey!" O.G.Soha gets angry again. "Don't steal my line!"
"Ok," Alex says. "Nobody cares about Michael's dumb Barbies, so the joke is on you. But I need you to tell me what you did to the kitchen!"
You hear ANOTHER voice coming from Debra's office. "I think I can answer that." You all turn around AGAIN, to see A FOURTH SOHA EMERGE!
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Front Lobby, 1:36 pm]]
The Original Trilogy of Sohas all squeal with glee at the sight of yet ANOTHER Soha to add to their camouflage-clad Gang of Samesies.
"I need to sit down," you say, sitting down. This is too much, literally. This is too much story, too much twisty-turny, too much ridiculousness, too much Soha. This was not what you signed on for. And yet, this was totally what you signed on for.
Soha IV walks into the center of the room and pulls a small, round, dome-shaped thing from her pocket and shows it to everyone.
"It's the food making thing!" the two middle Sohas say together, excitedly.
"This is no food making thing," the latest and greatest Soha says. This is basically an Electromagnetic pulse charge that Debra invented to help her catch cheaters. IN THE FUTURE!"
The room gasps.
"You're...you're future me?" One of the Sohas says. You think it's the original Soha, but honestly, who can tell anymore? Not you, that's for sure.
"Affirmative," Future Soha says. "But I'm you from like two weeks from today." She throws the device to Debra. "It looks like I'm too late, sorry about that. In the future there's no Daylight Savings Time, so that fucked my time travelling schedule all up. Plus I woke up super late this morning. You know how it is."
"Preach," one of the Sohas says.
"Wow," Debra says. "I work quick! I only just started thinking about this device! You mean I'm gonna make this two weeks from now?"
"Ohhhh no," Newest Soha laughs. "You don't successfully make this baby until 2020."
"Dammit, I am so fucking lost," Alex says, sitting down next to you, lighting a cigarette. She offers you one. And though you don't normally smoke, this feels like a good time to start.
"Wait, I thought you were like, near-future me?" One of the first three Sohas says, who also looks to be just as lost as, but a lot more excited than, everyone else in the room.
"Ugh. Here's the deal, and I'm gonna try to make this short because if there's one thing I've learned, it's that time is fucking important." Soha 2020 sits down in a chair like a normal person. "So what happens in reality is this: Roughly two weeks from today, after the rest of you keep shooting her down, Debra and I are at Steel City Pops. While there, she FINALLY convinces me to be the first test subject for her time machine by offering to feed me anything I want for the next year. So she blasts me into the future. But like, not the good, distant future, but like the shitty future of 2023, where Trump is in his second term and where we, The Queencast Detective Agency, have decided to disband. I go back to practicing law, Michael goes back to the Elvis costume biz, and Alex moves down south to be with her family."
"Huh," Michael says, sitting down on the other side of you. "That's...sad."
"No that's life, Michael," Quatro-Soha says. " And if you haven't noticed by now, we are terrible detectives. Anyway, the good news about the future is that Debra's crazy ass inventions make her a famous cheater-catcher, and it affords her the opportunity to be on the cutting edge of science and technology. So anyway, I'm hanging out with her in 2023 because duh, why wouldn't I, and she shows me all the cool shit she made. Take this device that these two probably blew up the kitchen with, for example. And she also manages to convince me that she can't send me home without trying to clone me first, using this iPhone app she invented. It turns the time machine into a clone machine, and also this app helps her turn anything she wants into any kind of food she wants in the future, not just mac n cheese. So good job, Debra."
"Thanks?" Debra seems just as taken aback as everyone else upon hearing this future news.
"So anyway," Four-ha continues, "she clones me and makes this piece of shit here." She points to Double Soha, who flips her the bird. "She's obviously NOT a 100% duplicate," 4ha says. "She's very much a rough draft."
"Your face is a rough draft," Twoha fires back.
"Stop stealing my line!" Oneha yells again.
"If this is how it's gonna be from now on, I'm killing myself," Michael tells you. You are inclined to agree.
The Two-Weeks-From-Now Soha conitnues: "Sooo, Dark Soha over here gets out of her observation room, steals Debra's EMP invention here, steals my phone with the cloning app on it, then disappears. Future Debra tracks her down, realizes she came back to our time...now...where she was supposed to be sending ME. And so I had to come back to an earlier date than planned, to warn myself never to agree to Debra's bribes to get in that time machine because something like this situation that we're all currently stuck in might happen, and that MUST BE AVOIDED. But because I overslept this morning, I fucked something up that I don't really know how to explain, Future Debra got pissed at me, and she ended up sending me back to about two hours too late for me to prevent this from happening. And now here I am- staring at a me from two weeks ago, a clone of me from the future, and a clone that the future clone made of herself, who also happens to be me, a clone that she made this very day using the app on my stolen phone. Frankly, I'm sick of myself, and it takes a LOT to get me to say that."
"I really, REALLY don't understand," Alex says. "Can you explain that again?"
"NOOOO!" Every person in the room except Debra yells in a surprising act of solidarity.
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Front Lobby, 3:00 pm]]
"I do have one question, Future Soha," Present-Day Debra says. "This EMP thing that you handed me, what exactly do I end up using it for?"
"Aw, that's actually a super fun story," Future Soha says. "Keep in mind, I'm just telling you what you told me...or are going to tell me, and I have no idea how it actually works. But basically, in the future you attach these to the cars of cheaters, and then you follow them around. And I actually went...or will go on...a ridealong with you to see this in action, and it's craaaazy! But what happens is, you usually wait until the cheater is driving around with his lover. And then at the worst possible time, like say when I was with you, when the dude is in the middle of getting a bj in the car, you detonate this sucker and it lets off this silent blast that cracks all the glass in the car and flattens all of the tires. Nobody gets hurt, but it super fucks up the cars, and it's AWESOME!"
"Hell yes!" Debra exclaims, super proud of herself. "That's exactly my bullshit!"
"I thought those things were for making sandwiches!" One of the Clone-has says.
"That explains what happened in the kitchen, then," Alex deduces. "That clone thought she was making food, and instead she detonated this charge and it broke every dish in the room and knocked everything off of the shelves. Ooh, listen to me! Something I fucking understand, FINALLY!"
You pat Alex on the back. Your own brain gave out about two Sohas ago.
"So what do we do now?" Michael asks. "Other than use the time achine to get two new Inspiring Women Barbies to replace the ones these fuckheads destroyed?"
"Oh nooo, we ain't doin' that," Debra says. "I think the best thing to do is to send these ladies back where they came from and destroy that time machine. I don't have any business messing around with forces like this. I'm liable to destroy the whole universe with powers like these."
"I mean, you are definitely the baddest bitch in the known universe," one of the Sohas points out. You don't care which one it was.
"I think that's a good idea," Future Soha points out. You can tell her from the rest because she's the single sitting Soha.
"Everybody, down in the basement!" Debra motions for everyone to follow her as she heads for her office.
"Yeah but I was made today, so isn't this my time?" The third, least important of the four Sohas says. "Shouldn't I stay here?"
"Fuck no!" Debra says. "In fact, I'm sending all three of you back to future me and SHE can figure out what to do with y'all's asses. I just need you GONE. Not that I don't love you three stooges but we already have one Soha, and she's almost too many Sohas as it is."
"Fair," Future Soha says, following everyone to the basement. "Normally I'd argue but...no. That's fair."
[[Queencast Detective Agency, Debra's Lab, 3:40 pm]]
There are a total of eight people standing in Debra's Lab. There's one Debra. There's one Alex. There's one Michael. There's one you, and there are four Sohas. That's entirely too many Sohas.
"Well, Future Me," Non-Future Soha says, "it was so nice to meet you. It's a shame you can't stay longer, I have SO MANY questions to ask you about the future. But I understand. I guess destroying reality would be a pretty lame future."
"Hey, what about us?" The Twinhas say, looking sad.
"Nah. Y'all are fucked up. I seriously can't handle another second with the worst version of myself, and the worst version of that version of me."
"Hey Future Soha," Debra says. "Tell Future me that I said thanks for still being just regular ol' me. That's what's up. Now get your ass in the time machine."
Future Soha reaches out and grabs the hand of Current Day, "Normal" Soha and smiles. "The next two weeks are going to be a lot more interesting for you now than they would have been before, I promise," she says. "Oh...also, call the A-C-L-U. Sooner rather than later."
"Dammit, Clone!" Basic, Not-At-All-Extra Soha yells.
Following that final exchange, the core canonical group of the Queencast Detective Agency all gives future Soha hugs, and the three departing Sohas climb into the time machine. It's a little crowded, but they're tiny so it's not a big deal.
Debra shuts the door and turns on the machine. The lights start flashing and it whirs and whistles. Debra pushes the giant blue button on the metal box nearby, and the lights flicker. The whole room shakes. And just like that, the three Sohas vanish into thin air.
The five of you stand in silence, exchanging glances for a few moments.
The One True Soha finally breaks the silence:
"Soooo...when Future Soha grabbed my hand earlier, she slipped me a piece of paper. It says that in the future, we're gonna get super rich off Debra's bitcoin mining rig over there."
Everyone has a good laugh, and you realize that the giant computer tower thing must literally be some kind of machine that prints money, though you don't really understand how or why.
"So, Lieutenant!" Alex says, giving you a hug and kissing you on the cheek. "What did you think of your first day on the job?"
You respond without hesitation: "I quit."
"Yeah," says Soha, looking at Debra's giant pile of fake bitcoins. "I think we all do."
"So wait," you say. "There's one thing I still don't get. Way back like 6 story panels ago, you huddled up with the clones and then they suddenly became very cooperative. What did you say to them?"
Soha walks over and whispers the secret in your ear. You can't believe how brilliant it is.
"God save the Queencast," you say, laughing as you all walk up the secret stairway and exit the lab together.
THE END
You walk over to the giant mirror to investigate it. You stand in front of it for a second, posing and flexing the way any right-minded human being would do in front of a giant mirror like that.
"Oh, hello," you say in as deep a voice as you can muster. "My name is Soha. I'm a law-yer. Nice to meet you." You bristle for a second. "Do I say that weird?" you ask your reflection in the mirror. "Law-yer. Law-yer. Law-yer."
You change your stance and stare deeply into your own eyes. "Uhh. Loy-er? Loy-er. Loy-er. Loy-er. That sounds like how most people say it. Law-yer. Loy-er. Now they both sound weird."
Shrugging that utterly pointless conversation off, you take out your phone and take a selfie, gettng the reflection of your whole body in the shot, thanks to the mirror. It's a pretty ok selfie, so you decide you might as well post it to instagram, since you've seen waaaaay worse on there.
As you try to think up a fun caption for the photo, you turn to walk away from the mirror. But that's when a hand from behind grabs you by the hair and yanks you back to the mirror, and you begin screaming as loud as you can. The hand is gripping your head tight, and you fight to escape.
"It's pronounced ATTORNEY," a ghastly spectral voice whispers into your ear as you scream and writhe in horror. "And that selfie was on-butttttttt....."
You struggle with all your might as you're pulled tightly against the mirror still screaming for help. But nobody is coming. As you struggle you manage to lift your head just enough to see the reflection of your own head, with solid black eyes and worms crawling out of its nose, emerge from the mirror and smile at you. As it smiles, you see giant spider webs stretching across its grey and rotted lips. Pieces of teeth fall out of its mouth as it leans down to kiss you, and you feel yourself begin to vomit as the stench of death lands on your tongue and worms begin to crawl into your nose.
As you feel yourself start to pass out from the shock, you see your reflection's free hand emerge from the mirror, holding a disgusting looking, gross Barbie doll that, even in your current state, you recognize as Michael's missing Barbie. But as soon as you make the connection, your reflection burrows the head of the Barbie deep into the center of your ribcage, and continues shoving the Barbie through your bones and into your guts until your vision goes dark and the breathing and screaming all fall silent.
Once you are still, your reflection grabs you by both arms, pulls your body into the mirror, and you both disappear forever.
A few moments later, Soha and Alex walk into the room. They have absolutely no idea what just transpired, mere moments ago.
"Trust me," Soha says to Alex. "Two words: Indian. Lasagna. Huh? Right? You can make that, right? You can cook so obviously that means you can make that."
"This? This is my kitchen mystery today?" Alex rolls her eyes. "I'll need help with that. Where's the Rookie?"
"Well the Rookie was with Michael earlier, so that means our newest detective is long gone by now, vanished into thin air."
"Ugh," Alex sighs. "God save the Queencast."
THE END You decide to investigate the shoes and the trash scattered around the floor. If there's a Barbie to be found in this room, it'll take a lot of cleaning to excavate it. The mere thought of doing all that work makes you tired.
You see different kinds of shoes scattered around. Some of them are fancy looking, some are not. Some are heels, some look like sneakers. Some are solid colored, some have cute cat prints on them. If you had to guess, there are somewhere between 15 and 30 shoes lying about. But it's hard to tell, considering all the trash lying around.
A cursory look at the trash tells you it's all food trash. You see half eaten bags of gummi bears, a few different varieties of Chex mix, a box from a local bakery that at one time appeared to be stuffed with pastries, and a lot of Taco Bell bags and wrappers. There are also several different cups filled with varying amounts of soda and coffee lying around. You get the sense that Soha probably lives in this room, but you aren't sure. The one thing you are sure of, is that cleaning is hard work. And your resume clearly stated that you always favor working smarter over working harder. Therefore cleaning this room to find Michael's toy would make you seem dishonest about one of your core competencies. And nobody likes someone who works that hard at lying. Right?
You look around the room again, and ultimately decide to:
[[Investigate the mirror]]
[[Investigate the laptop]] You decide to start your investigation by taking a completely non-ethical and potentially career ending look at whatever Soha was doing on her laptop before she left the room.
"Ok, let's see," you say, "and let's hope nobody sees me seeing." You push the spacebar a few times on the computer, bringing it to life. Strangely, there's no security log in, and immediately the YouTube home page pops up. You see a lot of thumbnails for videos on how to apply make-up "Bollywood Style," as well as lots of how-to cooking videos for exotic but delicious sounding dishes.
"Indian lasagna..." you say, reading the caption to one of the videos on the screen. "I've never even thought about Indian lasagna before...that sounds pretty fucking baller."
You minimize the YouTube tab to see a Word document window, with but a single paragraph typed out in Times New Roman with size 11 font.
"I'm working in the right place," you say approvingly.
You look at the words on the screen and read: "Once upon a time, there were three beautiful and powerful women. One day, these women started a podcast with this weird guy that agreed to run sound for them. Their podcast became wildly successful, garnering hundreds of thousands of listeners and fans, and they made so much money from the podcast that they decided to quit their dayjobs and become detectives, which is where their hearts really were all along." It seems to be some kind of autobiographical account of the history of the Queencast Detective Agency. You hope that when she gets to the chapter where you get hired, that she has nothing but great things to say about you.
You hear Soha's voice in the hallway, getting closer. You reopen the YouTube tab and race over to the center of the room, tripping over shoes and trash.
"No, I can't make it today," she says. She's talking on her phone and holds up a finger as if to say "just a second" when she sees you.
"Yes. Yes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Why yes I am super important. Yes. Uh-huh. I really am great at accepting compliments, thank you for noticing! Uh-huh..." she rolls her eyes to you, as if to say "get a load of this jackass."
"Yes, people always say that about me. Uh-huh. Ok. Thanks again! K, bye."
She hangs up the call and sits her phone down. "Oh, hello...Rookie," she says, narrowing her eys at you. "I see you've had a change of heart, and decided to follow ME around today. I would like to point out that you have chosen wisely." She brushes past you and strikes a casual but confident pose in the giant mirror. "So what happened? Did Michael trap you in his office like I said? Or maybe you remembered fondly your brush with my greatness and longed to feel the cool breeze of the Empress coursing through your hair? I bet that's it. Is that it?"
You try to parse whatever the hell she just said, and you respond by:
[[Asking Soha if she's seen Michael's Barbie]]
[[Asking Soha about her phone call]]
"Well, actually," you say, "I just wanted to ask you if maybe you really did know where Michael's Barbie was. He really wants it back, and for my first day on the job, he thought this would be a good way to get me started. And honestly, I was hoping for a good mystery. Like a murder or something. But I guess you gotta start somewhere."
Soha studies your face, and softens a little. "I hate mysteries," she says. "But then I solve them so they're no longer mysteries."
"Huh," you reply. That was deep in a way you weren't expecting.
"Sooo, you're looking for that Barbie, eh?" Soha asks, sitting down behind her desk. "I might have seen it. Who could say?"
"I guess you? You could say?" You don't really understand what's happening but you assume that Soha probably has the Barbie.
"Could I?" Soha narrows her eyes again. You are so confused right now.
"Listen. Lieutenant. My friend." Soha stands and approaches you, putting her hand on your shoulder. You don't know when you graduated from Rookie to Lieutenant, but you're totally ok with it.
"I've got this...dilemma. A mystery of my own, if you will. That needs some solving. And I gotta tell you, I don't have much time to get it solved on my own and I could use some help. What do you say, hmm? You scratch my back, I scratch yours? Metaphorically, of course. And consentually. I have the paperwork for that."
You think it over for a second. You realize that you could decline her proposition, but that doing so won't get you far since she has the Barbie. Plus, she called you Lieutenant and you liked the way it sounded. And plus plus, you're pretty sure that whatever her mystery is, it's probably loads more interesting than finding the Barbie. Ultimately, you choose to:
[[Accept Soha's offer]]
[[REALLY accept Soha's offer]] "Well, I think it's obvious that greatness is much healthier for your hair than shampoo, so of course the coarsing greatness is what I chose," you say, hoping that you answered correctly.
"I don't understand anything you just said, TBH," Soha replies. "But your change of heart is duly noted, and since you just overheard my little phone conversation, I'm sure you know that I'm great at receiving compliments, and I am receiving what you just said as a compliment." You look at each other blankly for a second. It feels like you're both trying to win an argument but that neither of you understand the topic of debate.
"Yeah! That sounded like a very important phone call," you say, hoping to change the subject. "You no doubt get a lot of those."
Soha sits down behind her desk and grabs a partially full bag of Cheddar Chex Mix and starts casually munching. "Oh, you know," she says with her mouth full, "it was just some jerk trying to get me to run for office again. I'm sure you know how that is. Fame, amirite?"
"Oh no, not me," you say sheepishly. You don't want to jump back into that weirdly worded argument you were just having, so you hope that's the right answer. "I'm just your everyday, run of the mill rookie detective."
"That's right!" Soha agrees. She crams another handful of Chex Mix into her mouth, then immediately gets down on the floor and starts doing push ups. "Ahhh. 100...101...102..."
"You literally just started," you say, wishing you could grab the words from the air and stick them back in your mouth.
Soha jumps up and stands in front of you. "Listen, Rookie. I don't have time for your nonsense. Now what do you want from me, huh? Spill it. Why were you in here snooping around on my laptop?"
You feel yourself blush. You had no idea she saw you snooping through her computer.
"I...uhhhh...I was just...uhhh...Michael's missing Barbie. You know, the one that he accused you of stealing? I was hoping to ask you if you really did happen to know where it was, or..."
Soha laughs. "Oh, you mean this thing?" She walks over to one of the many large Taco Bell bags on the floor and picks it up. She pulls a brand new Frida Kahlo Barbie out of it, complete in package and protective plastic display box, and shows it to you. "Yeah. Turns out, I did take it."
"Well...can I...can I just get that from you real quick? And then I'll be on my way? You know. Just whatever." You really hope she'll say yes, thus concluding this awkward conversation.
Soha looks the Barbie over, pretending to admire it. "Tell you what," she says. "I'll fight you for it."
"Wait. What? Fight me? Are you serious?"
Soha smiles. "Of course I'm serious. The whole reason I stole this damn thing was so Michael could track me down and ask me to give it back. When he showed up, I was gonna make HIM fight me for it, and I was gonna get Debra to record it so we could put it on our YouTube channel, to get people talking." She sizes you up for a second. "But, you'll do. Besides, you owe me, for snooping around in here. Not cool, Rookie."
You think for a second, trying to take it all in. "You were going to make Michael fight you? Would he really do that?"
Soha sits back down behind her desk and eats another giant handful of the Chex Mix. "If he wanted his precious toy back he would," Soha says. "Besides, he and I both know how that fight would go; He wouldn't last 30 seconds, and I'd beat his ass to a pulp. I don't think he'd even have it in him to fight back. Then we upload that shit to YouTube, and get some watercooler conversation going, and boom. It's a win-win."
"How is that a win-win!?" you ask. "How does Michael getting beat up by you for the world to see equal a victory for him?"
"You have a lot to learn, Rookie. One, if you've listened to the podcast, you know that Michael always sounds like an ass, and the world always hears it, so he's used to that. Some people even like what he has to say, for some reason. And two, and this is something I never want you to forget: Bad publicity is still publicity. That's like, the only fact about the world that Michael honestly knows."
"Ok, but back to us. You're saying if I fight you, you'll give Michael his Barbie back, right? What happens if I say no?"
"I mean, nothing, I guess," Soha shrugs. "All I know is that it'll be reaaalllly hard to trust you at this Detective Agency now that you've been caught snooping around the personal belongings of the person that hired you. It could get super awkward, you know? Nobody wants that. And hasn't this conversation been awkward enough already?"
You can't deny that this conversation has been awkward, but still you aren't sure what to do. Should you agree to fight Soha? Will she hurt you if you do? What kind of fight is it? But on the other hand, you really have made a bad first impression on your boss today and you feel bad about it, especially now that you've been caught.
So seriously, what are you going to do?
[[Agree to fight Soha]]
[[Decline to fight Soha]]
"I guess...I guess I'll fight you," you say. You don't want to do it, and you kind of wish you would have declined, but you just made your own bloody bed and now you must lie in a pile on of your own bruised bones.
"Great!" Soha perks up, and eats another handful of the Chex Mix. "Now, we don't have time to waste. I suggest you spend a little while training. Or resting, or however normal people prepare to fight. It really won't matter either way. But regardless, it'll be you and me out in that parking lot in about two hours. So get going."
You leave Soha's office as she begins shadow boxing. "This is a real mess," you think to yourself.
You have a little less than two hours before the big fight. Will you spend it training, or will you spend it resting?
[[Spend it training]]
[[Spend it resting]] "You're right," you sigh. "This conversation HAS been super awkward. But I just can't fight you. It's just not in my nature to fight."
"Well, suit yourself, then," Soha says. "I guess I'll just hold on to this here Barbie, and you can feel free to go back to Michael and tell him I have it, if you want. Just don't forget to take responsibility for your behavior while you're at it."
You turn to leave Soha's office when you hear a strange gurgling sound. You turn around to see her standing in the middle of the room, clutching her stomach with a worried look on her face.
"Hey, um, are you ok?" you ask. "You don't look so great."
"I'm fine," She replies, walking over to her desk. "It's nothing, really. It's just that..." suddenly, she doubles over and throws up all over the floor. It's a quick vom, and it's mostly watery. Or like orange drink.
"Shut the door!" she yells. You hurriedly rush over to her office door and close it. "Gross. Fucking Chex Mix," she says, trying to catch her breath.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry!" you say, running over to her side. "Can I get you anything? Some water or some medicine or something?"
"How about some pizza?" she says. The request mixed with the warm smell of freshly puked up Chex Mix give you a hot flash and suddenly you're worried that you might throw up too.
"I'm kidding, Rookie. I'm fine. That might not be all of it, but I'm ok. It was those stupid push ups. Never do more than a hundred push ups while you're eating. That's just...just don't, ok?"
Now more than ever, you realize that this is not the time to tell Soha that she only did maybe five push ups, at most. Or remind her that she just picked the bag up from a floor covered in trash and started eating from it, and how that's super gross.
"Are you sure?" you ask. "I could go get one of the others..."
"No!" she interrupts you, standing straight up. "If you tell any of them, I'm gonna..." she throws up again, adding to the warm, wet puddle on the floor. "I'm gonna...I'm gonna lie down."
"Ok," you say, offering to help her over to the couch. She swats your hand away as she sits down.
"Tell you what, I'll go get some cleaning supplies and get this up for you," you say. "It's the least I can do for snooping through your laptop."
"Yes it is," Soha groans. "And you're right. I can't leave this here. But Michael isn't allowed in my office, so you're gonna have to figure out a way to get the cleaning supplies without prompting him to come in here."
You walk over to the large Taco Bell bag with the Barbie inside it. "I'll use this as a diversion," you say. "He won't care if I take every cleaning supply he has if he gets this back."
"Damn," Soha replies. "Ugh. Fine. Take it. I don't really feel like fighting anymore anyway."
[[Return the Barbie to Michael and grab the cleaning supplies]] You make your way back to Michael's office/closet and find him sitting there next to the two Barbies displayed on the wall, pretending to play guitar on his broom.
"Hey Michael!" you say as you present him with the Barbie. "Look what I found! It's the Freed Frida!"
Michael drops the broom and jumps to his feet. "Holy shit!" he exclaims. "Thank you so much!!! Where did you find it!" He leans in close. "And by that I mean, which one of them stole it?"
"Well, I don't think anybody stole it. I found it in the bathroom, in fact. You probably sat it down so that you wouldn't drop it in the toilet while you were peeing. I don't know that for sure, but that's what I would have done."
Michael thinks about it for a second. "Yeah, that sounds like me. Have you ever dropped your phone in a toilet full of your own pee? That's pretty gross."
"No, definitely haven't done that," you say. You've had about enough grossness for one day. "But speaking of toilets, can I get a roll of paper towels while I'm in here? And that bottle of Resolve on the shelf behind you?"
"Sure," Michael says, handing the cleaning supplies to you. "What do you need these for? Do you want me to go clean something up? That's kinda what I do around here."
"No no, it's fine," you say, scrambling for an excuse. "I just ran into Soha in the hall, she said she needed them for something in her office. Something to do with doing push ups. I don't even know, I didn't ask."
"I hear that," Michael says, positioning the Frida Kahlo Barbie on the wall next to the others. "She challenges me to push up contests all the time, and I always decline. But one day I'll take her up on it. It'll make for good watercooler conversation for our fans. Especially if I lose. Which I most certainly will. I walked into the lobby once and she was counting while she was doing those damned push ups. She was up to like 500! Crazy, right?"
"Haha, yeah! Boy that sure is crazy," you say. But in your head you're thinking "wtf is with these weirdos?"
You say goodbye to Michael, who seems totally satisfied with the fact that he has his Barbie back. As you make your way to Soha's office, you remember that you're carrying these cleaning supplies to clean up another person's giant puddle of throw up, which you had conveniently forgotten in favor of believing your own lie that this was all about doing push ups.
"God save the Queencast," you mutter to yourself, feeling grossed out.
THE END
"I'm in," you say. "Whatcha got going on?" You sit down on the couch.
"Well." Soha looks at her laptop and pushes a few buttons. "Here's the deal. We have a podcast to record this evening, as you know."
You actually didn't know, and you aren't sure if you should be worried or relieved that nobody told you.
"So a few weeks ago, we get this email from our biggest fan Chelsea. She mentions something in passing in this email about writing fanfiction in her spare time. So I read this and I think, wouldn't it be fun to make each member of our group write some Queencast fanfiction and then we can read it on the show?"
"Ok, I'm with you so far," you say.
Soha continues: "Anyway, we all talked about it, and everybody agreed to do it. Nobody wanted to, but they agreed to it anyway, because that's what being a grown-up is all about; Doing it anyway."
So far none of this is terribly difficult to swallow. "Go on," you say.
"The problem is, the deadline for these stories is...today. And the bigger problem is, I haven't written anything yet, other than the opening paragraph. So the mystery I need help solving is...what is the mystery I'm writing?"
"I might be able to help, sure," you say. "What do you have so far?"
Soha reads the first and only paragraph to you, which you have already read (even though she doesn't know that). "Well, what do you think?" she asks.
You think for a second. "Well, it starts strong, so that's good. I guess for now, why don't you tell me some ideas about where you wanted the story to go, and I can help you workshop them? I'm not much of a writer but once in a while I have a good idea."
"Well, at first I was thinking that I was going to write us out to all be photographers that survived some kind of apocalypse, and went around taking pictures of things and making some kind of historical document for future civilizations to use as a history book. But that story ended up basically ripping off the Hunger Games, so I scrapped the idea. Then, I thought, what if I do some kind of Bollywood story thing? But the thought of writing out all the dance sequences gave me a headache. I finally landed on making some kind of cautionary tale, with consequences and accountability being a big focus; but I got all the way to the end of the story and I didn't like it, so I completely scrapped it. Now here we are."
"None of those ideas are bad at all!" you say sincerely. "In fact, I think you could really do something with that photographer story. Maybe you should think on it and come back to that one later?"
"I might, if I get time," Soha says. There's been a lot going on lately and now with this story deadline looming over my head, I don't have the time or the energy for it. But anyway, time's running out. Let's hear some of your ideas."
You currently have 4 ideas that you think are really strong. Which idea to you pitch to Soha?
[[Idea 1]]
[[Idea 2]]
[[Idea 3]]
[[Idea 4]] "I've never wanted to help with anything more in my entire life," you say with so much enthusiasm that it prompts Soha to want to grab her tazer. "So. Whatcha got going on?" You sit down on the couch, worried that you might have come on a little strong.
"Well." Soha does not grab her tazer, but instead looks at her laptop and pushes a few buttons. "Here's the deal. We have a podcast to record this evening, as you know."
You actually didn't know, and you aren't sure if you should be worried or relieved that nobody told you.
"So a few weeks ago, we get this email from our biggest fan Chelsea. She mentions something in passing in this email about writing fanfiction in her spare time. So I read this and I think, wouldn't it be fun to make each member of our group write some Queencast fanfiction and then we can read it on the show?"
"Ok, I'm with you so far," you say. You immediately have about 6 ideas for some fanfiction of your own.
Soha continues: "Anyway, we all talked about it, and everybody agreed to do it. Nobody wanted to, but they agreed to it anyway, because that's what being a grown-up is all about; Doing it anyway."
So far none of this is terribly difficult to swallow. "Go on," you say.
"The problem is, the deadline for these stories is...today. And the bigger problem is, I haven't written anything yet, other than the opening paragraph. So the mystery I need help solving is...what is the mystery I'm writing?"
"I might be able to help, sure," you say. "What do you have so far?"
Soha reads the first and only paragraph to you, which you have already read (even though she doesn't know that). "Well, what do you think?" she asks.
You think for a second. "Well, it starts strong, so that's good. I guess for now, why don't you tell me some ideas about where you wanted the story to go, and I can help you workshop them? I'm not much of a writer but once in a while I have a good idea."
"Well, at first I was thinking that I was going to write us out to all be photographers that survived some kind of apocalypse, and went around taking pictures of things and making some kind of historical document for future civilizations to use as a history book. But that story ended up basically ripping off the Hunger Games, so I scrapped the idea. Then, I thought, what if I do some kind of Bollywood story thing? But the thought of writing out all the dance sequences gave me a headache. I finally landed on making some kind of cautionary tale, with consequences and accountability being a big focus; but I got all the way to the end of the story and I didn't like it, so I completely scrapped it. Now here we are."
"None of those ideas are bad at all!" you say sincerely. "In fact, I think you could really do something with that photographer story. Maybe you should think on it and come back to that one later?"
"I might, if I get time," Soha says. There's been a lot going on lately and now with this story deadline looming over my head, I don't have the time or the creative energy for that right now. But anyway, time's running out. Let's hear some of your ideas."
You currently have 4 ideas that you think are really strong. Which idea to you pitch to Soha?
[[Idea 1]]
[[Idea 2]]
[[Idea 3]]
[[Idea 4]] "Ok," you say, "how about this: It's a story about the lengths you'll go to for people to pay attention to the Queencast. You decide that water-cooler conversation is the number one thing you're interested in, so you decide to challenge Michael to a fight out in the parking lot. We film it, and put it on YouTube. And during this fight, you really beat the holy living shit out of Michael, like beat him right to the ground. And he's super weak and can't even fight back, which makes you look even stronger. That'll get people talking, for sure. And maybe in the end it turns out that the fight was faked and that you two had choreographed the whole thing, and that Michael really doesn't get hurt that badly. How does that sound?"
"I won't lie," Soha says, "I like the idea of me being a badass and kicking Michael mercilessly. But I think the whole 'man physically fighting a woman' idea could be super problematic, don't you think? Like, we don't want to promote or condone violence in any way, especially if there's potential male to female abuse involved you know? That's not who we are and that's not something we want to promote. So, sorry, but no. Next."
[[Idea 2]]
[[Idea 3]]
[[Idea 4]] "Ok," you say, "how about this: Alex is in her office dancing, and she hears an explosion. She decides to check it out, and there's shit all over the place, like something crazy happened. Then she sees you, acting all weird, and tries to ask you what happened but you start acting all shady, and then a bunch of crazy twists and turns happen and...now get this...it turns out, you have some kind of evil twin! And you could set the whole thing up as like a parody of a Law and Order episode or something."
"Well I have more than one problem with that, my big one being that if you start off with an explosion and then make it out like the Muslim in the group did it, that's just super fucking racist and wrong. And then the whole time it'll be like 'well there was an explosion, so obviously the Muslim is a terrorist.' How are we supposed to write our way out of that one in a way that even makes sense? And an evil twin? Granted, that would have made it fun to fuck with my sisters growing up, but no. And please, a Law and Order story? That'll take like three days to write. So hard pass on this one. Next."
[[Idea 1]]
[[Idea 3]]
[[Idea 4]] You take a deep breath. "Ok, how about this," you say. "You're all witches, but Michael doesn't know it. He suspects that something is up, but is never quite sure. He just knows you're acting strangely. And then one day, something happens and it turns out...he's right! You capture him and stuff him in a cauldron to make some kind of stew or potion or something out of him, and he wakes up and you're all dressed in sexy witch outfits and he's like I knew it! And then you eat him or something. Oh! Or how about this: It turns out, what happened was that he was accidentally drugged with some kind of hallucinogen, and he imagines the whole scenario through a drug trip, but like, it never really happened at all."
"Rookie, that is a terrible idea," Soha says in disgust. "We might as well put you in that cauldron and cook you, because that idea was bad enough that you deserve to be eaten. Witches? Really? Do you have any idea how awful that is? First of all, that witch stereotype was invented by the patriarchy, and it was designed to keep women powerless and give men an excuse to blame women for problems that the men probably created in the first place. And second, not only are sexy witch outfits just trashy, but they were also designed to objectify women and use what was an already terrible stereotype, one that made women out to be ugly villainous hags, to turn women into nothing more than whorish sex objects, meant to only please the terrible men who get off on that kind of thing. No. It's awful and misogynistic, and it's not even a good idea. Next."
[[Idea 1]]
[[Idea 2]]
[[Idea 4]] "Ok," you say. "Here's one: Why don't you just take all of the things that are happening around you and turn it into a story? Like put some real stuff in there, like conversations you've had, but also add some true-ish sounding elements based on everyone's character. And put a mystery in there, for good measure."
"Like what?" Soha asks. "What's the mystery?"
"Well, I dunno. But to keep it simple, just make it like a bottle episode. You know, where the whole story takes place in one confined space that forces the characters to interact with one another? Ooh! Yes. How about this- It can be about Michael's missing Barbie! That's already true enough, Michael's Barbie *is* missing and I'm trying to solve the mystery! So you can make it be about that. But you could go the comedy route and make it out like everyone is suuuuper bad at being a detective, and the whole time this mystery is going on but nobody is actually ever capable of solving any real mysteries. I think you could do a lot with that."
"Are you implying that we aren't good detectives, Rookie?" Soha asks. You liked it better a few minutes ago when you were a lieutenant.
"No no! I'm just saying that poking fun at yourselves might be funny! I bet the audience would love that. Fill it with shenanigans, reference some things you've talked about on the show...we call that 'fan service' in the business." You hope that Soha doesn't actually know what "fan service" typically means.
"Hmm...well, gotta say, Rookie. It's not the best idea I've ever heard. But it would be something quick to write to just get it out of the way and be done with it." She starts hammering away at her computer. "The case of the Missing Barbie," she says as she types. "So, who are we going to say is responsible for taking it?"
"I mean, you...right?" you ask. "Because...you have it? Isn't that why we're sitting here?"
"Ohhh, right. Of course," Soha says, typing away. "We might just have to fix that. You mind if I say that you're the Big Bad in the story, Lieutenant?"
"Why, I'd be honored," you say. You really would be honored. "So do you need me for anything else?"
"Nope!" Soha looks lost in her computer screen. She appears to know exactly what she's going to write. "You can go do something else now."
"Great!" you reply as you stand up to leave. "So...can I get the Barbie from you then? I can take it back to Michael and then at least the mystery will be solved irl."
"Absolutely not," Soha replies, still typing. "If my story isn't the best of the group, I'm keeping that Barbie and blaming it all on you. So you and Michael both are going to need to wait until we've wrapped on the recording before either of you get to see it again. Now shoo. I'm on a deadline here."
You want to protest and angrily tell her that that isn't what you agreed upon, but you realize that'll only make things take longer and recording time is near. You stomp out of the room in a huff, and decide to go wait in your office, playing on instagram until showtime.
[[Showtime]]
Evening has finally arrived, and you're sitting in the swanky, state-of-the-art podcast recording studio where the Queencast is recorded every week. Michael is sitting at one corner of the table with the recording equipment, Soha is sitting across from him, Debra is sitting next to Soha, and Alex is sitting next to Michael. You're on the end, sticking out like a sore thumb. You're also a little nervous, but you try to act casual.
Everyone talks into the microphones and jokes around for a minute, saying a few things that you think are probably better left on the editing room floor or saved for a bonus episode some day. Eventually, the recording offically starts. Soha asks everyone how their weeks have gone, and when Michael talks about his missing Barbie, it gets plenty of laughs, especially from Soha. Finally, Soha introduces you. You talk a little about yourself and it goes much better than you expected. You're nervous at first but once you get going, you relax a lot.
Finally, about an hour into the recording, Soha introduces the fanfiction segment.
"So last week, if our listeners remember, I asked each member of our group to write some fanfiction about the podcast."
"You didn't ask us," Michael points out. "It was a mandate. You told us we were fired if we didn't write it."
"Well? Then are you fired right now, Michael?" Soha asks.
"No, I wrote it. It's not like I have a life or other things going on anyway," he says.
"And what about the rest of you?" Soha looks around the room. Everyone has their story ready to go.
They all take turns reading their stories:
-Alex reads a story she wrote about painting a nude model in her office, a model that has no control over their bodily functions and whose clothes seem to have a mind of their own.
-Debra reads a story about inventing a time machine that can also turn non-edible objects into macaroni and cheese, wherein she sends Soha to the future and everything goes awry.
-Michael reads what he calls a "choose your own adventure" story, but all of the choices seem like they aren't really choices and they all lead to the same few terrible endings. Everyone boos when he finishes reading it.
Finally, Soha reads the story that you gave her the idea to write. She even gives you credit for helping her brainstorm, though what she says is "if this story is bad, blame the new kid."
Her story is about Michael's missing Barbie, as you discussed. In it, you show up for your first day on the job before everyone else, and find the door unlocked. You decide to case the joint looking for things to steal, and find Michael's Barbie. You steal it and leave, and come back later pretending you had never been there. You then lock the four of them in Michael's closet and try to flee with the Barbie, but they escape the closet and chase you down in a spectacular chase sequence that has everyone oohing and ahhing. In the end, they rescue Michael's toy and lock you up like the criminal you are. Everyone applauds, telling Soha her story was definitely the best. They then conclude the recording, and Michael turns off the equipment.
"So..." Michael approaches you after the recording has wrapped. "So is it true? Did you really take my Barbie?"
"Oh no!" You say. "That was just the story! No, Soha actually took your Barbie, but she didn't want to be the villain in the story so I told her I'd be honored if I could be. She said she'd give it back after we wrapped tonight."
The two of you approach Soha and ask where the Barbie is.
"Are you kidding?" She asks. "I have no earthly idea where your Barbie is. I haven't even seen that thing since you bought it. I've never known where it was."
You're shocked. "But you said you'd give it back after we recorded!"
"Yeah, how else was I going to convince you to help me write my story?" She says. "It was a desperation move. I needed an idea, and you needed something too. It all worked out. If you ask me, I think capitalism, naivete, and a collector's mentality are the real villains here."
You and Michael look at each other. Michael looks defeated.
"Aw, cheer up, wittle baby," Soha says. "You probably left it in the bathroom or something. Go check there."
With a look of sadness and disbelief on his face, Michael runs off to the bathroom, returning a few seconds later holding the Barbie.
"You were right! I left it in the bathroom!" Michael squeals with glee as he runs off to his office/closet to reunite the newly found Barbie with the others.
Soha puts on her coat and starts to walk out the door. "Hey Rookie," she says. "See what I did there? I put the Barbie in the bathroom."
"I don't get it," you say.
"I'm never the bad guy, Rookie. Remember that and you'll go far in this agency." With that, she opens the door to the parking lot and gets in her car to leave.
"God save the Queencast," you say.
THE END "If I'm going to fight," you say, "I'm going to need to get somebody to help me. I've never been in a fight before." And it's true, you haven't. I know this because I'm writing the story and I have decided your backstory includes no fighting.
You walk through the building and end up in the dining area. Debra and Alex are both there, taking a break. The tv is on in the background. Debra is scrolling through her facebook feed on her phone, and Alex is having what sounds like a tense conversation on her own phone. She's pacing back and forth and speaking in Spanish to the person on the other end.
"Heyyyyy, Debra, what's going on?" You say, taking a seat next to Debra. Immediately she senses that something is up.
"Ok, what's wrong now?" She asks.
"Ha! You're hilarious," you say, embarrassed. "Why do you think something is wrong?"
"Look at this place, Rookie," she says. "Look at all of us. Something is always wrong around here. That's just how we roll."
"Well..." you can't believe what you're about to say. "I think I'm going to...fight...like fist fight, I guess...Soha in the parking lot in a few hours. You wouldn't happen to know how I could, you know...win the fight or something, would you?"
"Yes, I would," Debra says, putting her phone down. "It doesn't take a mad scientist with a secret lab to answer that question, it's real simple. Just don't get your ass whooped."
Alex yells something in Spanish to the person on the phone and walks out of the room.
"Is everything ok over there?" you ask Debra, concerned.
"I think she just said 'I can't hear you with these dumbasses talking in here with me,'" Debra replies. "But yeah. So, you're fighting Soha? I thought Michael was gonna fight Soha?"
"I guess he was, but...something happened. It's totally boring, I don't want to bore you."
"She caught you snooping through her laptop, huh?" It seems like Debra is always a few steps ahead of you. "You know that's why she doesn't have a password or anything for that, right? It's to test the new hires, see if they're trustworthy. Hell, that's not even her real computer. She keeps that in the basement with me because she knows I'm not gonna fuck with it."
"What? Is that even her office then?" You seem to get confused a lot around here, you notice.
"Define *real*, Debra says. "She eats and takes naps and takes a lot of selfies in there. She changes clothes. Sounds like a real office to me." You can't argue that, because you know it's only a matter of time before that's what your own office is going to look like.
"So anyway," you say, "I've never been in a fight in my life. I have no idea what to do here. Like I don't even know how *not* to get my ass whooped. Can you help me?"
"Rookie, I used to be a nurse. If you get your ass whooped, believe me, you'll be ok. Or at least, believe that *I* believe that you'll be ok. Ok?"
For some reason Debra isn't making you feel any better.
"Look," she says. "I can definitely give you some pointers and try to get you into some kind of shape if you REALLY need me to. I've known Soha for a long time, and I've been to the gym with her I don't know how many times over the years. So I can at least point out her weak spots. But I really don't have time to catch the fish for you, when you should be learning how to catch it yourself, do you follow me?"
You certainly don't follow her.
"I certainly don't follow you," you say. You feel tears welling up in your eyes.
"Aw hell," Debra laughs. "Look, I have to finish some stuff down in the basement. I suggest you either go rest, or maybe talk to Michael. He went to modeling school, maybe they taught him to fight there or something." You both laugh at how absurd that sounds. "But if you still need me when I get finished downstairs, I'll see what I can do."
Alex walks back in the room, still talking on the phone, and then turns around and walks out again. It's pretty clear that she's just pacing around the building while she talks. You can relate to that.
You leave the dining area, not feeling much better than you did when you got there. You still have time, too. Should you spend that time resting, or should you ask Michael to train you?
[[Spend it resting]]
[[Ask Michael to train you]]
You decide that what you really need more than anything before this fight, is to lie down on the floor in your office for a minute. Just the mere thought of what will soon happen makes you feel exhausted. You assume that it's probably depression that makes you want to take a nap everytime you get stressed out, but you aren't sure because you're too stubborn to go to the doctor about it, and too afraid that you'll leave having been diagnosed with something even worse.
Irrespective of that thought, you lie down on the floor in your office. Just as you start to think that maybe the best thing for you to do would be to leave and call it a day, you fall asleep.
"Hey!" You hear a voice say. You then feel someone nudging you. "Hey Rookie, get up! It's time for your fight!"
You open your eyes to see Alex kneeling down beside you.
"Hey, are you ready for this?" She asks. "I know this is not...what is the word...one of the fundaments? Of being a detective, normally. But as you've seen, none of us are normal." She helps you to your feet as you try to wake up and come back to reality.
"Shit," you say. "That stupid fight." Now you remember.
"Yes, the fight," Alex agrees. "But don't worry, I think it'll be ok." She looks around to see if anyone is looking and then whispers to you. "I don't think Soha has ever been in a fight before either. And I doubt she'll do much fighting today, if any. Just relax, I'm sure everything will be fine."
The two of you walk out into the lobby where Soha, Debra, and Michael are alll standing, waiting for you and Alex to arrive. Soha is dressed like an MMA fighter, complete with an American Flag hijab and Taco Bell-branded microfiber shorts. Her gloves, kneepads, and elbow pads all have cute little cat faces on them. Debra is next to her, getting video of of the whole scene with her phone. Michael is holding the Barbie and smiling at how hilarious all of this is.
"So you got the Barbie back?" You ask Michael.
"I did!" he says excitedly. "Soha told me that once you agreed to fight her instead of her having to ask me to do it, that she didn't need to hold it for ransom anymore. So here we are! That story arc has concluded, now we just need to conclude this one."
You start to offer the idea that maybe now the whole fight can be called off and everyone can live happily ever after, but Soha interrupts that thought. "Hey, Rookie! You like my outfit?" she asks. "This whole thing was manufactured locally and there was no sweat shop labor involved. Not even in my Taco Bell shorts."
"If you're going into labor you better not be wearing shorts," Debra chimes in.
"This is going to be wild," Alex says. Debra gives an mmm-hmmm in agreement.
"Ok, Rookie, it's time for the main event," Soha says. "Let's step into the ring. And by that I mean, let's go out to the parking lot."
[[Go out to the parking lot]]
You decide that any training at all is better than not training, so you decide to go talk to Michael to see if he has any pointers for you. When you arrive at his office/closet, you see him sitting on a stool, pretending to play guitar on his broom.
"Hey there, Rook," he says, jamming away.
"Michael, I need some help. Can you help me?"
"Sure," he says, putting the broom down. "What's the problem? Is this about the Barbie? Is something wrong?? Was it destroyed in a fire??? Oh no please tell me that's not it." You see tears welling up in Michael's eyes.
"Luckily," you say. "It's nothing like that. But here's the thing: Soha has your Barbie. But she won't give it back unless I fight her in the parking lot later, so we can put it on YouTube. And I have no idea what to do or how to fight and frankly, I don't think your Barbie is worth all this."
Michael looks troubled. "Huh," he says. "That does sound like it'll make for good watercooler conversation." You feel compelled to explain that there are more important things in life than watercooler conversations, but Michael continues. "I'm not sure why she asked you to fight her and not me, though," he says. "I feel like it's my Barbie, so I should be the one fighting to get it back."
"Wellllll...this is kind of my mess," you say. "I went to her office to investigate like you asked, and she caught me going through her computer. And this is me trying to make right what I did, sort of. If that makes any sense."
"Ah. Gotcha. You know, this isn't the kind of investigation that would require snooping through somebody's computer," Michael says. "Unless...say...you don't think she was trying to sell the Barbie on eBay, do you?" Michael suddenly looks very worried again.
"No, she definitely wasn't. In fact she only took it to hold it for ransom so this fight would happen, I think that was her only real motivation." You shake your head. "Also, that's not even her real computer, she keeps that downstairs in the basement with Debra. Can you believe that?"
"Basement?" Michael looks confused. "There's a basement in this building?"
You aren't sure how to respond. You had no idea that Michael didn't know there was a basement and you aren't sure if he was supposed to know. Worried that you might have dug yourself deeper into a hole, you try to change the subject.
"So, anyway, do you know anything about fighting?" you ask. "Anything at all that might help me not spend the rest of my short life in pain?"
"Well," Michael says, "IDK if you knew this about me or not, but I went through a big pro-wrestling phase a few years ago. People around me just LOVED it, let me tell you. But I picked up a few things that you might be able to use, so I'd be happy to teach you what I know. When's the fight?"
"It's in like 90 minutes."
"Well, we don't have much time then. Come, we must get started right away."
You follow Michael into the lobby, where a serious ass training montage set to the full-length, 4 minute version of the Queencast theme that nobody has ever heard before takes place. During the montage, you can be seen trying to do push ups, falling on the ground and learning how to land repeatedly, an at some point Michael has one of your legs pind against your neck on the ground while he pulls your hair, and you can be seen screaming. As the montage continues, you start looking better and better. By the end, you look ready to go. When the song concludes, you give Michael a high five.
"Well, that's everything I know, Rookie," Michael says, panting and trying to catch his breath. "I don't know if anything we just did will help you win, but your watercooler conversation game will definitely be on-fleek."
As you both stand there sweating and drinking water, Soha, Debra, and Alex walk into the lobby. Soha is dressed like an MMA fighter, complete with an American Flag hijab and Taco Bell-branded microfiber shorts. Her gloves, kneepads, and elbow pads all have cute little cat faces on them. Debra is following close behind her, getting video of the whole scene with her phone. Alex is holding the Barbie and smiling like everything is hilarious.
"You like my outfit?" Soha asks. "This whole thing was manufactured locally and there was no sweat shop labor involved. Not even in my Taco Bell shorts."
"This is going to be wild," Alex says. Debra gives an mmm-hmmm in agreement.
"Ok, Rookie, it's time for the main event. Let's step into the ring. And by that I mean, let's go out to the parking lot."
[[Follow everyone to the parking lot]]
You all walk out to the parking lot together. When you arrive, you do some light stretches to warm up and then you say a little prayer. That's when Michael approaches you.
"So, you remember everything we went over?" He asks. "You good?"
"Don't worry," you say. "I got this." You aren't so sure but you're trying to be positive. "Hey, Alex is holding the Barbie, it's literally right there. What if you just get it back from her and we call this whole thing off?"
"Problem is," Michael says, "Now I've got some skin in the game. And by skin, I mean your skin. Which hopefully doesn't get ripped to shreds. But I'm pot invested, so I gotta see how this ends now. To use different words, Alex already tried to give the Barbie back to me but I refused to take it until after the fight. So don't worry about that part, the story arc there has concluded. Now we just need to tie up this one."
"It's time!" Debra yells. She motions for you to come stand face to face with Soha, and you do as she requests.
"Ok you two," she says, standing far enough away to get you both in frame with her phone. "Do you guys have anything to say before I ring the bell?"
Soha turns to face the camera. "I just want to say that I've been training really hard for this day, and my opponent here is formidable. I plan on making this a good, clean fight, where I will try my hardest and where hopefully I will emerge victorious." She throws up her hands like a champion and returns to face you.
"What about you, Rookie?" Debra asks.
You take a deep breath and then face the camera, moving in just close enough to block Soha from the frame. You then start yelling:
"Well, you know Debra," you say, seething, "I didn't come here to make friends, you see? And this brown girl here, she can say alllll the pretty words she wants, talkin' about puttin' up a clean fight and all that trash. But the fact of the matter is this: I didn't wanna have to do this, this was all her idea. I ain't the bad guy here. But it is what it is. And I'll tell you and my whoooole murder of Rookie lovin' crows watching at home: I'm a grade-A garbage picker-upper and I ain't gonna rest until this poor excuse for a parking lot is spic and span and that trash over there in the Taco Bell shorts has been recepticled in the dumpster once and for all!!!" You're practically drooling all over yourself as you flex your muscles for Debra's camera.
"Booooooooo!" Soha yells.
"Then here we go!" shouts Debra. She messes with her phone for a second and then you hear a text notification that sounds like a bell going off.
Soha runs toward you like she's going to punch you. Just as she rears back with her clenched fist, you pretend to get punched and stumble backward and fall over. Soha stops, confused.
"Play to the cheap seats!" Michael yells. You make the most pained grimace you can possible make while reaching your hands up to the heavens as if to say "oh God, please have mercy on me" in the most dramtic way possible. You then look at the camera in agony, and grab your face with both hands as if it's melting off your head.
"Did I even touch you yet?" Soha says, baffled.
You stand up and motion for her to come at you again. She obliges and slowly but methodically approaches you in a fighting stance. She lifts her bent right leg up as if she plans to kick you, and you clutch at your stomach and double over on the ground in pain, screaming.
"What in the world is this crap?" Soha says, again confused. You turn around to face her, with the most horrified look on your face. As she starts to walk toward you and offer you her hand to get up, you do a sort of crab walk thing away from her like you're trying to run away but don't remember how to stand.
You pretend to struggle to get to your feet, looking around you like there's a giant crowd of people and you need their energy to help you rise again. You shake and quake and eventually you manage to stand, looking victorius as you finally do.
Having no more of your nonsense, Soha agressively jumps in your direction. But before she can connect, you spin around in circles a few times, roll your eyes back in your head, and fall face down, in a straight line like a tree.
As you lie there, you hear Soha talking to the audience through Debra's phone camera. "I don't know if y'all can see this, but so far I haven't lifted a finger and this chump is still somehow getting beat up. I just want to apologize, I know you came here for combat, not theater. I'm trying my best."
As you lie there face down, you pull a small metal razor blade from the tape on your left wrist and carefully make a small cut across the skin of your forehead. Surprisingly it doesn't hurt at all, but you instantly feel your own warm wet blood gushing from the wound and covering your face. You then slowly stand up and look at Soha. The blood is dripping into your eyes, into your mouth, and covering your shirt. It looks grotesque and horrendous but otherwise, you're completely fine.
You hear Soha, Debra and Alex all gasp at the sight of you, and you can hear Michael yelling "This-is-awesome" followed by a series of claps repeatedly.
"Stop the fight! Stop the fight!" Soha yells, running over to you. As she gets close enough to touch you, you reach into your pocket and grab a handful of sand, and throw it in her face. She screams in pain.
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT, ROOKIE???" Soha screams. "WHY DID YOU JUST THROW SAND IN MY FACE??? AND WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING???"
"Hey," you yell, "I was just doing what Michael taught me to do! This is how fighting goes, right?"
"No! It's not!" Soha walks over to Michael, frantically rubbing at her eyes and wiping the sand off her face. "What WAS that? What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO???"
"I taught the Rookie everything I know!" Michael says defensively. "I could only teach my experience, and my experience comes from watching hundreds of hours of wrestling! I've never been in, or even ever watched a *real* fight in my life!"
"DAMMIT!" Soha yells. "BUT WHY THE SAND? THAT SHIT HURTS!"
"Because that's wrestling!" Michael yells back. "Sand to the face, slicing up your forehead, knowing how to fall down, that's literally all wrestling is! And you should be thankful we didn't bring a baseball bat with barbed-wire wrapped around it with us!"
Alex rushes over with a bottle of water and a towel, and starts wiping Soha's face off, before using the other side of the towel to wipe the blood off of yours.
"Debra! Did you get any of that nonsense?" Soha yells angrily.
"Get it! Honey I already uploaded that shitshow, and we already have over a thousand views! That's our most watched video yet!"
"Wait, really?" Soha runs over to Debra, who then shows Soha her phone. "New Kid Beats Own Ass, LOL" Soha reads. "1,278 views??? In five minutes??? That's..." she does some quick calculation in her head. "That's three times what I projected for a real fight! Yossssss!!!"
Soha runs over to Michael who has finally been reunited with his Barbie. "Michael! You have to teach me about wrestling! We have to have a rematch!!! What if we put a wrestling ring in the lobby??? You gotta train us! All of us!"
"Sure," Michael says. "But on one condition: You have to show me this so-called 'basement' that exists in this building."
Soha and Debra and Alex all look at each other. "God save the Queencast," they say, in that voice that people use when they discover that wrestling is fake.
THE END
You all walk out to the parking lot together. When you arrive, you do some light stretches to warm up and then you say a little prayer. That's when Debra approaches you.
"Don't worry," she says. "I don't think she really knows how to fight somebody unless it's in a courthouse. But if she tries anything, just straight up haul off and clock her in her face. When she feels that, and I mean FEELS that, the fight will probably be over." This fact, however true it may be, just makes you more nervous. You've never ever punched anyone in your life and you hoped you'd never have to. And yet, here you are.
"It's time!" Debra yells. She motions for you to come stand face to face with Soha, and you do as she requests.
"Ok you two," she says, standing far enough away to get you both in frame with her phone. "Do you guys have anything to say before I ring the bell?"
Soha turns to face the camera. "I just want to say that I've been training really hard for this day, and my opponent here is formidable. I plan on making this a good, clean fight, where I will try my hardest and where hopefully I will emerge victorious." She throws up her hands like a champion and returns to face you.
"What about you, Rookie?" Debra asks.
"I just want to say that I've never been in a fight in my whole life, and I don't want to do this, and I thought I was fighting for something. But now that Michael has his Barbie back, I don't know what I'm even fighting for anymore."
"Boooo!" Soha yells. She realizes, just like you and the rest of the world, that this statement was not your best work.
"Then here we go!" shouts Debra. She messes with her phone for a second and then you hear a text notification that sounds like a bell going off.
Soha runs toward you like she's going to punch you. You put up your arms to block, because that's what you've seen them do in movies, and you brace yourself for the punch, holding your breath. As she gets nearer, Soha makes a fist and hauls back and...
"Ow!!! Damn!" Soha says after landing the blow. As it turns out, she did in fact punch you, but it hurt her more than it hurt you. Which is to say, it didn't hurt you at all.
"Youch! I think I broke my hand!" Soha says, holding her hand in pain. "Debra, get over here! Is my hand broken??? Look at it!"
Debra walks over and carefully inspects Soha's hand. "Aw hell, I think you broke your whole arm!" Debra says.
"Oh no!" Soha grabs her arm. "Can you call an ambulance???"
"Oh lord, I'm fucking with you," Debra laughs. "Your hand ain't broken, it's not even hurt. Now go over there and finish this mess you started, I'm still recording."
Soha flashes Debra an angry look and then turns to face you. She slowly but methodically approaches you in a fighting stance. She lifts her bent right leg up as if she plans to kick you, and you again block with your arms like you saw in the movies. You close your eyes and hold your breath, and that's when you hear Soha yell again.
"Owwww! That hurt!" You open your eyes to see Soha sprawled out on the ground. Even with your rookie detective skills, you can tell that when she attempted to kick you, she instead lost her balance and fell to the ground.
"Debraaaaa!!!!" She howls. "Come help me up! I think I broke my...something! Owwwww!"
"Soha, this is the worst fight I've ever seen! Now get your ass up, I'm still recording!" Debra yells. "You are NOT hurt!"
With a look on her face that says she's finally ready to try to fight you, Soha stands up and starts running toward you. Unsure of what to do this time, you take off running and for the next minute or so, Soha chases you all around the parking lot, yelling for you to stand still so she can beat your ass.
As you feel yourself getting winded, you start to slow down. And that's when all the time she has spent in the gym until that moment pays off. She catches up to you and wraps her arms around you from behind and somehow manages to tackle you to the ground. It hurts, some, but you're more surprised than anything. You realize that she's actually quite a bit stronger than you thought, and you're suddenly very thankful that she, like you, has no earthly idea how to actually fight.
She manages to turn you around, and then sits on your chest, pinning your arms from moving at the same time. She looks at you for a second, like a cat who just caught a mouse for the first time. You can clearly see that she's surprised that she caught you and doesn't really know what to do next.
"Yes!!!" Debra yells. "Now we're talking! Beat that Rookie's ass, Soha!"
Suddenly, you see the look on Soha's face turn to one of worry and trouble. She starts to go pale.
"Uhhh...are you ok?" you say, hoping that whatever is wrong will prompt her to release you and end the fight.
Then, without any warning, it happens: Soha throws up all over you. It's a quick vom, and it's mostly watery. Or like orange drink. But it hits your face and you get it in your mouth and in your eyes, and it covers your throat and your shirt and gets all in your hair. Then, with the strength of a mother trying to pick up a car to rescue her baby, you throw Soha off of you and stand up, spitting out the orange vomit.
"Fucking gross!!!" you yell. "That is the grossest fucking thing that has ever happened to me!!! It tastes like fucking Chex Mix!!!" you race over to Alex who is holding water and a towel and she quickly hands the water to you. You gargle several mouthfuls and spit them out, and Alex tries to help you clean your face off with the towel.
When you're mostly yourself again, you turn to see Soha lying on the ground. "I shouldn't have eaten all that Chex Mix," she says to Debra, who has since stopped filming in order to help her friend.
"No shit!" Debra says. "This whole idea was stupid, Soha! You shouldn't have done any of this! But especially run around all over the place like that with your stomach full of garbage! What were you thinking?"
"Thinking?" Soha grabs Debra's hand and rises to her feet. "What was I thinking!? I was thinking VIEWS, Debra! Watercooler conversation!!! MON-NEY!"
"Hell," Debra says. "We should have tried to stop this. We all knew this was gonna go poorly."
"Yes, DEBRA, you should have," Soha says angrily. "You know how bad my ideas are. And now, I don't want anybody to EVER see this terrible video! I want you to delete that, and for us to alllll pretend like this day never happened!"
You walk over to Soha. "Hey," you say, "I'm sorry about this. You cool? Is everything cool?"
"Yeah, Rookie. In fact I could probably eat some pizza right now," she says. "Hey, by the way. I'm really sorry about...you know...all that." She points to your shirt, which looks like a bottle of orange Gatorade exploded on it. "Don't worry about the fight. Debra's going to delete it and we're all going to pretend like today never happened, does that sound good to you?" Soha reaches out her hand to offer to shake on it.
"Um...about that..." Debra says, looking at her phone.
"You...did delete the video, right Debra?" Soha says nervously.
"Welllll...." Debra looks up from her phone. "I sort of...uploaded it before you told me not to."
"You WHAT!?"
"Chill!" Debra says. "The good news is, we've already gotten over a thousand views on the video! Look!" Debre hands Soha her phone.
"1,278 views??? In five minutes??? That's..." she does some quick calculation in her head. "That's three times what I projected for a real fight! Yossssss!!!"
"Yeah but...that's bad, right? I mean that video makes us both look terrible, doesn't it?" you ask.
"Rookie, let me tell you. If I would have known we'd be pulling in numbers like that so quickly, I would have eaten all the Cheddar Chex Mix in Louisville. At this rate, we'll have a million views within the next hour. And you know what that is?"
"That's watercooler convseration!" Michael yells. Somehow he has managed to insert himself into the conversation without anyone realizing it.
"God save the Queencast," you say, embarrassed but weirdly proud.
THE END
You follow Michael down the hall to your office. Along the way, he gives you the tour. He points out where everyone else's office is, as well as the locations of the two most important rooms in any building, the bathroom and the kitchen. He then opens the door to your office, and you notice it's very nice and spacious, and you feel lucky to have such a wonderful office all to yourself!
As you make yourself comfortable in the fancy chair behind the fancy desk in your fancy office, Michael begins explaining the first day on the job. "Ok Rookie," he says. "As you already know, each of us here at the agency has our own department; Alex investigates crimes in the kitchen, Soha helps people find things they've misplaced like keys and stuff, Debra investgates people cheating on their partners, and I...well, I'm not really sure exactly what I do. I'm kind of a jack of all trades, I guess you could say. I'm supposed to solve murders and things. But mostly I just run sound for the podcast. And I clean. That's why my office is in the janitorial closet." Michael looks around your office, and starts to get misty eyed, as if remembering the good ol' days.
At that moment, Soha comes into the room. "So!" She says. "All settled in yet?"
"We literally just walked in here. You saw us do it," Michael points out.
"Well, some people adjust to their surroundings rather quickly," Soha says. "Take you in your new office, for example."
"New office?" You ask Michael.
"So...Lieutenant," Soha says, looking directly at you. "Have you decided who you're going to follow around today, and why is it me? I mean why wouldn't it be me, I guess is the better question."
"Don't mind her, Rookie," Michael interrupts. "She's just going to make you drive to Taco Bell for her, I'm sure. And believe me, she can drive *herself* to Taco Bell if she gets hungry enough, even though she somehow always manages to get one of us to do it for her."
"You like Taco Bell, right Lieutenant?" Soha says, ignoring Michael. "You don't mind if I call you Lieutenant, do you? It's soooo you!"
You do like the sound of it, you have to admit.
"As I was saying LIEUTENANT," Michael interrupts again, "when you get settled in, I do have a mystery that you can help me solve. It has alllll the great mystery elements: Intrigue, betrayal, a damsel in distress, the heist of a priceless artifact..."
Soha jumps in front of you and blocks your exit. "Don't do it, Rookie! He can't be trusted! His office is a closet and he has a secret button!"
"Oh, come on! This again? I told you that YouTube video I watched was to help me install a security sensor to catch thieves! There is no Matt Lauer button!" Michael rolls his eyes, as if this conversation has happened before.
"Laaaame, nobody wants to steal your dumb toys," Soha responds. Besides, if you wanted help finding the aforementioned dumb toy, you could have just asked me, since it says right here on my business card that "I help people find things they've misplaced like keys and stuff." Soha shows you her business card, and that's word for word what it says.
"Well maybe I WOULD have asked you to help me find it, if I didn't already suspect that you stole it!" Michael says accusingly.
As the two of them glare at each other in awkward silence, you suddenly muster the energy to speak up and end this nuanced and sophisticated disagreement:
[["Actually, I've changed my mind. I'd like to follow Soha today."]]
[["It's ok, Soha. He doesn't look like he knows how to install any kind of button."]] "Ok," you say, closing your eyes. "Come on, let's get this going before I chicken out. Let's do this!"
"Alright, here we go!" Debra walks over to the control panel. She attaches her own bluetooth headset to her ear and suddenly you hear her voice.
"Can you hear me now? Good." the voice says. You instinctively roll your eyes, an action that you can see through the door makes Debra smile.
"Ok, showtime!" Debra pushes a button on the control panel. You feel the phone booth start to shake, and in the room beyond you can hear crazy sounds and see lights flashing on and off. Suddenly everything goes dark and gets quiet.
"Hey!" Debra's voice is coming through your earpiece. "Rookie! You ok? Say something to let me know you're ok."
"Yeah, I'm good," you say. "It's dark though. Did the power go off or something?"
"Hell no!" Debra says. "You just time travelled! You're in the past! Try to open the door and step out into the lab!"
You push the phone both door open and step out. You pull your phone out of your pocket and click the home button so you can see. The home screen reads 7:45 am.
"Gimme a sitrep," Debra's voice says. "What's going on?"
You take a look around. "I'm standing in the lab," you say. "Nobody's here, but it looks exactly the same. I still can't see though, unless I use my phone light."
"That's ok," Debra says. "Now, don't fuck with anything, not even the light switch. It's very important. Try to use your phone to make it to the stairs and leave the lab. Do you remember the password?"
"Allegedly!" you yell. You hear the bookshelves at the top of the stairs move out of the way, and the light from the ground floor illuminates the stairway in such a way that you're able to safely walk up the stairs into Debra's office. You say the password again and the bookshelves move back into place, concealing the stairway beyond.
"Ok, I'm on the ground floor," you say. It's not even 8 am yet, and it could be a while before anyone arrives.
"That's good news," Debra replies. "It'll give you time to get situated. Now, remember, stay out of sight when people arrive and DO NOT INTERACT WITH THEM OR YOURSELF."
[[Get situated]]
"Heyyyy, Debra," you say, worried. "I...I don't know. This all seems like a lot, you know? I think I'm a little freaked out by all the warnings. I'm afraid I might mess something up. It's just a lot of responsibility, you know?"
Debra looks disappointed. "Yeah," she says. "I understand. Believe me, I do. That's why none of us have done it yet, either. Nobody wants to go down in history as the person who destroyed the universe, especially if there's no history to go down in because the universe was destroyed trying to make history. It sucks, yes. But I understand."
"Thank you so much," you say, taking a deep breath. You feel proud of yourself for finally listening to your gut. "I guess I'll just go upstairs and keep looking for Michael's Barbie now, if that's cool."
You try to slide the time machine door open but it won't budge. Then you try to use force to push it open, but it appears to be lodged shut for some reason.
"Hey Debra, this door won't open, can you let me out?" you yell to Debra.
"Fuuuuck," Debra says as she walks over to the time machine. "Again? Really? I'm so sorry about this. I was having problems with this door the other day but I thought it was working fine again. Hold on." She pushes, pulls and tries to shimmy the door open but it won't move.
"You know what we're gonna do? We're just gonna take this motherfucker off completely. Just hold tight, we'll have you out in just a minute."
Debra walks over to her workbench and starts going through her tool box. As she does, you hear the bookshelves at the top of the stairs move. Within seconds, Soha comes down the stairs to join the two of you.
"Hey Debra, what's going on?" she says, watching Debra sort through her tool box.
"Oh, you know, some bullshit," Debra replies. "We got the Rookie over there in the fucking time machine and now the door is stuck again." She looks over to you. "We're gonna get you out though!" she yells.
Soha smiles and waves at you. "It's stuck again? I thought you said you fixed that?"
"Girl don't even get me started," Debra replies.
Soha walks over to you and inspects the door. "So, you were gonna be our first time traveller, huh? Did you chicken out like me?"
"I sure did," you laugh. "I didn't want to destroy myself. Or you guys. But mostly, I didn't want to destroy my cats."
"I hear that," Soha says. "I didn't want to do it because I was afraid I'd end up getting sent into some crazy future where there were clones of me running around that somehow got sent back here. Nobody wants that, not even me!" she laughs.
You watch as she then walks over closer to Debra and starts chatting with her about going to the gym, and the pros and cons of using the steps to the basement for exercise now that the gym's new location has no stairs. They both end up getting engrossed in the conversation, so you decide to try to move the time machine door again. And again, it doesn't budge.
Lost in the conversation, Debra absent-mindedly approaches the time machine door with her tools, as Soha continues to talk to her. As Debra starts to unscrew one of the giant screws holding the door in place, you watch as Soha looks at her phone. As she does so, she casually turns to rest her butt on the control panel for the time machine. Suddenly, the time machine starts shaking. The lights flicker on and off and the tvs playing Cheaters suddenly say "no signal" on them. As all of this happens, you can hear Debra scream "Soha!!! NO!!!" But it's too late. You hear a ding, which sounds like an iPhone text notification, and suddenly everything is quiet and still, and the you that once existed is gone forever.
In the lab, Debra and Soha are staring into the time machine in horror. Behind the door where only moments ago was the newest member of the Queencast Detective Agency, laughing and making small talk with them, sits a pristine white serving dish with a mountain of fresh, hot macaroni and cheese, sitting next to a brand new unopened 2 liter of Pepsi.
Later that evening, as Debra, Soha, Alex and Michael all sit in the dining area dining on Macarookie and cheese, Debra and Soha explain what happened.
"Well, I think we made the right decision here," Alex says. "Promise me, if you ever learn how to make that machine turn people into street tacos, that you will let me become a meal for you."
"I promise," Debra laughs.
"God save the Queencast," Michael says, taking a giant swig of Pepsi.
THE END
You spend the next few hours hiding, making chit chat with Debra through your bluetooth earpiece when you're able, and reporting the goings-on when they occur.
The first person to arrive is Michael. You see him go into his office, which is now *your* office. He walks out of it holding the missing Barbie, and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes later, he walks out of the bathroom holding his phone. It appears to be wet with urine. You notice he is not holding the Barbie.
Next, you see him move what few belongings he has in his office to the janitorial closet. You then see him walk into the dining area with some electronic looking gadgets and tools. You watch as he pulls up a YouTube video on the tv somehow, a video which instructs him on how to construct a crude but elaborate security sensor, which is attached to door locks that can be unlocked by way of a remote manual override button. You then see him install the entire contraption, door locks and all, and you see him attach the manual override button to the underside of the desk in the room that used to be his office. He tests everything out and it appears to work as it should.
Next you see Alex arrive. She makes a phone call and paces around the building, talking to the person on the other end in Spanish. You can't make out what she's saying, and her pacing makes it difficult for you to stay out of sight, but you do manage to pull it off.
When she hangs up the phone, Michael approaches her with his phone and explains that he dropped it into the toilet while he was peeing, and asks her if she can fix it. Alex mentions that she thinks drying it off in a bowl of rice might help. She then takes the phone from him with a disgusted look on her face. She goes into the kitchen and immediately puts the phone in the dishwasher and turns it on.
Soon after this event, Debra arrives. She goes into the kitchen to talk to Alex. She apologizes for being so late, and cites the sexy sleepover she had with a man-friend last night as the reason. She then looks around to make sure Michael is nowhere to be found, returns to her office, uses the secret password, and disappears to the lab in the basement, covering the secret stairway with the sliding bookshelves.
Finally, Soha arrives and goes into her office. Alex then joins her, at which point Soha apologizes for sleeping late AGAIN. Next she goes into the bathroom and shuts the door, emerging a few minutes later holding the missing Barbie that Michael had left in there earlier in the day. She then returns to her office with the Barbie, and powers up the laptop on her desk and watches a few YouTube videos and types for a while before putting on some make up and eating something from a bag she picks up off the floor.
But perhaps the most exciting thing of all happens next: Everyone assembles in the lobby of the building. Soon after, you watch yourself arrive and be greeted by everyone. Michael shows you to your new office and explains a little about the agency. Soha then comes in to interrupt the conversation, but then returns to her office pouting. You then watch as the other you follows Michael into his office/closet and he explains the case of the Freed Frida to you.
You then watch as you leave the janitorial closet, and go into Soha's office. You're in there for a while, and at one point you see yourself messing around with her laptop. You see Soha walking back to her office, and when she gets there she sees the other you looking though her laptop but the other you doesn't notice. Soha then walks away, pretends to start talking on the phone, then walks back into her office where the other you is now standing in the middle of room attempting to make it look like you hadn't been snooping through Soha's laptop moments earlier. Soha then closes the door and you're both in there for a while, and you can't really make out what's going on.
After a while the door opens, and the other you goes into the dining area, where Alex is again talking on the phone in Spanish, and Debra is playing around on social media on her own phone. You hear the other you explain to Debra that Soha challenged you to a fight, and then ask for Debra's help preparing for combat. Debra says that she'll help you later if she has time, and suggests that in the meantime, you should probably either ask Michael for help or try to rest up so you'll have plenty of energy to take on Soha. You then see yourself walk into your new office, alone. You watch as the other you stretches out on the floor and falls asleep. This whole time you've managed to stay out of sight successfully, while also still reporting to Debra about what's been going on.
"Well?" Debra says in your earpiece, "What's going on now?"
"I think I just took a nap?" you say. You feel compelled to sneak into the room and get a good, close look at yourself, to see yourself the way other people see you. It's something you've always wanted to do but until now, it was an abstract idea that only existed in fantasy.
"Ok, good," Debra says. "Now, just wait and do NOT wake yourself up, whatever you do. Do you understand me?"
You want to follow Debra's advice, because she hasn't led you astray so far, but the urge to be close to yourself while being yourself and also simultaneously being someone else who still happens to be you is intoxicating. "What could it hurt?" you think. "I'll just go in there and size myself up. Just for a second. I won't wake myself up."
You have a decision to make. Are you going to follow Debra's advice and stay away from yourself, or are you going to sneak up close to your own sleeping body and examine yourself?
[[Follow Debra's advice]]
[[Examine yourself]] Even though the urge to move in close to watch yourself sleep like some time-travelling weirdo is overpowering, your gut is telling you to listen to Debra because she's the genius around here. You remind yourself that you've already ignored your gut feelings enough today, so maybe you should listen for a change. You decide to remain still and wait.
"I'm glad you listened to me," Debra says in your earpiece. You wonder how she knew what you were thinking, and ask her about it.
"I didn't have to be there to know what was going through your head," Debra answers. "I just put myself in your shoes. Hell, I'd probably try to feel myself up or something. I'm glad you didn't do that because we all like existing, right?"
Debra's reaction fills you with relief, a feeling which is only intensified moments later when Alex walks into your office to wake the other you up from your nap. It was a close call, you realize. You could have alerted yourself AND Alex to your presence.
You watch as Alex helps you off the floor and the two of you join the others in the lobby. Michael is holding his Barbie, Debra is filming everyone on her phone, and Soha is dressed like an MMA fighter. Everyone talks for a moment and then collectively goes outside to the parking lot.
"What's happening now?" Debra asks in your earpiece.
"I think Soha is about to beat me up is some kind of fight?" you say, worried.
"Aw shit, nobody's gonna get beat up. Soha couldn't fight anybody if you paid her. She's probably just pulling something crazy for our YouTube channel."
"I'm not so sure," you say. "She looks legit. She's decked out like a real fighter with elbow pads and everything. And she looks swole AF."
"Shit, she better," Debra says. "Cuz if she doesn't we're gonna own that fuckin' gym we always go to."
You continue watching the parking lot. You see Soha continually attempt to engage you in close quarters combat, but with every attempt she just hurts herself somehow. Eventually she chases you around the parking lot. However when she catches you, she tackles you to the ground and then throws up all over you. It looks like orange soda and is disgusting.
There's some commotion in the parking lot, with you and Soha cleaning yourselves up and everyone talking about YouTube. Within minutes, Alex comes inside and goes into the kitchen where she begins preparing food. You can't tell exactly what she's making but judging by the look and smell, it appears to be some kind of Indian food/lasagna fusion. She then takes Michael's phone out of the dishwasher and returns it to him in the janitorial closet, apologizing because the phone appears to be broken for good.
Meanwhile, other you disappears into the bathroom, taking a shower to wash all the vomit, dirt and sweat off. When you're finished, Soha does the same thing. During these events, Debra is sitting in the dining area talking to someone on the phone about some kind of invention involving rain repellent for human bodies.
Eventually the other you joins Alex in the kitchen, and help her finish dinner. The other you and Alex then joins Debra and Soha in the dining area with the Indian lasagna, and you all sit down to eat like a family. It's super precious.
When dinner is over, everyone moves into the podcast studio, and records an episode of the Queencast wherein they introduce you, recap their weeks, and then take turns reading fanfiction that Soha had assigned to everyone during the previous week's episode. Following that, everyone packs up their things and one by one they leave. Alex leaves almost immediately after recording, and after some chit chat, the other you, Soha, and Michael all leave as well. Debra then turns off the lights and locks the doors, and goes into her office to shuffle through the paperwork on her desk.
"Debra," you say into your earpiece to the Debra in your own time. "Everyone has left the office except for you. Do I need to do anything else here, or can I come back to my own version of today?
"I think you're good," she replies. Go talk to that other me and explained what happened. Don't worry, now that everyone else is gone, I think it'll be ok to make yourself known. And I'll know what to do."
[[Go talk to Debra]] For some reason, you decide to ignore Debra's advice and sneak up close to your own sleeping body and get a closer look. As you move in, everything is fine. You sit down next to yourself and look yourself over.
"Wow," you think to yourself, "I am a magnificent creature."
The you that is asleep on the ground starts snoring for a brief second, and then begins breathing normally again.
"Hey!" Debra says through the earpiece. "I just heard snoring! What in the fuck are you doing? Hey! Rookie! Are you listening to me??? Hey! Don't make me come through this earpiece and whoop your ass, because I'll do it!"
Completely ignoring Debra at this point, you decide that it might be fun to try to look at the back of your own head without needing to use a stationary mirror combined with a handheld mirror to do so. With what you firmly believe is a deft touch, you grab your sleeping self's head and slowly begin to lift it up. Not surprisingly, this is when everything begins to go wrong.
The sleeping you doesn't react at first, but then slowly opens its eyes, confused at what it sees.
"Oops," you think, rapidly withdrawing your hands. As you do, the other, now completely awake version of yourself slams its head onto the floor.
"Ow, fuck!" the other you says, sitting up and looking at you.
You stare at yourself face to face in silence for a second, both of you unsure what to do. But then, as soon as you come back to your senses and once again hear Debra's voice yelling into your earpiece, the other you begins screaming the loudest, most terrifying scream you've ever heard in your life. Before you can react, everything once again goes completely dark and silent. Your whole body is completely still. You feel like you should try to move, but you can't. You don't understand what is happening, but you try to console yourslef by telling yourself that everything is probably fine.
[[Denial]]
You walk into Debra's office. Because she thinks you had already left for the day, she's surprised to see you.
"Oh, hey! I thought you were gone," she says. "What's up? Did you forget something?"
"Nope," you say. "But...I'm...um..."
"What? What are you?" Debra asks, studying your expression.
"I'm not the me from today," you say. You realize how foolish you might sound, but you continue. "What I mean to say is, I'm me from earlier in the day, but not me from this evening. Am I making sense?"
"Hell no," Debra says. "But I think I know what you're saying. Did you use my time machine or something?"
"Yes!" you say, feeling relieved that she's able to fill in your gaps. "Well, I didn't use it without you. In fact, at some point today, I visited you in the office and volunteered to be the test subject for the time machine. You sent me back to this morning because you didn't want to risk too much of a jump in time, and all day I've been hiding in this office, watching what everybody did and reporting to the you who is also from this morning through this earpiece." You pull the earpiece out of your pocket and show it to Debra.
"Yep, that's the earpiece I made," Debra says, looking it over. "Ok, I believe you. This all checks out based on what I know about my own research and what I know about you after spending the day with you. So what happens now? I'm supposed to send you back to earlier today, right?"
"Yes!" you say. You're starting to get really excited about going back to your own time. "That's exactly what you're supposed to do!"
"Well, come on, let's go," she says. "I got a date in about an hour so we gotta make this quick."
You follow Debra into the basement and she turns on the time machine.
"Ok, what time did you get in the time machine?" She asks.
You think for a second. "Let's see...about an hour after I arrived this morning, I guess?"
"That works," Debra says. "Alright then, get in."
You step into the time machine and Debra slides the door closed. She then walks over to the control panel and pushes a button on it. Just like before, you feel the phone booth start to shake, and in the room beyond you can hear crazy sounds and see lights flashing on and off. Suddenly everything goes dark and gets quiet.
"Well that was quick! Ain't time travel a motherfucker?" You hear Debra's voice as your view comes into focus. You're standing right outside the time machine in the basement, and everything looks normal.
"Am I back?" you ask. "How long was I gone?"
"Oh, about 10 minutes, all told," Debra says, removing her earpiece. "How was that!!! You just made history! How do you feel!?"
You examine yourself. You appear to be in one piece and you feel fine mentally and physically.
"Good!" you say. "That was nuts!" You feel like you need to sit down for a minute to process what you've just done, before going upstairs to get the Barbie from Soha's office.
"So tell me, then," Debra says. "What did you learn from the experience?"
You open your mouth to answer but nothing comes out. You feel your nose running and you reach up to touch it. You look at your hand and it's covered in blood from your nose. Worried, you look at Debra who suddenly has an extremely troubled look on her face. The two of you lock eyes, just for a moment. Then you both blink out of existence, along with the entire known universe, like none of it ever existed in the first place. There is nothing, there never was anything, and there will never be anything. You have destroyed the entire existence of absolutely everything. Because time travel. But hey, at least you got to see how the canonical events of your first (and last) day on the job at the Queencast Detective Agency transpired before reality collapsed on itself, right?
God save the Queencast!
THE END You try to move. You can't. You try again, and still you can't. It's as if you're paralyzed and are unable to do anything at all. You have no idea what's happening. The last thing you remember is trying to calm youself down after watching yourself screaming. You try to think hard about that moment, and you can't tell if that was a dream you had, or something that really happened. Hell, you aren't even sure if you're dreaming right now or not, because it's dark and quiet and you have no idea where you are or what's happening.
Suddenly, you hear what sounds like someone slowly and carefully walking around. You have no idea who it is, but hopefully they can shed some light on what's happening.
As if on cue, a door opens to the left of you and in the corner of your eye, you can make out a person approaching you.
Suddenly, a light turns on. You're in Michael's office/closet, you realize, but everything seems wrong somehow. A giant, looming figure then stands before you, and carefully looks into your eyes. The figure is...you? You try to get your own attention but you still can't move.
The giant version of you then reaches for you and grabs you, picking you up before leaving the room. As you're carried away, you see a display of two Barbies, packaged and hanging on the wall, with a space in the center where your body used to be. It then dawns on you:
You are the Frida Kahlo Barbie.
The giant version of you takes you out of the office and throws you in the trunk of its car and then slams the trunk closed. Everything goes dark and quiet again. You realize that you are now having a full-on panic attack, and you want nothing more than to scream. You want to scream out of fear, but also you want to scream out of anger. And the fact that your mouth won't open only makes you more angry.
[[Anger]] You try with of your energy open mouth scream but. Can't scream can't move. Freak the fuck out darkness silence.
Suddenly, you sound of paper bag, and grabs you by the of your display box.
You are moved into light look around: Soha is hold you, showing you to yourself. Soha is holding you showing you to yourself.
"Well...can I...can I just get that from you real quick? And then I'll be on my way? You know. Just whatever."
Who is speaking right now?
You then Soha agree on condition: You fight her. She will eat the Chex Mix and throw up your face later. Throw up in your mouth. Delicious.
You don't understand any. You going to die of fear, stronger than felt it before. This all just makes so sense.
Little sense.
You should watch in The Realm of the Senses.
She cuts her lover's penis off and he dies.
Just like you died.
Soha then puts brain screaming at you move, scream, anything. Anything. Anything. Anything. Anything. ANYTHING. ANYTHING. ANYTHING.
If
only
you
could
go
back
and
not
wake
yourself
up.
[[BARGAINING]]Scream
scream
and move
move
and move
and screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Alex walks briskly into the kitchen and slams you down on the table. She removes your packaging with no regard to its value whatsoever and removes your clothes and places you on her nice wooden cutting board. She grabs a giant knife and cuts off one of your legs. Then she cuts off the other leg. Then she cuts off your arm, followed by the other arm. Then she cuts off your head. Then she puts a cup of lasagna mixture in the baking pan, followed by noodles, followed by a leg. Then cheese. Then sauce. Then leg. Then noodles. Then body. Then cheese. Arms. Noodles. Head. Lasagna mixture. Everything black. You're in the oven. All you can do is bake in your depression.
[[Depression]] Debra turns on the crypto currency mining rig. "The toymaker Mattel is in a dispute with a distant relative of the late Mexican artist Frida Kahlo over rights to a Frida Barbie doll released as part of the company’s Inspiring Women series. But enough about that, I'm gonna make so many bitcoins outta you, I'm gonna buy a Ferrari," she says. She looks at you excitedly. "Just gotta melt you down and...oh, right. Critics say that the doll is more Barbie-like than Frida-like: that it doesn’t reflect Kahlo’s heavy, nearly conjoined eyebrows, and they say its costume doesn’t accurately portray the elaborate Tehuana-style dresses the artist wore."
"Hey, Debra? Can I talk to you for a minute?" Soha says, walking into the lab.
"Sure, what's up?" Debra says.
"Well," Soha takes a seat next to Debra's workbench. "Barbie is an American icon that has often been criticised as promoting an unrealistic body image and consumerist lifestyle. Kahlo was a life-long communist who died in 1954 before the doll was introduced."
Debra thinks for a second. "“The Frida Kahlo Corporation actively participated in the process of designing the doll, Mattel has its permission and a legal contract that grants it the rights to make a doll of the great Frida Kahlo. Now. Come at me."
Soha narrows her eyes. "The corporation said in a statement that it celebrates the ideological contributions of Frida Kahlo which have transcended the borders of art and which will influence new generations as a world icon through the Frida Kahlo Barbie, which conserves the essence of Barbie and the legacy of Frida Kahlo. Boom."
"Listen at us," Debra says, laughing. "We sound like some fucking Guardian story that somebody googled." She then opens a drawer next to the giant mining rig and throws you in.
There's little, you realize, that you can do at this point. After all, as they say, acceptance is the answer. Acceptance is the answer.
[[Acceptance]]
is the
answer.
Drip
Drip
Drip
Wizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
"Ahhh. Man that Diet Mountain Dew goes right through me."
Michael is looking at his phone. Michael is peeing.
You are a plastic Frida Kahlo doll sitting next to the sink, watching Michael holding his junk in one hand and his phone in the other.
"79.99. Buy it now. Free shipping. Hmmm. 99.95. Buy it now. Free shipping. 13 sold. 62 dollars. Buy it now. Free shipping. 6 watching."
Drip
Drip
Drip
"Ol' Queencastfan69_420 got a deal on you! I'm gonna sell you off when it reaches five hundo!"
Michael continues scrolling.
"You know, Frida," he says. "Or should I call you Barbie? Either way. I started writing this story on March 3rd, 2018. I finished it on April Fool's Day 2018, which was also Easter. The day I went with Debra and Soha to Morel's and got that impossible burger. It was pretty good, but not like, 20 dollars good, you know?"
You do know. You have accepted this to be the truth, finally.
"And over the next week, I'll fine tune the story, and then it'll finally be finished for real. Then I'll read it...well, some of it, at least, on the podcast. Did you know it's our six month anniversary?
You know that too. You know everything now.
"Anyway. Writing this story drove me crazy. Because there were all these different paths, right? All these choices? And they all started folding into each other, one would make a reference to another one, which I'd then reference later. Or then I'd come up with an idea like 4 story threads into a path and then have to rewrite other portions of the story to make them all fit together. Made my brain feel like spaghetti, you know? Or more appropriately to the story, like lasagna."
You do know. Acceptance is knowledge of all things.
"So like, the fun part for me, was trying to make the characters as much like they are in real life as I possibly could. Making them talk like they talk, use phrases and mannerisms that I've seen them use, but then put them in this bonkers ass story and wildly blow them out of proportion. It's like that Monkees Movie. Or Spice World. I mean, that's our thing, right? Spice Girls of Social Justice?"
It is. That is what it says on the internet, so it must be true.
"I dunno. I just thought it would be a fun little thing to make, based on a dumb joke from the podcast over a month ago. And it turned into...all this."
Yes, you agree. Yes it did.
"I guess the last thing to say is that I referenced a lot of real life brands and places and things and I hope that this dumb little story which I will never ever charge money for doesn't get me into trouble. I hope all those places see what I did here as free publicity and laugh it off. And I hope none of the Queens, or our fan Chelsea that I name-dropped at some point...I hope they all at least appreciate that this whole project was just a joke and that they don't take anything too seriously."
You hope that, too.
"And I hope that..." Before he can finish his thought, Michael loses his grip on his phone and drops it in the toilet which is full of his own urine.
"Son. Of. A. Bitch," he says, disgustedly. He carefully reaches down into the toilet and pulls out his phone, then immediately runs it under water in the sink. "This is bad. I wonder if Alex has ever done this?" he asks you.
She has. You know she has. We all know she has. She said so in the story.
Distracted by what he just did to his phone, Michael walks out of the bathroom and shuts the light off, leaving you sitting there on the sink. Alone, alone with your acceptance. This is who you are now. Forever and ever and happily ever after, amen.
[[God save the Queencast]] Today is your first day on the job at the Queencast Detective Agency! You were recently hired as a sleuth by The Queencast, because they needed a new detective and you hit all the right notes during your interview- or more specifically, you said "sometimes I like to just chill and have a good conversation with a friend while we eat Taco Bell and watch cowboy movies. Oh and I love impulsively buying weird things on eBay." Alex, Debra, Soha and Michael were all in the room to hear this and thought you were pretty much the only candidate worth hiring (you suspect that you were also the only one that applied, but you can't be sure).
Soha steps forward to greet you as you walk in the front door, with Alex, Debra, and Michael standing behind her. "Welcome back to the Queencast Detective Agency!" As she exclaims this, the others let out a loud and out of tune "whoooo!"
"It's me, Detective Soha, and I'm happy you'll be joining our team of Ace Investigators!"
You start to ask if those are three separate things, or if she just put the verbal commas in weird places, but decide to err on the side of making a good first impression.
"Great, thanks for hiring me!" You exclaim excitedly. "I gotta admit, I'm a little nervous. I've been a big fan of your show from way back when you were recording in Michael's house, so to join your group now that you're all full blown detectives AND superstar podcasters, it's...it's a dream come true!"
"Now now," Alex pipes in, smiling. "Flattery will get you nowhere."
"Yeah, but you better keep it up ROOKIE," Soha says with a seriousness that you find slightly alarming. "Anyway, I'm going to have Michael show you to your office so that you can get situated. After that, come find one of us so we can show you how we do things around here."
"Lead the way!" you tell Michael as he leads the way.
[[Follow Michael to your office]]